farewell to blogville

I am taking a brief hiatus, it would be nice if it actually last for awhile though it might mean that i got a life instead of had to blog about trying to get one...thats kind of what blogging has turned into lately...a little bit of a peek but only as much as I want you to see...and then I start doing that with the whole world and realize one day that I am a virtual, virtual Dwight Shroot...where everything is exactly the same except I can fly...
I think thats ultimately the point, I am not fooling anyone but myself, so off i go...back into the real world where I can't fly anymore and i loose control and things are a bit more grey than I would like and life is about living...not blogville-therapy...
but just in case you wanted to know, Clay and Kayla are married and it was such a priveledge and joy to be a part of their wedding. I didn't really break down until they danced their first dance ( you have to understand that they have been dancing together for years and are both amazing dancers). Watching my friend sweep across the floor being led by her new husband was this huge romantic thing but then i looked close and could see her enjoying that moment and as Anne would say, "drinking it in" closing her eye's and just being in that moment. celebrating her big day by dancing with the man she loves...i bawled, but stayed behind linds so i wouldn't be seen...
then getting her house ready with alex and linds and heading out at 4:30am the next day to come home to everything i left behind...
I started blogging cause i was in this great adventure with these same great friends, full of anticipation, anxiety and desperation to connect with someone. And at the wedding I realized I found connections with those girls that have lasted thru highs and lows and even the everyday in between...It 's isn't what I thought I needed at the time or what i was striving for but God is good and His plans have been filling up alot of the emptiness in me...so instead of this uber career as a midwife saving lives in the wilds of asia i celebrated friendship this week and as the good book says, my cup runneth over.

be sure your sins will find you out

those words have haunted me all my life...the sunday school teacher whispering it before a closing prayer inviting confession...the christian organization who implores you to 'come clean' because only clean tools can work in dirt...ironically...i guess if you know you are 'clean' then while you are working you can point the finger explaining that you are clean...the dirt is someone elses...you are a pure tool of God and there is no dirt on you...

well, I've been the 'tool' in the modern slang sense of the word...

it took me 26 years to admit the dirt, and now I don't know

but I am in Kalispell getting ready for the wedding of the ages:) and having marriage talks galore...another irony...

but i read a good book lately and today i chose to live in the shalom of God...which is much more than peace, it's the covering, the fullness of Him and this dirty tool can choose that today.

this makes no sense to most people but neither does my life right now...what can i say I am just a tool...

life

worked a 12 hour day on wednesday and at the end of it,my sister lets me know she's taking caster oil so just be prepared for a call. 3am thursday morning I get a call-whom might it be??? none other than laboring sister #1...I go to her house and fitfully sleep until 7am in which I get a call that nothing has really happened reinforcments are coming and I can go to work at 8:30am..oh joy...7:45am as I am feeding the kid's breaky I get a call with cooing on the other line...WHAAAA they said nothing was happening. apparently all it takes is alittle water and out comes Lazarus Miller...the boys and I get all dressed with the help of Auntie Louise (super mom) and I head to the hospital for a peek at Laz and then work...
sleepy little old man face with expressions like Elijah...cute...7lbs and 9oz and alittle over 38 weeks...
I work until 1pm...realize I haven't eaten and need to sleep or will keal over...(lets call it excitment) but Ihave to do laundry while I sleep so I can feel like I am calming down...
3pm I still haven't slept...
decide to drive to the airport cause there is nothing better to do...traffic...traffic...and rush hour delay me so I get there only 15 minutes before the plane lands...
05:27pm notice the hair cut and he brought a coat...smart man...
ate again...drove home and talked with company and Yase for awhile and then Yase went to the happy wife and Ken and I watched Bride and Prejudice...hehehehehe my choice...
this has been a good day...
good nite

fyi

no baby yet...

Ken is coming to visit this weekend

eeeks

so I guess everyone reads my blog...kinda freaked me out a bit...serves me right for spazzing on the worldwide web...

irony

today I had a chat about heaven with the surgeon. I made him coffee and we chatted about my grandma dying (he even knew how many years that my grandparents had been married) and much like fall our lives are...he compared us to leaves on a tree and the fact that we need to wither-out and dry up to let go down here on earth sometimes...I didn't want to let him know that Grandma had a zest for living that at 80 was still as strong as at 20..."No, one wants to die" she would say:) but in general we could both agree that getting old is hard. Loosing control and becoming more helpless is not easy and generally life gets very hard for people once their body can't keep up to their mind.
but yeah, here I was, talking with the local 'health-god' because sometimes I feel like we can treat the local Doctors like a diety...and when they don't give us what we want (good health) we rant and complain and generally make their lives miserable...i, generally, am afraid of so much authority in a person but there we were chatting like old friends.
And then the scary Dr told me I had a good way about how I dealt with things on the telephone...wow...it went straight to my head and I was on cloud 9 for a 12 hour shift...I don't think he realized but I was alot nicer on the phone the rest of that day even when i didn't feel like it...I am such an affirmation seeker...but that compliment was hard won...seriously!
So the fact that I can talk about heaven with the local Doctor, the fact that everyone knows who i am and who my family is, comforts me. I found myself being very thankful for what I have been blessed with in living in this small town for so long. It is truly the season of thankfulness for me...and since I will forget to post on thanksgiving day I thought today was a good example of life being so ordinary but surprising and new all at the same time.
giving thanks

life is a gong show...

This morning I got a call and hoped it was my sister in labor...it was the hospital wanting me to work. So I did, and thankfully I had alot of help and also got to leave early so it was a relatively easy day. I am now making fortes and cleaning the playroom with a 2 year old and 3 and 5 year old...I am not sure if clean is the right word. But I've found that if I make a forte I get about 10 minutes to blog or check email before we have to move on to the next thing...I have no inspiration for what that is at this point...
I have no cute hospital stories or anecdotes-other than I shared that I have cooked a placenta and about 3 nurses started gagging ( I guess lunch was not the appropriate time to share that)
I think the kids have decided to play Jesus and Peter, 5 minutes ago they were bear and franklin...I have a hard time keeping up with them.
The 2 year old just cooks...he is making me soup.
I had better go eat it before it gets cold.
Sorry, this is a really lame blog.
PS. it's not real soup-just in case you though I would let a 2 year old at a hot stove...sheesh people have a little faith...

It'll be OK, it'll be all right...

I decided to deal with my 'issues' (mostly just confusion) by taking quizzes on facebook and apparently I am Sarah in the Bible and also a drama queen...that didn't seem to help any; but then, I got a hold of my wandering parents last nite...told them i was stressed and they had a good laugh over that one...then i started laughing and now I think it's going to be ok, it'll be alright...too bad i already had a spazorific moment on the blob...oh well, such is life but to spaz and then blog about it

You can tell I'm stressed when

I finish the to do list...

I am doing laundry...

I can't sleep...

Why am i stressed you may ask?

Well, i got offered full time hours over Christmas at a job that stretches my sanity patience intelligence and sanctity...(basically i feel like saying shit non-stop after 3 12 hour days in a row) I know that is bad and I'm working on it but...

My sister is due in a few weeks...i start getting all antsy about having to take off work, how it's all going to flow...ahhhhhh

i called to make a hair appointment and they can't take me until after the wedding which is Oct 25th so i am going to the wedding with lame-o hair...and Oct 28th I'm going to look like a superstar...

I want to go visit my boyfriend and my weekends are fast getting taken up with a job that makes me swear...why do i do this...one word. school...

My boyfriend is really amazing...this should not be stressful but I am weird...

the fact that I'm weird sometimes stresses me too...

so here I sit doing blog-o-therapy and laundry, two cure-all's for me...I'm still waiting...

Hospital

Well, I have been picking up shifts but the other day I came to work and found out one of the hospital staffs son had committed suicide and killed his own son too. It is a huge shock and difficult thing to process in a small community. You can't ever escape it. Everyone knows. As much as death is a sad thing. To have a grandson taken away from you so tragically is beyond comprehension.
I couldn't help think of my nephew, Simeon, who is about 2. His favorite word is spatula...he walks around the house trying to find the 'spalala'...and loves to cook and play with his pots.
How can someone snuff that out?
It is just so sad and too hard to think of picking up the peices after that.
I can't stop thinking about it.