Thursday 29 March 2012

Matt 15

He was done, he had fed 5,000 people walked on water, then been questioned by some religious teachers, but as he left that place one last person followed him. One loud person followed him. He was spent from days of demands, and as she followed him crying out, he was silent. The disciples asked him to send her away...she was so loud and annoying, she wouldn't stop. And thats when he told her, she wasn't born the right kind of person, "I was sent for those of Israel" she knelt before him, still pleading...was she deaf? so he said it another way..."I don't feed my children's food to dogs"...not moving, as if she wasn't offended at all she replied, "but even dogs get scraps off the family dinner table"... He not only did what she asked, he called her a woman of great faith.
This story has bugged some people I know alot. How could he call her a dog? Hoenestly, that never really bugged me that much. God can call me anything he wants as long as he takes me to heaven. I was more impressed with her ability to be 'that person'. The one who is loud, stands out, makes people uncomfortable  in a croud...the one who won't shut up...and he didn't call her annoying. He didn't throw anything at her, or chase her away. He talked to her, he engaged the crazy person in a conversation. And then with everyone hearing he called her a woman of faith. He didn't say that to the nice quiet helpful women following him for months cooking his meals and being all round great people. No, he picked the crazy woman running after them yelling at the top of her lungs to call someone with great faith. 
and thats why I like Jesus.

Wednesday 14 March 2012

i feel like......

I actually feel like crap cause I worried myself sick...literally, I have two clinical days making me wonder why I got so uptight about that demonstration exam...but as for that exam...

well the story is long, full of anxiety, first I had to wake up, then get the bus, listen to two educated people have a very interesting conversation about their fly being undone, and the amount of classes they allow themselves to skip (apparently there is a 3 class quota...who knew) then class, the class was on burns and what nursing managment of burns would be...don't anyone get burnt, I have no idea what was said in class...then final cramming for my test...I was hyperventalating about running a tandem insulin infusion with a running IV solution at a proper rate...insulin has to run through a iv pump, but what to do if the volume is too small, run it with a IV bag thats dripping by gravity to keep the veins open, but the insulin line has no ports to attach the other iv line....I was freaking out cause I was like, you can't have insulin running though a line with ports...how am I going to get the two lines into ONE iv site...seriously thought about this for way too long...the answer is put the insulin line into the other gravity line because it has three ports...for some reason I forgot about all the other ports on the gravity line...then it was time to go face my demonstration exam and...dun dun dun...I got a chest tube dressing and morphine IV push...so much for that whole stomach ache on insulin...it took me almost 30 minutes to draw up the narcotic...I was more scared to put drugs into a plastic man with removable and interchangeable body parts (I call him Jake with a vagina but maybe non-nursing students won't find that funny...) than I normally am to put it into a sick person...I was so nervous it hurt to breathe...what is wrong with me...sterile dressing change and I had one minute left to chart and...then I walked out and cried...freaked out on my peeps and 2 hours later...I passed.

I feel good.

Monday 12 March 2012

I gotta feeling...

Some people think things through, other people feel their way...it gets complicated when people can think and feel I don't understand either the thinkers or the think/feelers, usually I end up astonished by how they followed instructions to get to where they were or used some sort of rational method of getting by...I don't do rational. I just feel...this has caused some meandering and wandering as I muddle through life. But I can't seem to shake my feelings. I would love to be one of those people bound by duty that can just dig in their heels once they know something and go full tilt...I am in awe of them actually...because while I can get very attatched to many things, I find myself confused by all things, which I think, has lead to a sort of weaker ideological system. I mean lets face it, that old addage is true, feelings change.
Sometimes I rely on my feelings so much even rational arguement can't budge me...I won't leave examples because only family reads this and you can probably already think of one...okay, some, several...okay stop.
There are good things about going by feelings  (you wish you could get in a discussion with me at this point but this is my blog and only my voice is heard...I fell good about that:). For example being taught something on paper of how to do it, and then being in a situation where you are actually doing it...is different. With this in mind, I have tended to look on books as sort of an other universe, that alternate reality where I am still me but I can fly as Dwight Shroot would say, but in reality I am just me. Books are an unnattainable reality.
Nursing is very by the book. It is very un-me ish...and I find myself regretting that I don't believe in bookdom. I find myself attempting to fly, but totally not feeling it. Cause seriously, who flies?
Follow the instructions, go from A to B, count up from 1... There are people who can know something, and thats all they need, they then do all the right somethings 'cause they know that is right' because everyone likes to being right...right?
And then there are feelers, 'I don't feel guilty' (Andi thats for you) so maybe I am not wrong, the book says it's right, but I'm not feeling it...
and then I kill a patient...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have a test on wednesday...it's a pass/fail demonstration exam where I have to do EVERYTHING by the book...(cause the book is always right) right now, being a feeler is a very bad thing, especially when I don't feel like studying...