today I am not ready for to write my new years letter yet...

I know, I only have a few more hours...in some places in the world, I don't even have that! I am already late, but here's the thing, I am still not ready...I just don't feel ready...let me clarify this feeling, it's not the feeling where you are avoiding an unavoidable tradition, it's not because I am sick of writing these letters and want to start a new tradition, it's not because I am tired of writing, it's not because of any issues with the new years letter, other than the fact that the new years letter, my letter to Jesus, means just that...a new year...another 365 days of complete blanks that I will fill in as i go...another grand adventure some optimistic soul would think, well, an optimist I am not...even on my best days you couldn't stretch me into an optimist...the glass is still never full...and if it truly was full you wouldn't be able to lift it and drink without making a huge mess and spilling on yourself, or perhaps you might dribble it down your chin as too much drink comes out all at once and look like you need to revert back to sippy cups-while those around you contemplate your complete lack of basic abilities to function...and so the new year is like that proverbial cup, I am letting it sit there, unsure of whether I am capable of drinking it properly...if it even has anything in it...for all I know it could be empty...that blasted cup.
So....here's to a new year that i am not ready to welcome, a letter I can't quite write yet, an attitude I never got the hang of (being positive) and everything I lack...maybe it's cause i always wish that the new year would be kinda magical, the coming year might be full of promising things that tranform me into something better, as the days go by and time flies I somehow 'become' into a better version of myself, like Cinderella with the beautiful dress on and her own coach of magic mice men... the script gets more exciting...unfortunately, all to often, i feel like the writers gave up and somehow I have to do everything improv...can i just say, I am not ready for improv (however you spell it) I am not ready to adlib my way through another year...and I want a fairy godmother already! so, that cup is just going to have to sit there for a few more hours, I am just going to stare at it for a bit...

She walks on clouds...

You are a friend who has taught me more about being a friend in the day-to-day, here and now, than anyone else I have ever known. You take the time to write thank-you's...you send Christmas cards, you remind me of birthdays and special occasions of other friends, you always remember to call, and then, on top of being so good at all those things, you listen too. You work so hard to make the little moments good. You make an effort and when others don't it hurts and baffles you, because you sincerely don't understand how others can take forgranted what you strive so hard to achieve. Frienship. Today i am so thankful for a friend like you. Someone who teaches me to be a better person and to pay attention to others, while maintaining great style and perfect hair...I will never have perfect hair like you, but I have learned more about being a good friend after spending time with you, and I think I have better style now too:)
You have been such an incredible blessing to me in the past four years...oh my word, how has it been 4 years:)...I am so lucky to be in your wedding, I am so excited for you and Andrew as you both begin life together...but honestly, I just feel honored to know someone like you...someone who makes being her friend like taking a walk...in the clouds...
Merry Happy Linds...

The case of the bridesmaid dress...

"Which style do you like better?" a future bride asked her friend as they purused etsy.com for bridesmaid dresses...well actually the bride did all the footwork and narrowed it down to just two lovely choices already. And with this accomplished could not quite decide between the last two...her bridesmaid helpfully answered, "I like them both, which one do you like?" as they went back and forth between the two dresses. The bride had stated that she liked the darker colored dress, but then added that it might be simply because that dress was closest to her color of choice which was a deep purple. "Ahhhhh" the ever helpful bridesmaid replied...the bridesmaid waited, hoping this empathetic response would elicit more information as to which dress the bride truly wanted more. "I think I like the shape of the darker one better..." The bride added hopefully, waiting for her ever ambiguous friend to say something in reply. "Yes, it's very you..." the tentative bridesmaid answered helpfully letting her voice trail off in a sort of breathy mumble not to be misconstrued with anything remotely resembling direction or affirmation...
The bride remained as rational as always, sizing up the points that she liked, or disliked about both dresses, her bridesmaid waffleing between each choice as the pro's and cons were stated by the bride. "The lighter one is very unique and it was the first one to catch my eye." the bride would say. Her helpful friend would reply, "Oh yes, I can see why you like it, it's quite unique, yes, very unique...I like it very much."
"But when I compare it with the darker dress I feel like it doesn't quite seem like the right shape..." the bride continued mulling.
"It doesn't does it, now that you mention it, yes, the darker is a very nice shape, it's very you..." trailed off that baffling bridesmaid.
The conversation continued for a few minutes before it ended without any solid decision being made. "Thanks for your help," the bride kindly said, while her friend rushed to reply with, "No worries, anytime, I really like them both and think that your wedding color will only make the dress more pretty than the colors we are looking at right now...the dresses are really pretty, and your wedding will be beautiful..."
A few days later the bride called to inform her helpful bridesmaid about which dress she had ended up choosing..."Oh I really loved that one, I am so glad you chose it, I can't wait to see it in real life, ahhhhhhhhh i can't wait for your wedding..." the helpful friend and bridesmaid faithfully gushed. And so with that, the dress was ordered, and etsy became the supplier for one very special December wedding...a month later the dress still had not arrived. This did not worry the bride or bridesmaid, for dresses do take time, especially if you want them one of a kind. So, patiently the wedding party went on with their lives, and smiled whenever they thought of the package that soon might arrive. Snow came, school started becoming more stressful, and finally it was the week of exams and still...no dress in the mail. Slowly, the happy smile at the thought of this package arriving turned into a panicked expression that it might not come in time! The bride decided to take matters into her own hands and find out the whereabouts of the dresses, she emailed etsy to find out whether they had been sent or not, to her great dismay she discovered the dresses were still being made, and would only be shipped the following day! Calling her bridesmaids she shared the sad news that the dresses were still a week or two away...the helpful bridesmaid, trying to be helpful, helpfully said, "Well, they are going to be on their way...soon..." and couldn't think of anything more appropriate to say. With all that could be done tried, the sad bride decided to focus on other projects, and her helpful bridesmaid contemplated what she could possibly say to convey her, helpfulness, tried again, "I am sure the dresses will get here on time," and as an after thought chimed, "mail comes so fast around Christmas time..." as she hung up the phone she sighed, shouldn't have added that whole Christmas time bit, I was just trying to be helpful though, oh no, what if they get stuck at the north pole??? And with that the bridesmaid decided to never mention the dresses to the bride again, until the day they came...surely, surely this will be helpful to my friend!!
Congratulating herself on being so helpful, she went through exam weeks with a nervous stomach that decided to rumble during every written exam she wrote, it bellowed and it bloated, full of helpful nerves that seemed to say, "If only that darn dress arrived today!"
and as fellow students turned to glare..."No one understands the stress I am under!" mourned that helpful friend about her rumble...
and as exam time finished and ended, that helpful friend worried and fretted...and days before the holidays drew near, she even made friends with the mail man, whom she feared had forgotten about her parcel on purpose..."No, that would be silly," she thought, but couldn't seem to shake the bad feeling she had whenever she saw him her tummy would ache...
and then on the day a week before the wedding, all the bridesmaids were planning a joint dress fitting...and if my dress still hasn't arrived...the helpful bridesmaid shuddered and cried...then i will be out of this wedding for real, and be shunned by the bride...
Oh me, Oh my!!!!!
and then a miracle occurred, on a cold winters day the bridesmaid phoned up the mail room and got this answer, Her dressed had arrived, she could come pick it up anytime...she threw on a coat and shoved on some shoes...braved the howling winds and ran right up to that wonderful mailman who greeted her too..."here's a package, a dress, sent to you.."
with shaking hands and uneven breathing, that helpful bridesmaid ripped open what was keeping her from seeing that dress she so longed to wear...that unique, pretty one, she had helped the bride pick...she pulled it out fast and held it up right there...and the first thing she said when she saw it..."I sure hope it fits..." cause if it didn't that wouldn't be helpful, it really would not.

Merry Christmas All

So, actually...me and my summer roomie sing together...it's fun, our favorite is Lady Gaga's Poker face...we even made new words for Poker face for Lexi and Paul's wedding and sang it to them when they got back from their honeymoon...I know we are such great friends like that...anyway, so this is the 2010 Christmas hit...Wendy, you're not allowed to show this to your kids:) PS most embarrassing moment ever...I bit it at a restaurant tonight, I literally did a face plant into the wall, scraped up my chin and now my nose is HUGE...like rudolf...I am rudolf...recently I heard somewhere that bad things happen to people who are actually very good...right now I am feeling very righteous...saintly in fact...my poor nose though, my pride is a bit wounded as well, since apparently I don't know how to walk in public anymore...ok, i think I am going to go ice my nose now...

Merry Christmas:)

Heinous...but done

the exam I took this morning was probably the worst exam I have taken since coming back to school for nursing...all I could think about was how foreign everything sounded, did they realyl teach me this this semester? seriously?
as I was reading page after page after page of multiple choice questions I kept waiting for a page that I could understand, identify with, or just not guess on an answer...those pages were few and far between...
all the nursing students are out partying and celebrating...I am packing and moving apartments today...mehhhhhhh
I still can't believe how much I hated that test...I am so done...

humbug...

maybe tomorrow I will feel more ready for christmas, right now all I can say is...

heinous.

A reflection for you...hoping that you know who you are, and if you don't well I just can't help you out with that

A long long long long long...(you can keep this up for awhile to get the picture...) time ago, in a place not so very far away, on a cold winter's day, something wonderful happened. A baby was born, and not just any baby, this baby was the very first boy born to a family that needed someone to carry on the family name. Already besett with multiple grandaughters, and soon to add two more of the female variety, miraculously, and non too soon...the anticipated boy child arrived. Perhaps it was the fact that he was so long awaited, or the fact that babies born in december are just naturally special, whatever it was, this little boy grew up knowing he was someone special. Confident and brave he grew up a bit of a daredevil, willing to try new things, push the enveope a bit. He could do anything, after all he was the long awaited boy. Unconcerned with trivial fears of his female relatives who sometimes found life daunting...he always sailed on, to bold new adventures, to blaze a trail for the much afraids to follow after, like going abroad to study. In all his wandering he always came back home, now he fights for justice and protects his country from danger. He is also the head of his own family and has provided the extended family with his own son to carry on it's name and traditions and hope. A truly remarkable man, I for one, am very thankful he was born...to save our family name:)

Happy Birthday...

Post to a lost ring...

Once again, I am no longer chaste...this post may seem similar to a previous one, one that involved working at subway and my boss at the time, scrounging through garbage bins in search of my ring...but this post and that one have one major difference...the ring is still gone, I didn't come home to find it in the bathroom, I didn't come home and find it at all, I just came home and mourned...i mourned my ring, my chastity, loosing something valuable that I could have potentially pawned to pay rent, instead of trading hair in; like people do during desperate times...cause I have no hair right now, well, not no hair but not enough to sell... these are the kind of thoughts I have when i mourn. Another thought was, I could have been a tragic heroine, buried with my ring, so that when everyone gathered to say things about me...they would all end with..."at least she still had her chastity ring." but now I have nothing...just a very sad finger that misses it's ring...
I remember picking that ring out with my dad, (almost 2 decades ago...what the crap:) we went from gold store to gold store in the pontinanak market aroung the Hawaii restaurant and I got to try on rings, I felt so grown up, i loved it that I could finally ask the store keeper to move the glass so we could pick out the rings i wanted to see, that glass was always this invisible wall between me and the pretty glittering things behind it and for the first time i got to move the glass and reach in to try some 'real' jewlery...I don't think it took me too long to pick out the one I wanted but i do remember obsessing in my head about getting one as different as possible from my sisters, and I also worried that I wouldn't like it after awhile, I wanted to choose a ring that I would love forever, and I worried that I just didn't have it in me to be loyal to a ring for that long, what if I hated it eventually and didn't want to wear it? What would I do then, it would be like risking my chastity! Now that I think about it, it seems silly that I worried so much about those things, why did I really need to have a different ring from my sisters? why did I think I would hate my ring if I didn't find the perfect one? Now that it's gone, I realize I never disliked it, or thought it was ugly, or wanted to get rid of it...I was always quite fond of it, my precious:)
I remember playing with it through countless classes from Wajuk Hulu junior high to english class with Mr. S, boring chapels in bible college and awkward moments in small groups or church events when i would feel uncomfortable and needed to do something with my hands... i would turn it over and over and over and put it on different fingers and hold my hand up to the light to watch it sparkle...my precious...
as I have been mourning my precious, I realized how long I have had it, how much I liked it, and how much I'll miss it...previously, I did go through stages where I would panic about loosing it, which meant loosing my chastity along with it because you can't be chaste with a lost chastity ring...my precious always meant so much more than just gold on my finger, and sometimes I even tried to make it into a 'sign' because it had such symboic meaning...but then I'd realize how silly i was being (not that I am ever melodramatic or anything)...you know like when your asking God for something and then make a sign for Him to answer you with, like Gideon except without sheepskin, rain, or an answer for that matter...my precious had to represent over the years...it's funny though, loosing it didn't become this huge issue of whether or not God was removing a sign from my life...which normally I would be in an absolute panic wondering what God meant by taking away my precious...but this time, when I really lost it, it was just sad...
the last time I thought I had lost it, I used it as a sign, if somehow it came back to me, then that meant that God cared and wanted good things for me...even small things...but now I didn't even ask, now I mourn...
mabe it will come back to me, maybe it's gone forever, my precious...maybe I will have to make a fellowship and go in search of it, but not to throw it into a bubbling volcanic eruption to destroy it...actually I don't see myself as Frodo, or part of the fellowship at all...
I guess I feel alittle like Bilbo, the real meaning of the ring is still beyond me, but i hope I wore it well...all i know is I grew attached to it, when i had it on, it proclaimed me a pure person (as opposed to invisible, i wanted them to see how chaste I was with that ring:) and now it has changed ownership to someone else and will maybe take them on as grand an adventure as I had with it...goodbye my precious...

Prescriptions...

generic name: cacao bean

brand name: Cadbury milk chocolate

theraputic effect: stress reliever

off label effects: emotional stabalizer for any given situation where some type of emotion could be involved...it's really great for emotions.

Indications: stressfull situations such as exams, emotional turbulance, generalized anxiety, mood disorders, jobless, debt ridden student...etc...

Contra-indications: the perfect life, no feelings, cyborgs...

Side Effects: weight gain, flatulence, diarrhea, cavities, weight gain, acne, hyperactivity, loss of focus, weight gain

Drug-drug interactions: in certain forms can be combined with nuts or dried fruit to enhance the stress relieving effects of simple chocolate also if given in purified doses (bitterseet/dark) can have an additive effect when administered with caffiene...

Precautions: tolerance is an issue with this drug, if taken long-term to relieve stress, the effects of constant stimulation will create a situation where higher and higher doses are nessecary to have the same effect..it is highly addictive, you should follow your Doctor prescribed dosage if you don't want to experience excessive side effects from a drug overdose.

IF signs and symptoms of an overdose (excessive weight gain, euphoria) occur, discontinue use...foods that counteract the effects of chocolate are things like celery and artichokes, you can also concider giving them in cases of an overdose.

Note: This drug is fast acting and is primarily metabolized in the gastrointestinal tract and should be excreted from the body within 24-48 hours, in order to maintain the desired level of emotional stability you might need to have an initial loading dose with subsequent smaller doses to achieve theraputic levels being maintained in the body...


this drug has a low theraputic index, which means, it is dangerous...the theraputic dose and the lethal level have a very small margin for error separating them...always talk to your doctor before taking this drug due to it's highly toxic nature.

Prostate health....

This semester my favorite prof specializes in men's health...when i go to class I am constantly amazed at how much I didn't know about men's health before now...but now i do...or something...

DRE- do you know what this is? well, I sure didn't, and no it's not Dr Dre the rap artist, which would have been my closest guess...D is for digital...r is for rectum...e is for examination...yup, the self prostate exam is done through the rectum... apparently through the rectum you can feel if the prostate is enlarged...who knew right?

Also, men need to do kegels too, promoting prostate health is about kegels...pelvic floor muscle...aother shocker, here I thought they were just for women...

also the size of a man's index finger as compared to his ring finger indicates the risk for prostate cancer to some degree...all men hold your hands up...compare the length of your index finger to your ring finger, if your index finger is longer...you have a 33% less chance of getting prostate cancer...right off the get go....I know!!!!!!!!!! crazy...so then prof asks us why this could be...and me, being the brilliant beyond brilliant student that I am pipes up...yes, I said this without really thinking it through that well, but we had just been discussing DRE so i was like, longer fingers=better self examination...there was no awkward silence before the whole class...the whole class erupted laughing at me...not with, at...but seriously, at the time I thought it made perfect sense...my prof grades us on our vocal contributions for our class participation mark so now he is going to remember me as the dimwit who thinks long fingers are made for DRE's...

actually they attribute having long index fingers all the way back to fetal development and the amount of testosterone the baby is exposed to in utero...this hormone can be traced to affecting a certain gene which causes finger growth AS WELL AS other things...and thats where the relationship between a finger length and your prostate health come into play...how healthy your prostate is now or ever will be, is partly becaue of how you were made in utero...side note, if your index and ring finger are the same length there is no significant risk or benefit to it, but having a shorter index finger than ring finger is correlated with a higher risk for prostate cancer...and when I say risk, I mean risk...not your going to get prostate cancer...so anyway...get check ups and do the DRE...I also learned about saw palmello but I will save that for another time...

I think we've all discussed enough for now...

needless to say, I just felt like I needed to show you that I am learning something, because it was Mouvember (mustache for prostate cancer awareness) recently, so go measure your finger...

then see if you need to see Dr DRE...

I am a big fat hypocrite...

the nursing program involves a lot of partner/teamwork assignments...right now I know you are all trying to rack your brains to remember when the last group project you had to do for marks was, please bear with me...remember the pain of teamwork assignments, please for my sake...remeber the pain or else this post has nothing you can relate to...if you are remembering how fun it was planning, building, writing and then performing those projects...then you don't have to read anymore...you can go look in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are...but just go...
this post is about the agony of teamwork...first you have to choose a partner...most people will automatically just choose the person they want to work with because they have some forethought and realize what an agonizing process these projects can be...but not me, I don't possess the ability to make decisions like that...I think the first thought that entered my head was, how can we divide the 6 people sitting here into 3 fair groups of two...I thought to myself, " I shouldn't grab at the person who i think is the most capable, I should let them go with someone who i think needs a bit more help; I can work with someone who isn't as strong or the best and hopefully, that way, it will be fair...everything will still work out because I am trying to be fair right?" That was my thought...
I am so dumb. I should have just grabbed the best person and ran out of that room...but I didn't and after the initial hesitation to act you have to wait for everyone to be 'picked' so that no one feels left out...this involves some rather obtuse conversations where you never actually figure out what the other people want...you only feel worse after realizing that no one really wants to be partnered with you either...you diplomatically fill your groupings and feel so relieved...it's done, it's decided, you have a partner...6 people really does split into 3 groups of two...you don't have to be alone...hurray hurray hurray...and being the ignorant fool that I am...you go out as a whole group and celebrate with sushi...unaware of the process that lies ahead...your celebrating cause you saw the ice berg and are craftily steering around it, when...
scrap, tear, rip...you realize that teamwork, and planning, and brainstorming is this massive block of ice that takes up the entire ocean beneath your little sailboat...working in a team means that you have to spend time together...this is the first concept of teamwork that I missed pre-group making stage...working with a partner means spending time with said parnter...I had to say it again just cause I feel like it needs to be said...you have to be together alot...
also, there is the melding of minds to form one ultimate theme for a finished product that will inspire the professors with your creativity and depth...you have to talk, and compromise, and contribute, and get shot down, and then when you think it can't get any worse...deadlines start approaching...
BOOM...your sunk...you have to be able to get work done together and also have it handed in on time. All the brainstorming sessions turn into massive meltdowns of anxiety and doom as your project goes from almost brilliant to 'what in the world?'...
somehow, if you survive the presentation, in shock, waiting as the dust slowly settles you realize that your at a sushi restaurant again (de ja vu anyone?), sitting across from your partner, who's smiling at you. "Wasn't that great?! Didn't we make an awesome team?"
frozen you smile...only as the food arrives and your downing the green tea do you realize you feel like dancing, you start singing along to every song playing on the restaurant speakers, you start laughing your 'siren' laugh while the other nursing students around you wonder just what got into you...finally, as your putting on your jacket to leave, you say to your partner, "What a great time." (now that it's over...)