fact: sometimes when I am too happy I am so annoying even I am annoyed at me

Today.
Today was a good day. I didn't cry once-which is pretty new for this semester since I have been crying almost everyday. School is hard and I have an old brain that is finding it impossible to retain information...anyway today was a good day but it didn't start out the best... I didn't go to church today. Sorry mam and papa...it sort of happened by accident...let me explain...
I decided to wake up at 7am this morning to rake the lawn (it seemed like a good idea at the time), and when 7am came and my alarm went off...it was still dark outside so I decided raking leaves was a dumb idea for 7 in the morning on sunday (which most people would have come to alot sooner than I did...but sometimes I think me not thinking it's dumb is quite clever of me...and then I feel so proud of myself until I realize that actually everyone else really is right, and I am dumb-probably shouldn't have shared that on the world wide web...)...so I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep...just for a few minutes...then it was 10am...magically, just like that. Since I was going to the R's for lunch I decided I didn't need to start getting ready for another hour...and I rolled over and slept in some more...finally I got up.
I decided to try and look like i had gone to church so I put make-up on, then some more, more more and finally by the time i got the text that Linds and Andrew were coming to pick me up I had so much make-up on my face looked like I had war paint on. I don't need to dress up for halloween people-just give me too much time with my make-up bag and I am trick or treat worthy. The way I decided to deal with my overpainted face, was not to look at any mirrors while I was at their house...so i didn't even use the bathroom while I was there...because my face scared me a bit...I had a great time at their house...food was amazing...and of course I get to bring some home...:) I luv my relationship with the R's I go to their house, they entertain me with stories that make me laugh hysterically, feed me and then send me home with food...truly, special people:) When I got home I raced up the stairs to the bathroom...which is pretty challenging to do when you need to go i might add...and then i saw a scary face through the mirror...who is that person? how did they get in the bathroom with me? oh, right...it's me...
then, finally...I raked the lawn. I was too lazy to change so there I was, all painted up, in 'church' clothes...raking the lawn...
later, in the evening, as my roomate was working on a paper, I couldn't do homework anymore, I decided to go visit her for awhile...our house has some dimmer rooms, and she had pulled two lamps to the corner she was studying in and it sort of looked like she was on stage...I thought this was funny, so I started laughing at her...she took it quite well...because she was taking it so well,  I decided to stay and keep talking to her.
wanna do pilates?
no.
So I started doing pilates while I was talking to her, and then I started singing, while i was doing pilates, while I was talking, when she was trying to write a paper...then I felt guilty for distracting her, so I took my face, in all it's painted glory and now am here...still trying very diligently to not do anymore homework...I should probably go wash my face now...but it's still scary when I have to look in the mirror so I might not yet...I have to work up some bravery to face myself knowing I went out looking like this today...the poor R's, poor linds and andrew, poor roomie...
happy holloween from 'the face'

i got skills!

catheterize someone...check
start an iv site...check
give iv drugs...check
change attends...check


thats basically what my day looked like...and I did it all...I was the one.

Your favorite

You are my hiding place
 in pouring rain
when clouds roll in
the sky is falling
 You always full my heart
like a lightning bolt
kind of terrifying but I
much afraid
with songs of deliverance
joyful they are not,
more like crying 
just me
 whenever I am afraid...
if I should die
before this passes
as thunder crashes
you are
I will trust in you.

Pappers...I didn't foget this time. I have been thinking of your song, not sure if it's your favorite...but I remember you like it...it comforted me, so i put some new words to it...happy birthday...for real this time:)

thinking of you

last year I felt so sad that because we live so far apart,  it's hard to put on a special party for you...60 is a big year...this year I feel so sad again cause ...well...I got the days wrong and missed writing you even...and well...it's just not cool. Everyone tells my that I am 'just like you' with regards to temperment:) and i think that can be overwhelming for both of us...to be us...and to know that there is another one out there... like us...sometimes i think you feel responsible for giving me the gift of being like you:) but here's the thing...when I think of you, I think of soft spoken, i think peacemaker, I think diplomat, I think leader too...I think of pacing, and afternoon naps, I think swimmer, and loads of singapore change on the bedside table, and books. When I think of you I know your thinking of me too:) some might call it worry, but I prefer your 'thoughtful' mind. I am never forgotten or far from. I am glad you're you, my wonderfully wise, and thoughtful, favorite Dad

terrible, no good, very bad, extremely bad, horrideously horrible day...I am serious.

Today i slept in, I thought, I have 5 pages of my paper written in rough draft already...I am good. I don't really expect to do that well in nursing papers, it's not my forte...but I did think I had a good start on this one. I had done about 10 hours of research on it, and I was pretty sure i knew what was going on with my fake patient...just one small sliver of doubt....
today I realized that slivers of doubt are like neon signs telling you to change direction. I had worried that I was looking at the wrong things too caught up in what i wanted to see instead of what I should see...sure nuff...
I found out that the focus of the case study wasn't about the heat wave and temperature factor...the focus of the case was on the fact the patient fell...my paper on heat stroke turned into verbal diarrhea on rhabdomyolysis...what you've never heard of it? well, let me tell you, I am learning about it...and I officially hate it...I was happy with heat stroke, I was perfectly ready to accept heat stroke...but nooooooo...it's now rabdo...as in I am turning into a 'rab-id-do-g' trying to understand and write another paper...the paper is due tomorrow...I have 1 page...and I have only just started incorporating all my research...

I hate falls...why do people fall...don't fall already...if you have heat stroke have ehat stroke...but don't fall...
Grahhhghghghghghghghghghghhg

I am going to eat a chocolate donut now and contemplate rhabdomyolysis...


rhabdomyolysis this....you rhabdo you...get the rhabdomyolysis away from me...you cra (crazy) you rhabdo cra'....what the rhab....doh!
I think I am done...done like rhabdo!

like a duck

I cried myself to sleep the other nite...for you. I can't say the right words to you right now, there are none. None to fix it, none to hide whats really happening, none to make you feel better. And this place, this page...it's where i feel like I can connect with you even if I can't see you face to face...so I just wanted you to know that you are always in my heart and prayers...and if my heart is breaking, than God's is too...for you.

I still do...

When I was young I looked up to you. A little person looking up to bigger, stronger examples and wondering, wow! I want to do those things too.
Growing up overseas can have it's drawbacks. For me, it meant going to school and living in the same building...this was kind of stifling sometimes. Who are your friends? Siblings. Who is your teacher? your mum. Who did you see today? my siblings and my mum. My mum never asked, What did you learn today? it was more like, "Did you get what I just said? Listen up!" My mum was not a bad teacher at all, in fact the homeschooling-the learning of knowledge part-went rather well...it was more the lack of socialization that did me in.
I remember being fascinated by other people's mother's. Instead of who is your 3rd grade teacher...and oh my, there is Ms Dixon the 7th grade homeroom teacher I hear she is scary. It was more like, Aunt Janet Bonney has air conditioning in the classroom...and she puts leaves on the walls when it's september cause she says thats when leaves fall off trees...(ps leaves fall off trees constantly in asia). Aunt Lynn does sched so she can't teach, she has to make sure the planes don't crash. As many as there were mother's there were also various methods of schooling. But you always knew one thing for sure, when you went to Aunt Jan (Armstrong's) you were going to get a snack from North America. A snack. At school. And I would wonder what it would be all morning long, I wondered about it traveling to Serimbu, but I always knew...there would be a treat...and it would be good. Another thing that happened at Armstrong's is we would listen to Micheal Card courtesy of Uncle Henry...we learned to appreciate good music. Eating snack and learning something new.
I am still in school, but now I have 'real' teachers, I wish my mum was around to talk to, I understand that leaves do fall off trees in september/october...but one thing hasn't changed. Going to Aunt Jan (Armstrong's) house means good food. This time it's asian food. Ubbi, terong, santan, and fried plantains. I don't know how she does it...but it's like going to a world that never fails to surprise me...and it always tastes good. I am thankful for all my teachers, my friends mother's and father's, my family...ironically we had a musical moment this weekend as well...Matt Brower...Uncle Henry is a huge fan, he even has his name inscribed on his Bible...seriously. Actually he found it at MCC thrift store and couldn't pass up the opportunity...but I found it hilarious.
When I was young I used to look up to Uncle Henry and Anut Jan...time has passed. I am technically grown up...but when I meet them it's still the same...Wow. I want to learn to do those things too.

Thank-you...it was an asian thanksgiving feast:)

Accomplished.

I want to hug a prostitute. I told God that. I also told him, I am me, so you might have to work alittle to make that happen...I mean, you said you would give me the desires of my heart but I dont really hug strangers...ever. Bottom line-I just want to show someone that we are 'sisters' you know?!? Anyway, I kinda left it at that. I figured God is God and if he wants me to hug someone...it'll happen.

Actually I didn't think God really wanted me to hug anyone. I just didn't see the me i know and the world around me, jelling like that...I am not really a hugger. And what is with this weird inclination to hug a stranger anyway, I must be going crazy.

Months pass...one roomate leaves, another roomate arrives...and my new roomie hasn't quite gotten used to our neighborhood. She worries over us abit.

Well, one morning, I got up extra early and decided to just go to school early and study there, It was still dark out, outside, the night life still hadn't quite left the streets yet. And one of the slightly intoxicated girls seeing me approach her corner, faced me head on, "Can I have a hug?"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?! I gave her a hug, I didn't really know what else to do at that point. and thats when it got alittle crazy even more non me-ish...we started walking together towards my bus stop. We talked, or she talked really. And then all of a sudden, she stopped at the corner of the block and told me, "this is as far as I can go."

I didn't really know what to do, but I just told her, "I'll say prayers for you." She actually got excited when I said that and told me her name and thank-you...and then we hugged again, like it was normal, like we were friends.

then I walked away from her corner, to my bus, to another world of school and deadlines...

Anyway, when i got home that evening I told my roomie about how I got to hug a prostitute. Only to find out, she had been praying for me that morning as I left the house.

Thank-you God.

old to me but new to you

I didn't really know how to take good pics, but my computer does take pictures...so here is my new 'do' I chopped my hair, and I have no great story to share about why I did it, unfortunately, no great heroic measures from me...I did not sell my hair to pay for groceries although the thought did occur to me, nor could i donate my hair to locks of love, or some other great cause, my old hair got swept up into a trash can...and yes, I did sit there looking at myself wondering, what are you doing??!!!! But no tears and no regrets....I kinda wanted to just take a break from hair for awhile so I did...and I am happy...I do look like a 12 year old boy when I wake up...and sometimes junior high boys yell at me when I am walking down the street and then stop when they get closer cause they thought I was someone they knew...but other than that, I have gotten good reviews...basically people say I am Julie Andrews, or Mia Farrow...or Twiggy...or Hermione
So now I am worried about getting multiple personality disorder from having a complex about being Mia Farrow, and Julie Andrews at the same time...
or Twiggy and a 12 year old boy...this haircut was supposed to make my life easier and now I am confused all the time...who am I? not really...I am still me. Just slightly balder...less hair, hair-less...like a shorn little lamb...that is me.

also, mums pointed out this winter will be cold...brrrrrrr I can feel it already.