Once again, I am no longer chaste...this post may seem similar to a previous one, one that involved working at subway and my boss at the time, scrounging through garbage bins in search of my ring...but this post and that one have one major difference...the ring is still gone, I didn't come home to find it in the bathroom, I didn't come home and find it at all, I just came home and mourned...i mourned my ring, my chastity, loosing something valuable that I could have potentially pawned to pay rent, instead of trading hair in; like people do during desperate times...cause I have no hair right now, well, not no hair but not enough to sell... these are the kind of thoughts I have when i mourn. Another thought was, I could have been a tragic heroine, buried with my ring, so that when everyone gathered to say things about me...they would all end with..."at least she still had her chastity ring." but now I have nothing...just a very sad finger that misses it's ring...
I remember picking that ring out with my dad, (almost 2 decades ago...what the crap:) we went from gold store to gold store in the pontinanak market aroung the Hawaii restaurant and I got to try on rings, I felt so grown up, i loved it that I could finally ask the store keeper to move the glass so we could pick out the rings i wanted to see, that glass was always this invisible wall between me and the pretty glittering things behind it and for the first time i got to move the glass and reach in to try some 'real' jewlery...I don't think it took me too long to pick out the one I wanted but i do remember obsessing in my head about getting one as different as possible from my sisters, and I also worried that I wouldn't like it after awhile, I wanted to choose a ring that I would love forever, and I worried that I just didn't have it in me to be loyal to a ring for that long, what if I hated it eventually and didn't want to wear it? What would I do then, it would be like risking my chastity! Now that I think about it, it seems silly that I worried so much about those things, why did I really need to have a different ring from my sisters? why did I think I would hate my ring if I didn't find the perfect one? Now that it's gone, I realize I never disliked it, or thought it was ugly, or wanted to get rid of it...I was always quite fond of it, my precious:)
I remember playing with it through countless classes from Wajuk Hulu junior high to english class with Mr. S, boring chapels in bible college and awkward moments in small groups or church events when i would feel uncomfortable and needed to do something with my hands... i would turn it over and over and over and put it on different fingers and hold my hand up to the light to watch it sparkle...my precious...
as I have been mourning my precious, I realized how long I have had it, how much I liked it, and how much I'll miss it...previously, I did go through stages where I would panic about loosing it, which meant loosing my chastity along with it because you can't be chaste with a lost chastity ring...my precious always meant so much more than just gold on my finger, and sometimes I even tried to make it into a 'sign' because it had such symboic meaning...but then I'd realize how silly i was being (not that I am ever melodramatic or anything)...you know like when your asking God for something and then make a sign for Him to answer you with, like Gideon except without sheepskin, rain, or an answer for that matter...my precious had to represent over the years...it's funny though, loosing it didn't become this huge issue of whether or not God was removing a sign from my life...which normally I would be in an absolute panic wondering what God meant by taking away my precious...but this time, when I really lost it, it was just sad...
the last time I thought I had lost it, I used it as a sign, if somehow it came back to me, then that meant that God cared and wanted good things for me...even small things...but now I didn't even ask, now I mourn...
mabe it will come back to me, maybe it's gone forever, my precious...maybe I will have to make a fellowship and go in search of it, but not to throw it into a bubbling volcanic eruption to destroy it...actually I don't see myself as Frodo, or part of the fellowship at all...
I guess I feel alittle like Bilbo, the real meaning of the ring is still beyond me, but i hope I wore it well...all i know is I grew attached to it, when i had it on, it proclaimed me a pure person (as opposed to invisible, i wanted them to see how chaste I was with that ring:) and now it has changed ownership to someone else and will maybe take them on as grand an adventure as I had with it...goodbye my precious...
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