blob

so i guess my grandma calls this my blob...feeling pretty stinkin appropriate right now. can't seem to shake the feeling that this is all for nothing, that life is more like a serious of unmet expectations rather than full of promise. Where is my faith? well, i think it got left in my childhood somewhere...maybe i should get counselling to find it. maybe I should just give everything I own away and go sit in the alley with our friendly old man drunk who lives outside our door and just start drinking with him...cause being here hurts like seeing street children as you walk out of the mall with your groceries, or have a street kid hop on your jeepney and start cleaning everyones feet and then tapping you knee's with a palm up, or being in Starbucks with my latte and looking up and seeing a little girl being prompted to sit with you and ask you for money...
being here is like finding out that all that you stand for is a $ sign, and that there are thousands of little children that are taught to take you for all your worth. Who teaches kids that?!
It is also learning that we preach family planning so that there will be less street children, but family planning takes alot of risks sometimes with a woman's gynecological health, so we preach 'save the children' while we advocate harmful methods of getting a uterus to reject a pregnancy. Poor people, they have so many people who know whats best for them.
being here is learning that the best methods around can't fix sin. That hearts are hard to touch, that knowledge is impotent. And that love is harder than handing out money, or saying yes all the time, or doing what is civilized, or advocating the 'best' solution possible. Sometimes luv is giving up your groceries, saying I'm sorry and sending up a prayer, sometimes love is looking into someone elses face and knowing that there is nothing you can fix. You aren't any closer to a solution then they are.
Okay so the more I write the worse it gets. But i have a confession to make today i went shopping, and I came home with groceries and as we walked out of the grocery store i prayed that I wouldn't see any kids...that i wouldn't have to look at their faces, i just wanted to get thru today without feeling helpless, guilty and completely inadequate. i just didn't want to look into a little face and hurt for them...i wanted to just forget that my neighbor has no roof, no food and a pimp who takes all that they make begging every day. and I made it home, but i still feel rotten.

milestones

These friends came with me and because i knew they were sitting out there and not judging how well I would do or whatnot...I stayed in my seat-didn't bolt for the backdoor and walked up and presented a very deserving young man his scholarship.

It's the end of another school year. I am in the phils, why not do a scholarship presentation since I'm 'in the neighborhood'. Sounds easy, sounds simple, but what it really means is two weeks of nightmares of tripping, crying in public, or just saying something that doesn't make sense or mean anything...well, I did the latter. In the end I couldn't think, I looked across at the students and after hearing the grad address, the speakers and all the staff and not being able to even contemplate a speech beforehand I wussed out and could barely get out a quick. 'On behalf of the Enns' family...', and 'Micah Dowell congradulations'...it took forever for him to cross the stage. and then it was over.
But it wasn't over,
Bill and Treva Turpin's daughter came and congradulated and promised to invite me for dinner. also Steve's old soccer coach asked if they could have us over. Me and my friends.
Then later the wassels had us over for chicken inchelada's...we were so excited about the food they thought we were weird but we haven't had an oven for 4 months and chicken inchelada's oh my word-they were good! Then we played settlers together and just hung out with a family. Had a couple of good jokes with AJ...we have the same spiderman shirt...kinda funny...also some of the alumni were checking out my friends and AJ kindly informed us that "yes, those guys had been wispering about us." (which was very flattering)
I was so blessed today, my friends told me I did OK even though I botched it. But mostly I didn't know what to say, I found out Micah's dad is terminally ill with cancer and he might not even survive the flight home. He has 4 sisters and plays soccer and rugby and his fav verse in the yearbook was Micah 6:8 do justly, luv mercy and walk humbly.
I am so blessed. faith academy has been such a comfort to my family. Carol Foutz sat with me the whole service. I thought this day would last forever and even though it started at 5:45am...it has been good. I have been given back more than I ever thought possible...I am still me, i am still the geek who can't do public speaking but I have friends and community and tonight chicken inchelada's...life is good. And my prayers are for the Dowell family as they go home and deal with this illness. i pray that like Betsy and Corri they will be able to say that there is no pit, no darkness, no sadness and pain that God is not deeper still. that his mercies are new every morning...

Thanks bro...

Okay, here is a heads up to my bro-in law who tried to help me out with the mice/rat problem...so we have alot of mice in our new house and he bought me this handy little gadget that you plug in, that apparently sends of a high pitched noise that scares all sorts of rodents away...apparently i don't know how to use it. Me and the roomies tried to press it for awhile and soon found that instead of running away, they were coming out and playing on our rug. We would walk by it and press it at random times to 'feel safe'...and then they would come and play...seriously!
Only now do i know that we have to directly point the beam thingy at the mouse while we press it....now how am I going to rig up a contraption that i can chase and zing mice with as we try and scare them? An extention sord would probably end up tripping us up more than the mice...arghhhhh
Oh and my roomies decided to give the 'thingy' a name...we call it the mating call.
so I am still completely hopeless about learning how to use new 'toys', haven't changed much in that area.

Raise the roof!!

Okay so my last birth was kinda dramatic and i called the dilation wrong and we had two pushing stages cause 1 was alittle premature. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Anyway saw her for a postpartum and am posting picks of her and baby Adrian James...they are doing great now-no thanks to me....also her labor support team was great...mum, little sis and even her Dad came to help cheer her on...she is only 18 and is single. So her family supporting her was great to see. Her mum had the greatest line during labor...she told her daughter, "i would take your stomache and push that baby out for you but I can't you have to". 20 minutes later...baby out!This is my roomie and labor mate...she teaches me to suture and encourages me even when I don't thinks things could have gone any worse. She makes crepe's and is a good menonite from MB...we get eachothers jokes...oh have I mentioned she is the suture queen...


This morning, 2 am I was actually the baby midwife but cause my roomie knew I needed to get some experience suturing and it was only a 1st degree tear, I got the job. So, I have never felt so bad for anyone than this poor mum in my life...but also have never been more proud of someone bearing the pain and being so brave. This mum rocked. I know I wasn't the fastest and since it was my first time suturing, not problem free but i loaded her up with the lidocaine and before you knew it Tapos na! (finished)
Then another labor came in and 4 hours later...heart tones were alittle scary; I was so tired all i could do was pray Jesus, Jesus and be so thankful for my Filipina superior, Grace. She was so calm and told me what to watch for and how to push back a cervical anterior lip...seriously cool cause I actually knew what I was touching and looking for. It was my catch this time and happened right at shift change so I had my friends and fellow student all helping at the birth. Oxygen, pit, baby care. They were all there and the mum was so great, Rowena, she really handled the pain so well and was so co-operative and pushed thru the pain when we told her that the baby needed to come NOW. And just so you know, babe's recovered so quickly after a hard birth, we gave a bit of oxygen and he started crying and wanted to nurse right away. Good boy.
This is sounding very medical of me but that is what 4 days a week are like. Now that I work at a round the clock clinic, babies come...at all times of the day and nite and in all shapes and sizes.

48 hours

Some of the 'little children' in Dennis' Gunderson's life...


Wednesday...at 11pm right before our 48 hour shift at antipolo we got a text saying that the founder, Dennis Gunderson died suddenly after being admitted to the hospital earlier that day. At 5am we were up and ready to start our shift...having no idea what it was going to look like.
The funeral and cremation took place thursday, the day after Dennis died-the midwives took about 6 hours off and then were back for the nite...most of them sleep at the clinic every nite anyway.
Friday morning it was back to work as usual, it is hard to find people to cover a whole clinic for a week even when something this huge happens. The midwives definately handled everything with a grace and willingness that touched my heart. At about 3pm , Darren, Dennis son-in-law came with a guitar and just started playing and singing his father-in-laws favorite songs as one by one staff gathered for a small 'in-house' memorial. Staff from the little children's home and also the midwifery clinic gathered to sing and hear Darren's account of his father-in-laws final moments as well as his legacy. Psalm 40...was the passage which Darren used to describe his father-in-law...as a slave for Christ and that the instructions for his life's passion was found in the scripture..."suffer the little children to come unto me..." hence the little children's home. Also he spoke of patiently waiting for God, but also for a righteous impatience when it comes to doing the work of GOd to the 'poor', or 'little children'. Using verse 11-13 as a model for Dennis' life, Darren explained that his father-in-law was a flawed man who always had too much to do and too little time, but He relied on God to hear his prayers for each situation and all the particulars and to plead for God's quick help in every trouble. By faith Dennis Gundeson trusted God to work for each and every orphan he took under his care. Thats is a pretty cool testimony.
I couldn't help but look around and hear all the sharing of the midwives and baby home staff, They shared about their Tatay (Father) with tears and laughter, so being a missionary wasn't just saving orphans, it was about being a family. Darren and Deb (dennis' daughter) left soon after serving a little snack but the singing didn't stop and then we stood in a circle and prayed for the family and the ministry that God used for 20 years in the hands of his servant Dennis Gunderson.
I can't help but see how many people relied on this man. In the good way he had lived his life seeking the kingdom of God with a righteous impatience on behalf of the little children. And so i guess i have to trust that his death will also work about the same goodness. That it will teach all of us who were touched by his life to serve and love and give and pray with a godly impatience...Thy kingdom come...he has 3 sons and 3 daughters and i know of at least 2 grandkids that I'm sure would appreciate prayers.

New faces

I work at a different clinic now. Run by 5 Filipina midwives, they eat, sleep and raise their kids around laboring and pregnant women. it can become quite comical at times. You know your mother's a midwife when...your a 2 year old little girl and you see a pregnant woman and you grab some gloves and run up to her like your going to measure cervical dialation.
Ate Imelda, our wonderful preceptor and one of the beautiful babies we get to hold.
one of the midwives kids. He is about the cutest little rascal ever. Naughty but hilarious. Another girl I have gotten to know is Ella, she is just visiting for vacation but she speaks great english so we have bonded...the other day I was walking down the hill to 'get my exercise' and a bottle of gatorade (for my electrolytes...are you proud of me yet dad?)...wearing my sunscreen I might add (yes tris occasionally I do...) and she comes racing behind in barefeet on the gravel road...ate mia, ate mia...I thought a woman in labor had come to the clinic or something! But no, she just wanted me to bring her back chocolate. I understand this need for chocolate so I definately got some for her. I will miss her when she heads back to school in June.
oh, also i got told that i looked like i was 16...Imelda is my favorite person right now! What this picture doesn't say is that i haven't showered for 48 hours and have been to 5 births; hand sanitizer has been used as body lotion so i don't kill people with my dirt and stench and I'm about to get on an hour long jeepney ride home. yet ella still lets me hug her-what a pal-she is really a great kid!

election day

yesterday was election day in the phils...but I wouldn't know who won...there were 4 births at the clinic yesterday and i caught 2 little boys. One was very little...4.4lbs. He ended up being transported to the children's hospital because we think he has a heart problem.
But the saddest thing is that his mum gave him up, she left around 12 hours after delivering him and went to work. No one knew she was even pregnant to begin with and she had purposely kept her weight down so she wouldn't show that much. So now there is a little boy in a children's hospital somewhere in the phils with no mother to watch over him in the incubator. He has Jesus and he has my prayer's and he has some great missionaries who are taking care of him. I think he will be taken in by a baby home that is next door to our birthing clinic. There he will possibly be adopted by people in North America. So i hope that he makes it thru and that there is a mother heart waiting somewhere for this little gift. 4.4lbs of hope.

mums

I was going to just use a picture and not say anything...kinda like a picture is worth a thousand words. But couldn't get the right one and maybe my perfectionist side is coming out but now i must write.
Here I am, a midwife workin with a lot of first time mums. And multipara's (women who have had more than 2 children), thats YOU mums. I relive the experience of meeting that new face for the very first time. Of meeting the person who will cry for you for the next two years straight, wet the bed for the next 2, make messes for you to clean up, give you their garbage, and play with your make-up...and call you when their broke.
So here's to all mothers, there is something indescribably powerful about watching a women laboring and with her own strenth bringing that little babe's into a world full of promises. promises of life, expectations, relationships and hope.
But...maybe labor doesn't end with birth, maybe kids make their mum labor thru ups and downs, and all the possibilities of what they could be...where they are going...
And as a midwife ( I just study about all this and apparently know what to do) I just want to say to my mums, Kaya mu yan...You can do it.
Keep laboring, cause your pro and doing an amazing job...sure we may have to break the waters and maybe induce some action but your doing great. Keep praying, keep taking deep breaths...drink lots of water and don't forget to pee. Cause life is pain but birth is worth it all...thanks for letting me out mums!

mums...

k so i got to thinking that maybe I should start preping for a big mother's day post extravaganza...being as I am a midwife and really promote that kinda thing and thought I'd probably have a brain fart when the actual moment comes so then i thought I would start with the women who have been influencial in my life...

Grandma's....
I have two. they are cool...no this is not a poem!

Tons of fun
Incredibly funny
Nice pants grandma:)
Advise
Killer cinnamon buns and coffee
Attitude
Your always ready with a smile and a hug.


Desires God
Always encouraging
Righteous
Longsuffering
Entertaining
Never stops praying
Everytime we visit has, amazing food, and seaworld and your house smells so good...even the bathroom...

my sisters have also gotten to be mothers and they are pretty spectacular at it...my mum of course being a great example to them...but here are some thoughts on motherly advise...that my mum has given which proves to be some of the most influential in my life.

never do math in pen....

always put the toilet seat down...well not me...but my bro learned pretty quick.

don't wear too much lipstick...

lets play a game...

sickness is all in your head... (which has proven to be very true since they found that blood pressure problems probably start in your brain!)

there will always be issues...stop talking and start dealing!

do some laundry...

why worry? When you can...not worry. (sounds simple but this is a biggie)

sunday sermon

So i skipped church today to find a piper sermon online...the theme for todays message, I don't know maybe it's a sign. It was definately a reality check. Kinda like this is your life and there is blessing in this life...if nothing happens and no changes ever take place from now until you die...there is still blessing in this. So i take this as a sign-I know your all laughing but seriously-what are the chances when i skip church and finally check piper's website for the first time out here that I will get the sermon on singleness...and even mums was writing this morning, that heaven help me if i ever get married...well i think it's a sign. Pretty sure God is saying that I'm single. the title is 'Better than sons and daughters'...and these are not my words I give full credit to (married) John Piper.

I will start and end with my main point and, in the middle, cover a wide terrain of Scripture to support it. My main point is that God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children, and he calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and childrearing. The truths, namely,

1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;¹
2. That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (and, of course, it is wonderful when relationships in families are also relationships in Christ; but we know that is often not the case);
3. That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face;
4. That faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

To say the main point more briefly: God promises spectacular blessings to those of you who remain single in Christ, and he gives you an extraordinary calling for your life. To be single in Christ is, therefore, not a falling short of God’s best, but a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping obedience that many are called to walk.

leaving on a blue note

The Blue Room....birthing room for Gerlene, yesterday I went to prenatals there again and realized what a great time i had working with Gerlene. here are some pics of the reno...yes midwives are good painters...



the before pics...



the primer pictures...

spiders and babies

So i went to Spiderman 3...went with all my roomies, Becks, Linds, Kayla, Alex. We had our Spiderman tee's and group pictures...most of which didn't turn out. So plus i am too lazy to download them to my computer from someone elses....so you just get to think about how cool 5 white girls looked at the second day of Spiderman showing in the middle of an asian metropolis. We rocked the house. Later we met up with our friend Kim, it was a great evening...then I decided to wear my new spidey tee to bed just to keep the 'moment'. Yes, some things are priceless.
On to my first shifts at Shiphrah birthing home in antipolo...wake up at 4:45am and a 45 minute Jeepney ride to walk up a steep hill and there you are at a quiet little birthing clinic in the hills above the city of Manila. So for 48 hours i slept, ate and waited for births. Didn't have to wait too long though, i was involved in three in one day. The very last birth, last nite, I got to catch. A gorgeous little chubby girl-who put her mum through a lot of pain-it was a hard birth but Celia, stepped it up and really didn't look back or chicken out. Oh and she didn't make a sound. Seriously, I don't know how they do it, i feel like I want to scream just watching what a mother goes thru in labor and here she is just looking up and nodding when you ask if there is a contraction. So here is what i look like at a birth just in case you think I'm some great heroic person coming to a helpless poverty stricken woman's rescue....
Me: Ate any hilab (contraction)?
Celia: nodding then indicates that there is none again by positioning herself so i can best check heart tones...
Me: Gustomo tubig? Do you want water?
Celia: Takes the cup and drinks...no words still...
Me: Ihib po. I am reminding her to breathe...
Celia: Looks at me and takes deep breaths.
In my little canadian brain i am like-she must be ready to slap me now. i am just sitting here watching her and she is writhing in pain and I am giving her water and telling her to breathe. i would slap myself but she just keeps going. Walking, kneeling, squatting, sitting, laboring.
Then baby comes and in this case it was like a light turned on in Celia's face, pain wasn't over but all that hoping was finally seen in the face of a chubbie cutie pie. And I am so excited, telling her Tapos na (finished), and she just smiles alittle at me.

Quotes of the weekend...

What's my name nanay?...I ask.
"Grandpa!" (naomi 2yrs)


Auntie Mia, i think you should join the military. That would be good for you! (Isaiah 5)

Auntie Mia if you had kids, you would be nicer to me, I am really tired. if you had kids, you would carry me to the beach. (Isaiah 5)


HellOOOOOOO (nanay, 2)

Auntie Mia can we do make-up? (Hannah 3)
First you put make-up on me and then I can put some on you...that will be fun auntie mia.

Auntie Mia, you got milk for Timmi? (nanay, 2)

Auntie Mia, gotta go pee, pooh, potty!!! (nanay 2)

Auntie Mia, you should get married...why are you not married? Don't you want to get married, Hey auntie mia, why don't you get married? (Isaiah 5)

Gonna miss the little cheeky monkeys. Hope they survive for 6-10 more hours on the flight to Canada...there is nothing like living the dream with your family for one moment and then going your separate ways, and realizing that those moments are the best things about you.