And how's your health?

Dear mum and dad,
thank-you for wanting me to come visit you for Christmas. I am super excited. I have been thinking tho, it's been a while since you have seen me and well, I am a student nurse, abit of a hypervigilant one...you could have picked one of my other sisters and had fun with loads of children...taking their many children on the subway, reminding them not to touch things, not to walk away from you, hold your hand excetera...now you will have just me...and you might find yourself overwhelmed in otherways...

I might have to get a pair of subway pants, so I don't get germs...I will put them on before I enter the subway and then take them off when I get off the subway...germs are everywhere...

I might want to wear gloves when touching people...

I might stare at people for prolonged periods of time...why you may ask...I am counting their breaths...just to make sure they are still alive...this could make people feel awkward on the subway...this could make you (the parentals) feel awkward...I might freak out when someone is sleeping, and have to check their pulse and pupils...because, they could be suffering from increased intercranial pressure, or dead.

If you introduce me to your friends I might start conversation by asking, "So, when was your latest bowel movement?" if they actually reply I might continue with..."what did it look like?" "Was it normal for you?"

this could potentially cause problems in your social circle...I hope you know what your in for...maybe you should warn your friends before meeting me...

I for one am super pumped to take all my new found knowledge on a trip to new people and places...they might not be ready for me...but here I come...

I think I am going to pick up a pair of matching subway pants for you me and dad....just to be safe...k...see you soon!

Luke the physician

lately I have been obsessed with the book of Luke...written by  Dr...did you know the very first miracle recorded in Luke is not about sickness, or the wine incident for that matter:) it's about demon possession...
I thought that was interesting...cause I feel like Luke really likes to relate people's stories...Like Simeon and Anna meeting baby Jesus...and Mary pondering, and Elizabeth beind righteous...so far i am only at chapter 5...but I like it...I think Luke likes to get a view of how people think...and thats why his very first miracle to talk about is demon possession...not physical illness

i like Luke...Dr. Luke:) (Kath that was for you)

Pilates and Panties

this fall we have been doing pilates as a household...quite the commitment since we have opposite schedules...but we found this crazy girl who posts her pilates on u tube and we are hooked...she is actually pretty incredible...pop-pilates...short and sweet...you can do two or three of her video's and then call it a day...and some of the moves I still can't quite do but when us three roomies get together in the evenings to do pilates on our livingroom floor there is much mirth and shreaking as we try and pop-pilates ourselves to better health...also I found out my roomate hates the word panties...so now, randomly I go around saying...panties panties panties...just to make sure she knows, I know, about panties.
Tonight I skipped pilates to study cause I have a massive test tomorrow...pretty much I am terrified I will not pass this test so I am trying to study as much as I can...unfortunately I am still feeling quite overwhemed by the material...but it made me happy to hear the groans and laughter from downstairs as they worked their way through another segment of pilates while I studied...now I am going to go downstairs and say panties panties panties while I walk past them to get another cuppa tea...

panties panties panties

unka flew...

When Ry was putting up all those pictures of old slides on facebook of the 'good old day's...I got caught up in one of you wearing plaid pants...looking so young...super shy...and thought about how amazing that boy turned out...your such an inspiration and example to me. I hope you know your one of my hero's...I can't be there to hug you right now...so am sending my love and prayers and hugs the only way I know how...my little blob shout out...I luv you unka flew...



you will always be

tuna sandwiches

mayonnaise please

don't forget the pickles!

french vanilla coffee

watching biography

at one time, however

you, a young man wearing plaid pants

with longish hair,

hanging over the collar

shy eyes and a smile

that's who you were

in pictures I've seen

but to me

you will always be

a loving father

giving a goodnite kiss

to a teenage boy, who

wore red coloured eye contacts

had black nail polish on

just a reminder you were there

if he wanted to talk about it

a husband of many years

building crafts for the

Christmas bake sale

after work for 2 weeks straight

only to give all credit away

"She is the most amazing woman."

you would say,



you can charm anyone

in your gentle way

make strangers smile

even the grocery store cashier

who is having a bad day

you bring the news

in pictures everynite at 5

even traveling to Africa

and bringing it back

I saw a continent

captured through your eye's

the care you show me

even as I moved away

your attentiveness

kind remembrances

brought back the best of days

this is the portrait that I see

this is what you will always be

1981

what is up with that year already...what happened to 1981? or maybe what happened after that made us this way...I am just going to throw it out there...I think 1981 is a bit of a train wreck...I have come to this conclusion tho...after much thought...it's not me...it's 1981. Done.

perfection is...

Sometimes I want to stop my search for the perfect, the ideal, the unknowable, unreachable goal...that thing that hangs just out of reach that I always wanted, that made me want to grow up, but has confused me ever since...someone wise said that God put eternity in our hearts, but sometimes I want to forget that such a thing exists...eternity...I picture it as a  little island...or destination...and that if i find it (in this lifetime) I won't have to travel anymore. So often I've felt so very close, but only realize in the next instant that life is far from perfect, and the mystery of life is so much more than I can ever understand, and eternity, well that's just crazy. I considered this journey to be my lifelong duty, my calling, which in it's daily monotony (life) unfortuantely became like a fulltime job, somedays are terribly routine with no particular purpose, sometimes I want a mental vacation. Most people don't actually want a vacation from their thought-life routine, only their work routine...but since my life is sometimes what I would consider mentally laborious...I take over-analyzing to a whole new level, I think...it's alot of work...
Work. In healthcare we watch people breathe; especially those who have an increased 'work of breathing'; when someone is using excessive energy to maintain their airway and get oxygen/carbon dioxide exchange in the lungs. Breathing becomes something that requires all their attention and energy, they become anxious, can't speak properly...their life is work. Just as I think people can physically become burdened with the work of trying to live, and want a vacation from it. I think I can scare myself by wanting a mental vacation from thinking about eternity...I just want to get a new version for awhile...start over...do things differently...see a different perspective...would i still get to this place...where life seems like such hard work, like I am watching myself painfully breathe.
Life. Popular ideology would have us believe we are empowered people. It is our work to become the creater of our own lives, the sole shapers of our future...it can sound like...what do you want to be when you grow up? What are you going to make of yourself? Go for it! (you) Make all your dreams come true. But thats actually when I stop looking for that island. I forget eternity. I forget life is a journey. And when life doesn't work out...it so quickly turns into..."Hey, they must be a real looser, an empty dreamer, a failure." And what was 'the plan' or purpose and fulfillment, is all just a whole lot of extra work, left barely able to focus on anything else. All that anyone else sees is someone who is getting nowhere though working so very very hard.
Eternity. People don't say that word anymore, we say, "Life-long guarantee". We say, "10 year warrantee". We say, "Hedge your bets, don't take risks, make a five year plan." But we don't say, "Eternity". It's as if that small little reminder, that started me on this trip, becomes obsolete as I see so many more pressing, more immediate milestones of life. But no, Eternity hasn't changed. Eternity is still unknown, untried, missunderstood. I still have not arrived, I am still traveling...

Sometimes I only get this far, I think, I contemplate, I try, I almost come to some sort of conclusion and then I stop. It's frustrating, but then, sometimes, here is where I come back to the beginning of where i started, that there is so much more to life than just validating myself. Here is where I feel like that little island...is somehow the key...and all this work, this restless heart...will find it's rest in something beyond myself...I think Augustine said that his heart was restless too. Where can I find strength to watch someone work just to breathe? Where can I finally lay this mental burden down...eternity. It is where life is more than just working to make something of myself. Thats no answer, it doesn't resolve a whole lot but thats enough for now. I'll get back in that ship and keep sailing...I'll keep thinking:) (and thinking and thinking)...to find something that I can't even understand that someone else put inside of me...eternity

A Father figure

November 4 came and went, the whole day I kept telling myself, it's somebodies birthday today, but as I went thru the day...for the life of me I couldn't remember whose...as I went to the hospital at 6am I thought...it's the fourth and my family has a thing for being born on the fourth, 'today seems like one of those fourths'...as I was helping my patients with their medicine, 'who is it?'..."whose fourth is it today?"...no answer came to me...after work i came home exhausted...and then got ready to go out to a wedding social but I was still wondering who's birthday it was...(in winnipeg people have wedding socials, it's like a fundraiser (prizes, draws, tickets) party where everyone gets invited to raise money for the bride and groom but also it's a party (dancing and food) so anyone can come)...this was my first winnipeg social...the dance floor was almost pitch dark, so i felt very comfortable dancing...no one could see much...and then when good dancers came and started dancing really well I just watched them thinking, I wish I could do that, and I was also thinking i wished I knew whose birthday it is today...then, at the end of the social it was announced that it was alot of peoples birthday that day...the fourth...so we all sang happy birthday...instead of saying the list if names of people whose birthday it was at the party...I sang...'to everyone' when that part came thinking, "I know it's someone in my families birthday today...this will count as me singing to them"...

so grandpa, at about midnite on the fourth of november, in the middle of a crowded dance floor I sang happy birthday to you...happy 87 years of being the Enns' favorite 'pinch guy'

I love you my most

to be good

a very long time ago, when I was much more wide-eyed and wonderstruck by life, when i still had big dreams, when I could do anything...yes, back there, in childhood...I skipped over an important lesson wanting to get to the adventure of adulthood. I guess I thought little children should dream of doing great things, and being passionate people, changing the world, so missed a whole section on a little something called good.
I think the lesson itself was called, "How to be good". I wouldn't actually know the title of the lesson since I didn't learn it, have no notes on it and certainly failed the test. You may wonder how I actually got to the point where I knew I was missing something, if I am so oblivious to it, well... Sometimes when i watch my friends live, I wonder to myself, why did they do that? Where did that come from? Sometimes I get flashes of inspiration from the tone in their voice, or when they do something that doesn't really even compute I just watch them and think (flash, flash, flash...) I should know this...but I don't. All those flashes die away like a firework as i contemplate what in the world just happened. I think because I get so caught up in inspiration and bright lights in general I find the smaller, finer details of life, like goodness alittle, well, mundane.    
The definition of good (according to a random website I googled) used as an adjective is, that which is desired or approved of, as a noun, what is morally right...You will hear people say they want good health, a good doctor, a good deal, or that a good pair of jeans is essential to life. I always thought they were using good in reference to something else all together. I always thought they just wanted a doctor, a deal or a pair of jeans...but if what they desired was goodness, then owning a pair of jeans isn't enough, it's whether or not you can rock those jeans that matters:) And what about people, some people believe the world is full of good people. Other's believe that the world is just too full:) And still others believe that the world is full of people who can be good...ummm, this would imply that they originally are not, that goodness is something to be found outside of simply existing. It is here where I am stuck, out in the cold as it were, bemoaning the fact that some people could very well be good, but I am certain not one of them. Ironically, often when people ask me if I am okay, I always reply, "I'm good." which once again proves the fact that I have no idea what good actually means since I don't even use the word properly...and I shouldn't be writing about something I know nothing about, and use incorrectly...but this blob is a journey...as I stumble along my adult life which, shockingly, isn't quite what I expected as a child i keep running into it. The good. That small word that comes before so many others...I think, forgetting about goodness, impacted how I viewed life. Life became an accumulations of goals, things, a pile of rubbish. I swallowed the lie that everyone just wants a life, no one wants to look unattractive or undesirable, get a life! The excuss for not doing so many things is, "I have a life." but now I wonder, is it any good? Which brings me back to this lesson I am starting to learn. "How to be good."  I am on unit one, wondering why God saw all that He had made, and said, "It is very good."