Fear

apparantly no one is supposed to feel it. It's not a big deal. Get over it. but still, I am afraid.

tomorrow I start another 10 weeks of 'it'. The real deal, being evaluated in a group of 5, always being watched, always being told what your doing wrong...and all you can do is man up...keep smiling, keep going, keep looking like a complete nut-job while your dressed up like a marshmellow.
I didn't think I would be this nervous, I had a great break, I got away from it all and literally put everything out of my mind. But now I am here, the night before, craving my mum's cooking and my Dad's pep talk...

tomorrow is probably going to be fine (it's orientation) but I am still paralyzed with this knowledge that I know what the next bit involves, and it's not pretty...and I always seem to get so mixed up in my head worrying about all the 'other' things rather than focusing on why I decided to do this degree in the first place...to help people...instead I am freaking out about which colour of pen i need to bring with me, where the policy manuals are on the floor, and if i will have to speak...I don't want to speak...words come out, and none of them sound good...if only the next 10 weeks were like a silent film...I could deal with the chaos better I think, if I didn't have to interpret it all at once to anyone who decides to interrogate me... with words, sentences, trying to make sense of it all....

I don't know why I am so unable to take things as they come, and think that each situation will be solvable, that I can tackle it moment by moment...I just see the whole mess of 10 weeks coming at me like a train with no brakes...it's rather terrifying. (And no, I don't think I am over-reacting at all by comparing school to impending death...)

So, tonight. I wait, afraid.