I was going to talk about life but I think I'll just focus on prayer for a bit. When i was in the Philippines I used to just pray Jesus name during the births, there wasn't much time to say a bunch of things and no one could really understand eachother with the language barrier so i would just say Jesus name over and over in my head as I pictured the movements of the baby going thru the birth canal and saw the mother's pain and tiredness as she reached nearer to the end of labor. I kinda got into the habit of just not being able to express myself in a situation, i just had to call on Jesus name. It is kinda weird but I think I just grew uncomfortable with phrasing what i meant and how I felt and eventually I felt like I couldn't say anything at all. Not that i think praying Jesus name wasn't effective or meaningful, but I lapsed into this, attitude of well; He is Sovereign over it and will do what His will is in every matter so what am I to talk about. But as time went on i slowly realized that I wasn't saying much of anything to God. Circumstances, a wee bit of bitterness and some serious frustration had alittle influence on all this too...it's almost as if thru all my trying to help people less fortunate than myself, I came to see a much darker person inside of me. Not the helper I wanted to be but a kinda proud little fleshly human doing her Christ like duty out of fear. It wasn't pretty, i wondered how people ever actually help eachother, or do they simply use one another for their own need to be needed, important or special.
So back to praying, this thought process was kind of all going on but how do I tell God that what I see in this little part of the earth that I have influenced is mostly darkness and me adding my own baggage to the mess around me. I mean, I am no great light giver, and my motivations can certainly be second guessed in alot of cases. All the ideals of being this great helper, touching the poor with selfless love....come on, I could barely make it through a shift, then get on public transportation to the nearest starbucks. I don't know why I think of starbucks as the root of all evil, it was a big theraputic escape for me while I was in the phils though.
Well, the other month I attended a little dedication at an anglican church, where they pray other people's prayers...and after 6 months of not being able to pray to Jesus anything more than, Dear Jesus....
I prayed someone else's prayer for a little baby girl. I almost started crying at the front of the church, I mean the words were far more than i had considered for this little baby, but they somehow tied me to God and her by just speaking them. So I decided to go back to Psalms and pray David's prayers....it has been a good month of discovering that while I still don't know how to approach God with all the different paradox that is life, sometimes I can stand in someone elses footprint and still be heard. And it has also been comforting to hear some of the confusion and frustration that David went thru too.
So, I don't really know where I am going with this, but this lesson has been a very good one for me, my faith is not big enough to address God in every situation that I have had to face, but God is big enough to show grace where I have been much afraid. So I just want you all to pray today, use words, silly, simple small but true. Express yourself to the One who loves you.
1 comment:
Hey Maria,
That's neat that you shared that - I often wonder if I'll actually make a good doctor who really cares about my patients or who just wants the feel good feeling you get from helping someone and having them being grateful to me! I totally feel more wrapped up in myself than in other people and their needs and concerns most of the time! It's scary, but somehow, through it all, God continues to be so gracious to us and continue to mold us to be more like him. I know this wasn't the intent of what you shared, but I could relate to that aspect of your entry.
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