Happy Birthday

well, you would be an old man by now-the big 23-alot of your friends are married; you would probably be at least engaged by now. being as girls were phoning you in jr high already...but I really don't ever think about what might have been that much anymore. It's more just life without you. I mean I am celebrating your birthday and your not here, just alot of life that still misses the youness in it. I can say though that life is still very good; thankfully I got counseling so I was given the green light on how I deal with my grief...I fit into some sort of healthy model of the '12 steps to recovering from loss'... apparently now I need affirmation on how to lose you-weird I know.
but that doesn't really matter to me. i think I would have been just as content if the counselor told me I needed serious help with my 'grief issues'...who really cares about emotional stability-I'm a girl.
seriously, I miss you.
I think the first moment I really knew that you were cooler than me was when you came home from school talking about how you hung out with Megan Good...and I realized you were out of my league...
but I also remember Carissa and Andi and I dressing you up in that hideously loud purple and red splashed shirt and slicking your hair and making you model for us...you scared dad alittle with what a natural you were at 'blue steel'...
and then shopping trips with you and mums; and you always 'kept the change' little did we know you were making so much you would get rolls of toonies and loonies...
walking to 5th grade with you going to 2cd; getting fries at the coffee break after school and tipping mums a penny...
When you first died I used to get upset cause I couldn't talk about you or how I felt in public. I wanted you to stay as close to you as possible and talking about you just put you out there...in words; as if I were making you disappear just like a puff of smoke. And all the life would slowly turn into a snapshot of time; a life less picture, just a description of you. But even holding on to my words is a losing battle; your still gone. I can't wait to see you again. To see you strut and hear your voice-I am not sure about what everybody's going to look like in heaven but I told God that you have to be recognizable so I can find you...
so happy birthday...