so i guess my grandma calls this my blob...feeling pretty stinkin appropriate right now. can't seem to shake the feeling that this is all for nothing, that life is more like a serious of unmet expectations rather than full of promise. Where is my faith? well, i think it got left in my childhood somewhere...maybe i should get counselling to find it. maybe I should just give everything I own away and go sit in the alley with our friendly old man drunk who lives outside our door and just start drinking with him...cause being here hurts like seeing street children as you walk out of the mall with your groceries, or have a street kid hop on your jeepney and start cleaning everyones feet and then tapping you knee's with a palm up, or being in Starbucks with my latte and looking up and seeing a little girl being prompted to sit with you and ask you for money...
being here is like finding out that all that you stand for is a $ sign, and that there are thousands of little children that are taught to take you for all your worth. Who teaches kids that?!
It is also learning that we preach family planning so that there will be less street children, but family planning takes alot of risks sometimes with a woman's gynecological health, so we preach 'save the children' while we advocate harmful methods of getting a uterus to reject a pregnancy. Poor people, they have so many people who know whats best for them.
being here is learning that the best methods around can't fix sin. That hearts are hard to touch, that knowledge is impotent. And that love is harder than handing out money, or saying yes all the time, or doing what is civilized, or advocating the 'best' solution possible. Sometimes luv is giving up your groceries, saying I'm sorry and sending up a prayer, sometimes love is looking into someone elses face and knowing that there is nothing you can fix. You aren't any closer to a solution then they are.
Okay so the more I write the worse it gets. But i have a confession to make today i went shopping, and I came home with groceries and as we walked out of the grocery store i prayed that I wouldn't see any kids...that i wouldn't have to look at their faces, i just wanted to get thru today without feeling helpless, guilty and completely inadequate. i just didn't want to look into a little face and hurt for them...i wanted to just forget that my neighbor has no roof, no food and a pimp who takes all that they make begging every day. and I made it home, but i still feel rotten.
5 comments:
wow Maria, that's hard. i never know how to handle beggars & street ppl either. :( so hard. keep trusting God & maybe He'll teach you some new things thru this, some new way of relating to them or smthg! life does seem very unfair.
Mia you are amazing at this you should have started a Blob years ago. We are the vets of this time period and I am amazed at how well you put into word what is laid on the heart.
welcome to the crying, heart-wrenched clug (i figure if this is a blob than you've joined the clug). let me just say that i really, really understand. -K
tears. falling na. this is a day i know all to well. i pray for love. but when love comes so do the tears. i don't want to always be crying... but when my heart is in the right place either my eyes or heart end up doing just that.
loving someone means sending them to a hospital when they are relying on you to help them... and you feel like you are only pretending to know what is best for them. haven't they suffered enough already?
how does my life even make a difference? could they have really seen Jesus here?
i'm praying for you. i am blessed by you. you are making a difference. Jesus is the difference. i believe others can see that... i pray that it is transparent.
The only worse thing than caring and crying is not caring and crying. I'm afraid I have hardened my heart much too often over the years. A tip some friends in Manila gave us is to keep little packages of peanuts or mixed nuts handy and give them out to the begger children. That way they hopefully get some nutrition. They have to give any money they get to their handlers anyway! Given with a smile and a look into their eyes that says you are important to somebody - and a prayer. I believe that can make a difference.
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