there are moments in a persons life when they have to step up, and take one for the team...be the one...go out of the comfort zone...and buy toilet paper. Toilet paper runs are rife for innuendo and teasing from the grocery store and the 4 blocks back to the house afterwards. First, it involves finding the cheapest, yet soft version, of toilet paper-which unfortunately, and I think they do this intentionally to add to the discomfort of anyone buying it, is the largest package of toilet paper. The toilet paper is so massive you can't fit it under your arm properly without having it slide down your hip and legs as you walk around the rest of the store trying to look like you have other things to buy and carry home...but who are you kidding really...you can't even handle the toilet paper.
Then you have an epiphany and grad some milk...milk is always good...but this forces you to now hug the toilet paper to your chest as you wait in line to check out. You pick the express lane because the name somehow conveys that you can end this embarrassing episode somewhat quicker by choosing this line than another...not express lane...unfortunately for you, the person in front of you decides that they are going to argue the price of a product with the cashier right then. "It was on sale!" they say absolutely. "It's not coming up in the computer on sale." the cashier responds. "I saw the sign!" the customer yells back. "show me where you saw it," the cashier and customer stroll off leaving you...all alone, standing half-way into the main ail, hugging your toilet paper. People are walking by, the 'slow line' is progressing quite rapidly...and then the customer and cashier return discussing the company policy on placement of sale signs..."You should put signs below the product to advertise the sale." the customer bickers, "The price was hanging over my item, of course I would think it's advertising what it's touching, you should give me the sale price for being so confused by this company and it's inadequacies!"
and on it goes...until finally it's my turn...the milk is pretty much cutting off circulation to my fingers by this point...but I am sufficiently appeased that I have covered my toilet paper run with a milk run (in the cashiers eye's i probably just picked up toilet paper cause it was on sale...right? of course right!) and then she gives me a bag for the milk and tells me to have a nice day...whAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"ummm, excuse me," I am floundering here, don't want to be too demanding or seem needy and embarrassed..."can I have a bag for the toilet paper too?"
"It's kind of awkward...to hold" I mumble.
"That toilet paper doesn't fit in our bags. sorry" she replies.
What kind of place makes bags too small for toilet paper...it's a conspiracy...I don't say that though...I just think it.
"well, uh, thanks." I mutter in misery.
I grab the bagged milk, which now no one can see cause it's in a bag! Then I grab the mammoth sized toilet paper package into my arms like an old friend I am hugging...who am I kidding I am not a hugger...this would be awkward even if it was a person... but it's toilet paper...great.
I start walking fast through the parking lot and make it to the crosswalk...the light turns green I have to wait. Then i bolt across the street once I can, excitedly wondering how fast I can make it home only to have to inform myself.
"People are looking at me."
Yup, me with my giant toilet paper, running...thats not subtle at all...so i slow down. I walk. And the blocks turn into days...by the time I get to my front door it been 7 years of hugging a toilet paper roll... I drop my burden to the floor like I've been burned once I'm in....glare at it. I hate toilet paper.
the end.
on a happy note...my roomies are all quite happy with me.
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