I had a baby die yesterday. She was born flat and unresponsive. We did chest compressions and ppv on her for a long time. We prayed and cried and prayed and prayed some more. I don't know what to say about how I feel or what went wrong. But that i am totally wrecked and completely at peace that God is bigger than birth. Do I feel that if only she had gone to a hospital things would have turned out different, of course! But I also know that God doesn't make mistakes, even though i do, and He plans divine appointments and He gives you enough strength for each new day of troubles. And i was drowning in troubles yesterday. Andi's choir sang a song about the earth being tired. There is nothing more exhausting than witnessing the Devil do his best to take our joy, hope and strength by showing us how powerless we are in life and death situations. In turning the miracle of birth into a terrifying display of human weakness, inability and showing us that we are just a breath away from death.
I wanted so much to help women in labor, to encourage and witness the thrill and joy of a new life. This was my worst fear. This was the one thought that i prayed against, i wanted God to spare me from a baby dying at birth, you know, you just figure if your in this for His sake, He can be big enough to keep all the bad things from happening. But God didn't spare Jesus, and He wouldn't let me come out of this training without this experience. being a missionary is not bringing God's magic touch into the life of a desperately poor woman. being a missionary is praying and doing chest compressions, cleaning up the blood, dressing the baby, and listening to a father cry.
I am hanging on to the fact that God can bring life into any situation. He can reveal himself in the dark sometimes better than the light. Although the fig tree doesn't blossom, the labor of the olive tree fail, the flock be cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stahls, yet i will rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. The lord is my strength and He will make my feet like hinds feet, and He will make me to walk upon my high places. hab 3:17-19
2 comments:
i don't know what to write, but i read what you wrote. and i'll keep holding your hand, and we'll heal. and God will use all things for good, and somehow we'll see that. thanx for holding my hand. -K
My heart is with the mother as she goes through this time. I am so glad you could be there to give her your love and faith. Aunt Carol
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