but not me...cooking a meal-a-week to some people might be ridiculous to the point of well...not even resolvable but to me this is a big step...because normally if I have peanut butter, bread and apples why cook?...
but here I am, into week 3 and having cooked 3 hot meals that require some forethought, I am very satisfied with my goal. Small as it may be.
I am also semi-off sugar...this is to help with my never ending skin issues...seriously, the epidermis is a huge issue in my life.
other than that I have been doing statistics and feeling very out of my depth. In fact, at work the other day I started having heart palpitations just re-reading the info and trying to study. I was trying to ingest some of the logic of stats and instead almost fainted and got all nauseous and sick just from studying. Stats has become this huge mental burden. I was actually picturing carrying it on my back like this imaginary weight dragging me down to a pile of mud.
I went to Bible Study late the other evening and we all just sat around and chatted for about 2 hours...it was one of those community bonding moments...but even during the conversations and discussions all of a sudden i was overwhelmed with the thought that I am a 'know-it-all'...seriously even on things I know nothing about...apparently I have an opinion...parenting, marriage, engagements, school, careers, Jesus...I found myself speaking up quite frequently (and forcefully) with what I've noticed and seen (basically my 2 cents) then i felt even more awkward as I realized I was being a bit of a talk-a-holic...I wouldn't shut up...at this mental check I reigned in some of my word vomit but once again i was thoroughly chastizing myself for being a social flop...why can't I just listen and not say anything...I think my whole life i have always regretted opening my mouth in dialoguing social scenerios...who really cares what i think about anything...but I do it over and over again like a broken record...
anyway, so this is all to say, you have probably all silently berated the chatty kathy in bible study with waaaaaaay too many opinions for her own good and not even all the info (or experience) on the given situation being discussed...can I please say...have a little mercy...show her some grace...she probably realizes that she is a complete social anomaly but you can't rewind and delete real life...
you know in penelope...the pig nose...this is my pig nose...my complete lack of social queing...and so as penelope was taught to say, "You are not your nose, your nose is your great-grandfather's nose. You are not your nose, and your nose is not you." (something like that)
I am not my word vomit...my word vomit is a disease that I unfortunately succumb to once in a while (ok alot) but my word vomit is not me so i am not my word vomit...
4 comments:
ok, don't be so hard on yourself. you are not your word vomit...in fact i can't even think of any word vomit coming from your mouth! only you remember your word vomit. everyone else still thinks you're pretty darn cool!
also...way to go on the cooking a meal once a week thing! i'm quite proud of you! can i come over for dinner one day?
see last time it was me saying your thoughts. this time - you have done the job! i have opinions on EVERYTHING. and sometimes i despair because i seem to think i have the right to have them, to be "right" about them, and make sure everyone knows them. and so so often i wish i would have just shut my mouth and not said...
opinionated sisters unite! (even though we're gonna try and work on it, right)
Ha! I am finally reading your blog. I don't know, maybe this is something that I wasn't supposed to read...but now that I have, I just want to say a few things:
1)I have always loved having you in Bible study! I love that you talk! I love that you push. It just means that I'll push back. That's what's supposed to happen. Bible study wouldn't be a Bible study if no one said anything. It would be more like communal contemplation.
2)I'm pretty sure that everyone who knows you, loves you. People love being your friend. You're so much fun! Your words are not vomit-like.
3)All of that being said, I do understand the feeling of social awkwardness...very much, and I'm guessing that there are others...yes, even in Bible study...who do to, which means that we in no way judge you for it. Heck, we don't even notice because we're too busy thinking about how awkward we feel!
- Lexi
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