prescriptions

i wrote myself a prescription not to worry today.

freaking out

fact: girls attitudes and moods swings according to something we hygenically call a 'cycle'
true:sometimes it can be any random week and yet we still live on a cycle
honest:there really is a strange magnetic force out there making me this psycho
life:sometimes aggrivates this cycle
responsibility:to eat chocolate and coffee during any moment of the cycle of a girls life
fair:i think it's perfectly fair of me to freak out and blame everything on said cycle because after all we are the one's who have to birth the baby
reality:is that girls are far from passing the stable, calm and predictable test


what i see right now, a man taking his dying wife for her smokes every four hours and wiping the tears out of his eye's as he wheels her outside and watches her enjoy her last comfort. Wheeling her back to her room and putting her in bed and crying on his way home after spending time with her.

i think the kite runner is making me totally mellow and emotional about relationships I see right now. My grandpa celebrating Grandma's birthday without her, sleeping without her, making coffee without her, watching us pack up her things. The fact that life is so stinking mundane and then one day you wake up and realize you can pull a thread of your life together or have to watch it unravel, powerless. Or saying goodbye.
I think that whole part of life is awful, the goodbye part. Hearing the mother's talk about taking their kids to college in the next week and how these tough nurses are almost crying with all the goodbye's of letting go.
i hate goodbyes...

the kite runner

decided to read some of it lastnite before bed...3 and a half hours later I finish and stumble into the bathroom (the soundproof room, ya right) because I am crying uncontrollably, not just crying, I have turned into the wailing wall.
By the time I go to bed, I am a puddle.
girls are stupid. I am tired. Life is hard.

must pay rent

that is why I'm at work right now...bills, bills, bills....oh and I have to pay for a trip in september to singapore...pretty much that is the silver lining of this whole week...that sometime soon I will be traveling and seeing new places and people and no longer the telephone answering service for the hospital...
i'm at work when I could be with family crying...why am I at work...
must pay rent!

my grandma is in heaven.

I had just wrapped up an evening out with friends when my beautiful pregnant sister walked thru the door and I knew something was not right with my grandma. As we walked out the door to the car she told me that grandma was already gone. It didn't sink in, until we got to the hospital and one look at grandma and you knew she wasn't there anymore. No longer struggling for every breath, no longer in pain, gone.
I didn't cry until my grandpa welcomed me into the room. "Oh, Maria, I didn't know you had arrived; it's good of you to come." He then told me about Grandma's love for her grandchildren and how their devotions every morning consisted of praying for missionaries and grandchildren...they would trade off (being the fair minded man he is) but he said that Grandma always preferred praying for us grandkids.
I know that as grandkids you always wanted to be the 'favorite'. Not that grandma ever had a favorite but there were times when she would just praise certain kids to the sky-and we always wanted to be 'that' extrodinary' person that grandma was describing. You always wanted to live up to grandma's praise but also never minded if she went a bit overboard. After all you wanted to be in her good graces, which included receiving the much coveted daily light, the cinnamin buns with walnuts, the chocolate pie and knowing that everytime you would eat at her house she would always have canned corn (hey, I like corn) because she knew you liked it.
In the end though, we all knew that we were her most favorite people. And she never pittid us against eachother or told us to be more like a different grandchild. We just always knew that we were special in her eyes and felt like we were the favorite.
I once told her how undeserving I felt of such praise and allegience and she very seriously turned to me and told me that there was nothing I could ever do to lose her love. And as much as I don't think I would have faith in many to stand by such a powerful statement, I believed her. Because she is my grandma.
So after many tears, singing don't sit under the apple tree, praying for Grandpa and watching Grandma slowly fade, it's done. She is gone, but I will always have that little nudge from her to 'do it my own dumb way'...or... everyone is weird but me and thee and even thee, thee is a little weird... and many more wise words from Grandma

Stroke

My grandma had a stroke on wednesday. She has lost control of her left side. It is not sudden but at the smae time hard to comprehend and adjust too; mostly it's sad. All of a sudden I am remembering this matriarch who works so hard and keeps everyone together and now I know she has to take it easy and learn to relax. My sister says that that is the key word for most of us, relaxing, her son learned how to ride a bike by relaxing. And I am apparently supposed to learn this and life will unfold with surprising swiftness if I can only learn to relax. I can't help but think that my Grandma has made her life work quite well by not actually ever learning to relax. She has worked and suprised us all with her zest for life as she has aged and I can't help but feel that she has it in her to surprise us again. After all she is the matriarch and she knows that she is needed. So I say, do not go into that goodnite, fight, fight!!!!
I just wish I could get some time off to see her. Hopefully soon.
But right now I am at work, and the phone is ringing, I will just let them relax for a bit:)
kidding...

Death and Love

Yup, this week is summed up with two deaths on my shift at the hospital...one man was around the same age as my dad which made me want to go give my dad a big hug. It was just tough and I had to go to see my sis and just talk with her or explode...So anyway had a good chat with Andi and she is full of wisdom so I just need to listen to it.
Other than that I am happily enjoying a day off in a stretch of 15 on. It is nice:) I hung out a bit with Andi and the kids, paid a bill and am now updating family all over the world about whats going on and then I might go on a run later...that one is really pushing it though. I can only do so many planned things in a day...I don't know why but the more I plan the more I put off the plan...so running will probably get postponed indefinitely.
And as to the luv, read some good lines in Thomas Kempis today...about his paraphrasing Romans 13...some of the coolest were about Love seeing the danger or reality of loving but flaming higher...I think that love is some mushy romantic feeling not able to see; except through rose colored glasses. But in Thomas' view it is sturdy (manly) and sees the reality of the situation and presses on. It just made me think that if God sees me and flames higher:) I guess just learning to accept my worth thru God's eyes and learning to live in that reality rather than the mess that I feel looking to other people as I bumble thru my days...there is so much pressure to measure up, and keep your game face on, or meet with certain expectaions. Yup, those are all superficial lies and the truth of the matter is that God looks at us, in our messy complicated existence and simply burns brighter.
So I guess I just had devotions on my blog but really it helps me process the stuff in my head so I concider it therapy of the best kind...but mostly it's free.
I also went and had a visit with Ste, haven't done that in a while. It was sunset and I just rambled on about life and little things that have happened this summer and well, life. It's good to get some perspective and see that death isn't the end-even when someone dies that is too young or in such sad circumstances as I had this week at the hospital. Cause the truth of the matter is...is that love burns higher:)