as cute as barf...

tonight I am practising with my roomie for my other roomies wedding...we are singing, I luv you this big. Yup. American Idol, Scotty Mcreary...youtube it. The song is about the cutsiest, in-love, over the top song that pretty much makes me always think of Dallas and Jenny now...cause well, they are in-love...this big.

but to sing it has proved quite the challenge...for one,

we ain't country, we be findin our twang, we have to work that country...this big.

the other problem I have with it personally is I start singing the first line..."I know I'm still young" seriously. A 30 year old is singing that at a 21 yearr olds wedding and I just can't keep a straight face..."I know I'm still young" I can't practise without getting the giggles and then we have to have a 5 minute intermission before we can keep going with ...the rest of the song...this big.
oh, then my roomie pulls out a guitar and transposes the song so we can sing it without having to listen to the you tube version for the 100th time...all of a sudden, we decided, we (and by that I mean her, but I take some credit too cause I am, well, encouraging her while she figures out how to play the song) took a song and made it better...we are so good...this big.
now we just have to work out the kinks...oh but then we decided that we needed a spoken word version of this song...this big...basically, we rock...maybe we might even rap it...this big...

Jenny, Dallas, I just barfed alittle in my mouth...

What I have learnt from watching it's a wonderful life abijillion times...

so yeah, I over-reacted just slightly about orientation day...it was quite mundane. But still, I don't consider all those nerves a complete waste because truly, all those people who just tackle things as they come miss all that anticipation anxiety and everything just seems fine for them, just an ordinary day that they soon forget...while I know that disaster was averted and I can rejoice, that I survived to face another day.

Anyway, back to the title...I was watching the traditional Christmas fair this holiday season and all of a sudden It's a wonderful life became my favorite movie...I have seen it many times before, and the most important lesson I got out of it was that 'everytime a bell rings...' (I hope you know the rest but if you don't...this might make you watch it). Also I would give it token props cause my family loves it sooooo much but for me...give me a good cheesy Christmas musical and I am set...White Christmas usually...but no, all of a sudden I realized why It's a wonderful life is so great.

Because of George...he actually doesn't come off looking the greatest, his attitude tends towards martyrdom, he struggles with wanting so much more, but feeling like his life has already been mapped out for him, he's trapped, slightly frazzled and a bit of a workaholic he does have some good qualities though, he is capable, he is disciplined, and has a genuine empathy for those around him, and he doesn't care about money at all, even to the point of choosing an ambiguous financial future over security.
I guess I never got it till now. Because his life seemed so mundane...even to him...I kinda agreed with him, after watching it, George...why didn't you take the boat, sail away, have an adventure, do what YOU wanted to...

But after watching it this season, I realized that it takes a better person to stay, and finish someone elses dream, it takes alot more strength to say no to yourself, then simply think that your accountable to your own wishes and desires and not somehow connected to whats going on around you...that mundane, totally unidealistic reality...that you are a part of whether you like it or not.

truly I don't even want to contemplate where I am on the George scale...but he is pretty amazing, even though he could work on his attitude.

New fav line..."What are the three most wonderful sounds in the whole world?"
Uncle Billy, "Breakfast is served, lunch is served, dinner is served."

Fear

apparantly no one is supposed to feel it. It's not a big deal. Get over it. but still, I am afraid.

tomorrow I start another 10 weeks of 'it'. The real deal, being evaluated in a group of 5, always being watched, always being told what your doing wrong...and all you can do is man up...keep smiling, keep going, keep looking like a complete nut-job while your dressed up like a marshmellow.
I didn't think I would be this nervous, I had a great break, I got away from it all and literally put everything out of my mind. But now I am here, the night before, craving my mum's cooking and my Dad's pep talk...

tomorrow is probably going to be fine (it's orientation) but I am still paralyzed with this knowledge that I know what the next bit involves, and it's not pretty...and I always seem to get so mixed up in my head worrying about all the 'other' things rather than focusing on why I decided to do this degree in the first place...to help people...instead I am freaking out about which colour of pen i need to bring with me, where the policy manuals are on the floor, and if i will have to speak...I don't want to speak...words come out, and none of them sound good...if only the next 10 weeks were like a silent film...I could deal with the chaos better I think, if I didn't have to interpret it all at once to anyone who decides to interrogate me... with words, sentences, trying to make sense of it all....

I don't know why I am so unable to take things as they come, and think that each situation will be solvable, that I can tackle it moment by moment...I just see the whole mess of 10 weeks coming at me like a train with no brakes...it's rather terrifying. (And no, I don't think I am over-reacting at all by comparing school to impending death...)

So, tonight. I wait, afraid.

List

go on a swim with Dad...check

being taken care of by mum and dad...seeing mum and dad...being spoilt for 3 weeks...check

ride the MRT...check

walk to the beach a few times...check

sunburn...check

eat durian...check

buy sprinkles for andi, and coffee mugs too...check

eat Indian curry, prata, beryani...check.

make bagels, biscotti...check

go to Indonesia..eat Indo food, speak indo, stay in a hotel, jump on the bed, all you can eat breakfast...check

meeting Wendy's Eman...check.

eat Peking Duck...check

Chinatown...check

motorcycle ride...check.

Things I wasn't expecting were reading the biography on Bonhoeffer, watching Sherlock Holmes and War Horse, going to Kareoke and singing Taylor Swift, seeing the Logos and getting a tour, Christmas with the Kirkley's (long-time family friends), tea time with Uncle Soh and Anne, the AC quitting (in Singapore the AC NEVER quits!), singing in Indonesian at the Christmas service with the Indonesian maids in a kabaya (thanks mum:) meeting and being a part of a whole mission trip and spending 7 days trying to interpret Indonesian (which I can't even speak that well)...so on top of my favorite things I got a few surprises thrown in too...hurray holiday:) Oh and Fondue with Adam and Betina...Thank you mum and Dad for my very amazing and extravagant holiday...I luved every minute...loove:) if you ever want me to come again...anytime...'can, la'...:)

Dear Jack

When you said the second hardest thing in life is choosing where to eat, and the hardest thing in life was choosing what to eat, I did laugh and tease you about what you were going to do if you were to go on a date. But that conversation got me to thinking, and finally I wrote your appreciation note with that chat in mind. You, of course, caught my fumbling attempt to make you think about making a choice, a definitive, once for all choice. That one choice having been made, would then imply you would be stuck with whatever it is you chose. This made sense to me at the time, you see my whole life I have been taught I had to choose.
But once again i am thinking. Actually, I have been reading, reading about a man who would probably agree with you...a man who believed it wasn't so much about choice but about faith. And it is not so much about what he would choose to eat but more about eating what was prepared for him. His name is Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian.
I still think it's quite amazing that the entire Batam trip you never actually ordered a drink or meal for yourself but simply ordered what the person next to you was eating. So to take back what I said earlier, or rather wrote earlier...(I love taking back what I say...it's a gift of mine to say things I am not quite sure of, then take them all back...since i said them, I can right:) I think your philosophy on life is quite true, trusting a friends choice in food is the best kind of friendship. And maybe it's not so much about the food as about who you are eating with to begin with.

As to free thinking, and being a free-thinker...just think of me as a bit of a bossy older sister when I say these things to you, I don't know why but you are someone whom I have started worrying over, I didn't choose to, really, it happened as I got to know you a bit...anyway, this one might get a bit muddied since I am not quite sure what you mean by a free-thinker...is it simply open-mindedness?...but here are some of my thoughts...freedom in our thoughts, to think anything we want is quite fun, to allow our imaginations to fly away, to be creative, to have that kind of freedom is wonderful. Freedom from our thoughts, if the freedom you are talking about is to be free from our perspective of the world, to be exonerated from living with integrity between what we believe and how we act...I believe that sort of freedom can lead to craziness...our bodies hold our physical presence in one place, and so too, I think our free thinking, is hemmed in by how we work it out in our lives...I am not sure if I said any of this clearly...but i did want to write something down, even if it comes out silly and I take it all back later...:)...I don't pretend to be any sort of expert on anything...but I did want you to know, It was lovely chatting with you...Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year...

my role

today is our christmas dinner...I decided to take the day off...and didn't even use my nose to smell...mum has been slaving away on turkey dinner all day and I basically...um...did the usual...I slept. Well, actually I went for a walk and exercise this morning with dad and as we were coming home he kept saying we had done a good walk and wasn't it nice to accomplish something so early in the day. I hummed my agreement and went back to bed...then mum and dad's friends took us for a Peking Duck feast...I feasted...then I came back home and went to bed...again. Mum had sweet potatoes, punkin pie, jello, turkey going all afternoon...I slept. I woke up briefly and asked for coffee...it magically appeared. Then the potatoes burnt...poor mum, she has no proper kitchen so she has been cooking a turkey dinner on two floor and running three flights of stairs all day...and I didn't even use my nose to help with the potatoes...our guests had an open bottle of wine in the kitchen...in order to make amends for my behaviour all day...I grabbed a glass, poured in a generous amount...and offered it to mum...she had just scraped out the potatoes of the pot and was not in a very happy mood...she accepted my apology...and from then on I followed her around with a glass and 'helped'...she cut the turkey, I held the glass to her mouth...here mum...sometimes when none of the capable sisters are around I have to think of creative ways to offer my help...cause I ain't no cook...anyway...poor mum, poor potatoes...I need to go now...work is calling...mum, mum, I'm coming:)

And God bless us ...everyone.

In a great big world, full of people, one can feel very little. As time passes, and responsibility increases one can feel very old. When there is so much going on around you, so much and only one you, one can feel very overwhelmed. And when everything else is moving but you are standing still, one can feel forgotten.
That's why I like Christmas, because Christmas that I know, everything slows down and as much as you soak in the present, you also step back in time, and enjoy all that has been. It is a magical moment, and the best part is you don't have to go anywhere...everyone just sits down:) You say the same words that you have said your whole life. You do the same things you have always done...tradition. Christmas is...
a little bundle...an eternal hope...a Savior and the promise never gets old. It never looses it's power to make me a believer...on that note...God bless us...God bless us...everyone.