orthodoxy

How many?

2012-02-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

How many of your Dad's co-workers ask you what you want for your dad? How many people ask you what you want for your dearest people for that matter? How many people are concerned with not just getting to retirement but how you do once your there, and what your going to look back on...

My dad constantly apologizes for the things he hasn't or can't give me...but it's what he has given me that I want to write about.What I learned to appreciate about him...is his vision. I get to watch, understand his journey through life as an adult, dreams and visions and goals he has...he communicates so well, and wants me to know how he is doing...he may not evangelize the taxi drivers, but he does evangelize me, just by the way he lives... I know I have needed it.

then there is that other thing... because he is my father and I am like him, well...I worry...he worries, i worry...usually it's about everything, sometimes for me...about him...

So the other day, I was talking about ministry (my Dad's) worrying for him and wondering if he was worrying about his ministry too...wondering if he is happy, wondering if he is fulfilled...and then his coworker, and friend...asked me what do i want for Pap's...and I realized I don't actually want my Dad to just ease through the next few years, or carefully transition through ministies...Da, I just want you to love where you are, to see the potential and also bleed through the mundane...I want you to get so caught up in what your doing that it's hard to leave, I want you to leave it all on the feild...and then...whenever it's done...you can wonder in your funny way, how it ever happened to you in the first place...

Mostly I was touched by your friends care for you, and then I just thought I should blob to you:) thank-you for the more...I want that for you too...

my roomies

2012-02-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

I told them I would blog right now...as we speak...this is my life...when all of us are home, it's supper time, and we aren't sequestered in our rooms with homework, fiances, or youtube...

"Was the timer on?" s                  As she is boiling her supper on the stove...
"yes....why?' j                            sitting at the table and looking up from texting her fiance
"I just turned it off, sorry, sorry, sorry," s                     super apologetic and moving very fast
"It was at like 5 minutes, I can reset it for 5 minutes..."s             resetting the timer
"thanks"j                           still texting...
"ahhhhhhhhhhhh...I am making yam fries..." j                 pretending to be annoyed, but still texting...
"Your making yam fries?" s           slightly awed by the inspired dinner choice of fellow roomie
"I luv you this big...banana, bananananana..." s happily vocal and preparing her own supper...
"Say something Jenny." me...for a moment things were quiet so I had to make cnversation...
"Why? don't blog me, you can't steal the words out of my mouth..."J still texting but quite witty at the same time...
"Oh that's family milk..."J...she moved over to the fridge to announce this to s who did not know that we (m and j) thought we (me s and j) should share milk now, since we all drink the same kind...saves $...
"Then this can be family juice, help yourself." s always excited about saving money and loves to share
"Thanks..."j   back to texting
"I luv you this big." s still quite happy, singing
"this big." s echo...
"I know, I know," m J comes over to see that I actually am blogging our entire conversation and is stunned...
"Your funny." j impressed with my skills:) (actually I think she just said it to make me happy)
"You really are blogging everything we say...ahhhh, Maria is the most amazing roomie, and so is Jenny and Stefanie, they are all amazing..."s totally getting into this blog...realizing that i am making her famous by repeating her verbatim....
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep the timer dings, Jenny gets her fries in the oven...fiance calls,,,,this conversation is no longer public domain....

"this is not a democratic blog, you need to blog that." s she just wants you all to know that this might be more fiction than fact...or maybe only my facts...which maybe an edited version of what actually happened and slightly misconstrue reality....

I am actually super nervous about clinical tomorrow...always get a bit anxious...and when I am nervous...I blob...

as cute as barf...

2012-01-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

tonight I am practising with my roomie for my other roomies wedding...we are singing, I luv you this big. Yup. American Idol, Scotty Mcreary...youtube it. The song is about the cutsiest, in-love, over the top song that pretty much makes me always think of Dallas and Jenny now...cause well, they are in-love...this big.

but to sing it has proved quite the challenge...for one,

we ain't country, we be findin our twang, we have to work that country...this big.

the other problem I have with it personally is I start singing the first line..."I know I'm still young" seriously. A 30 year old is singing that at a 21 yearr olds wedding and I just can't keep a straight face..."I know I'm still young" I can't practise without getting the giggles and then we have to have a 5 minute intermission before we can keep going with ...the rest of the song...this big.
oh, then my roomie pulls out a guitar and transposes the song so we can sing it without having to listen to the you tube version for the 100th time...all of a sudden, we decided, we (and by that I mean her, but I take some credit too cause I am, well, encouraging her while she figures out how to play the song) took a song and made it better...we are so good...this big.
now we just have to work out the kinks...oh but then we decided that we needed a spoken word version of this song...this big...basically, we rock...maybe we might even rap it...this big...

Jenny, Dallas, I just barfed alittle in my mouth...

What I have learnt from watching it's a wonderful life abijillion times...

2012-01-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

so yeah, I over-reacted just slightly about orientation day...it was quite mundane. But still, I don't consider all those nerves a complete waste because truly, all those people who just tackle things as they come miss all that anticipation anxiety and everything just seems fine for them, just an ordinary day that they soon forget...while I know that disaster was averted and I can rejoice, that I survived to face another day.

Anyway, back to the title...I was watching the traditional Christmas fair this holiday season and all of a sudden It's a wonderful life became my favorite movie...I have seen it many times before, and the most important lesson I got out of it was that 'everytime a bell rings...' (I hope you know the rest but if you don't...this might make you watch it). Also I would give it token props cause my family loves it sooooo much but for me...give me a good cheesy Christmas musical and I am set...White Christmas usually...but no, all of a sudden I realized why It's a wonderful life is so great.

Because of George...he actually doesn't come off looking the greatest, his attitude tends towards martyrdom, he struggles with wanting so much more, but feeling like his life has already been mapped out for him, he's trapped, slightly frazzled and a bit of a workaholic he does have some good qualities though, he is capable, he is disciplined, and has a genuine empathy for those around him, and he doesn't care about money at all, even to the point of choosing an ambiguous financial future over security.
I guess I never got it till now. Because his life seemed so mundane...even to him...I kinda agreed with him, after watching it, George...why didn't you take the boat, sail away, have an adventure, do what YOU wanted to...

But after watching it this season, I realized that it takes a better person to stay, and finish someone elses dream, it takes alot more strength to say no to yourself, then simply think that your accountable to your own wishes and desires and not somehow connected to whats going on around you...that mundane, totally unidealistic reality...that you are a part of whether you like it or not.

truly I don't even want to contemplate where I am on the George scale...but he is pretty amazing, even though he could work on his attitude.

New fav line..."What are the three most wonderful sounds in the whole world?"
Uncle Billy, "Breakfast is served, lunch is served, dinner is served."

Fear

2012-01-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

apparantly no one is supposed to feel it. It's not a big deal. Get over it. but still, I am afraid.

tomorrow I start another 10 weeks of 'it'. The real deal, being evaluated in a group of 5, always being watched, always being told what your doing wrong...and all you can do is man up...keep smiling, keep going, keep looking like a complete nut-job while your dressed up like a marshmellow.
I didn't think I would be this nervous, I had a great break, I got away from it all and literally put everything out of my mind. But now I am here, the night before, craving my mum's cooking and my Dad's pep talk...

tomorrow is probably going to be fine (it's orientation) but I am still paralyzed with this knowledge that I know what the next bit involves, and it's not pretty...and I always seem to get so mixed up in my head worrying about all the 'other' things rather than focusing on why I decided to do this degree in the first place...to help people...instead I am freaking out about which colour of pen i need to bring with me, where the policy manuals are on the floor, and if i will have to speak...I don't want to speak...words come out, and none of them sound good...if only the next 10 weeks were like a silent film...I could deal with the chaos better I think, if I didn't have to interpret it all at once to anyone who decides to interrogate me... with words, sentences, trying to make sense of it all....

I don't know why I am so unable to take things as they come, and think that each situation will be solvable, that I can tackle it moment by moment...I just see the whole mess of 10 weeks coming at me like a train with no brakes...it's rather terrifying. (And no, I don't think I am over-reacting at all by comparing school to impending death...)

So, tonight. I wait, afraid.

List

2012-01-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

go on a swim with Dad...check

being taken care of by mum and dad...seeing mum and dad...being spoilt for 3 weeks...check

ride the MRT...check

walk to the beach a few times...check

sunburn...check

eat durian...check

buy sprinkles for andi, and coffee mugs too...check

eat Indian curry, prata, beryani...check.

make bagels, biscotti...check

go to Indonesia..eat Indo food, speak indo, stay in a hotel, jump on the bed, all you can eat breakfast...check

meeting Wendy's Eman...check.

eat Peking Duck...check

Chinatown...check

motorcycle ride...check.

Things I wasn't expecting were reading the biography on Bonhoeffer, watching Sherlock Holmes and War Horse, going to Kareoke and singing Taylor Swift, seeing the Logos and getting a tour, Christmas with the Kirkley's (long-time family friends), tea time with Uncle Soh and Anne, the AC quitting (in Singapore the AC NEVER quits!), singing in Indonesian at the Christmas service with the Indonesian maids in a kabaya (thanks mum:) meeting and being a part of a whole mission trip and spending 7 days trying to interpret Indonesian (which I can't even speak that well)...so on top of my favorite things I got a few surprises thrown in too...hurray holiday:) Oh and Fondue with Adam and Betina...Thank you mum and Dad for my very amazing and extravagant holiday...I luved every minute...loove:) if you ever want me to come again...anytime...'can, la'...:)

Dear Jack

2011-12-31T01:16:00.000-08:00

When you said the second hardest thing in life is choosing where to eat, and the hardest thing in life was choosing what to eat, I did laugh and tease you about what you were going to do if you were to go on a date. But that conversation got me to thinking, and finally I wrote your appreciation note with that chat in mind. You, of course, caught my fumbling attempt to make you think about making a choice, a definitive, once for all choice. That one choice having been made, would then imply you would be stuck with whatever it is you chose. This made sense to me at the time, you see my whole life I have been taught I had to choose.
But once again i am thinking. Actually, I have been reading, reading about a man who would probably agree with you...a man who believed it wasn't so much about choice but about faith. And it is not so much about what he would choose to eat but more about eating what was prepared for him. His name is Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian.
I still think it's quite amazing that the entire Batam trip you never actually ordered a drink or meal for yourself but simply ordered what the person next to you was eating. So to take back what I said earlier, or rather wrote earlier...(I love taking back what I say...it's a gift of mine to say things I am not quite sure of, then take them all back...since i said them, I can right:) I think your philosophy on life is quite true, trusting a friends choice in food is the best kind of friendship. And maybe it's not so much about the food as about who you are eating with to begin with.

As to free thinking, and being a free-thinker...just think of me as a bit of a bossy older sister when I say these things to you, I don't know why but you are someone whom I have started worrying over, I didn't choose to, really, it happened as I got to know you a bit...anyway, this one might get a bit muddied since I am not quite sure what you mean by a free-thinker...is it simply open-mindedness?...but here are some of my thoughts...freedom in our thoughts, to think anything we want is quite fun, to allow our imaginations to fly away, to be creative, to have that kind of freedom is wonderful. Freedom from our thoughts, if the freedom you are talking about is to be free from our perspective of the world, to be exonerated from living with integrity between what we believe and how we act...I believe that sort of freedom can lead to craziness...our bodies hold our physical presence in one place, and so too, I think our free thinking, is hemmed in by how we work it out in our lives...I am not sure if I said any of this clearly...but i did want to write something down, even if it comes out silly and I take it all back later...:)...I don't pretend to be any sort of expert on anything...but I did want you to know, It was lovely chatting with you...Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year...

my role

2011-12-26T03:38:00.000-08:00

today is our christmas dinner...I decided to take the day off...and didn't even use my nose to smell...mum has been slaving away on turkey dinner all day and I basically...um...did the usual...I slept. Well, actually I went for a walk and exercise this morning with dad and as we were coming home he kept saying we had done a good walk and wasn't it nice to accomplish something so early in the day. I hummed my agreement and went back to bed...then mum and dad's friends took us for a Peking Duck feast...I feasted...then I came back home and went to bed...again. Mum had sweet potatoes, punkin pie, jello, turkey going all afternoon...I slept. I woke up briefly and asked for coffee...it magically appeared. Then the potatoes burnt...poor mum, she has no proper kitchen so she has been cooking a turkey dinner on two floor and running three flights of stairs all day...and I didn't even use my nose to help with the potatoes...our guests had an open bottle of wine in the kitchen...in order to make amends for my behaviour all day...I grabbed a glass, poured in a generous amount...and offered it to mum...she had just scraped out the potatoes of the pot and was not in a very happy mood...she accepted my apology...and from then on I followed her around with a glass and 'helped'...she cut the turkey, I held the glass to her mouth...here mum...sometimes when none of the capable sisters are around I have to think of creative ways to offer my help...cause I ain't no cook...anyway...poor mum, poor potatoes...I need to go now...work is calling...mum, mum, I'm coming:)

And God bless us ...everyone.

2011-12-25T02:27:00.000-08:00

In a great big world, full of people, one can feel very little. As time passes, and responsibility increases one can feel very old. When there is so much going on around you, so much and only one you, one can feel very overwhelmed. And when everything else is moving but you are standing still, one can feel forgotten.
That's why I like Christmas, because Christmas that I know, everything slows down and as much as you soak in the present, you also step back in time, and enjoy all that has been. It is a magical moment, and the best part is you don't have to go anywhere...everyone just sits down:) You say the same words that you have said your whole life. You do the same things you have always done...tradition. Christmas is...
a little bundle...an eternal hope...a Savior and the promise never gets old. It never looses it's power to make me a believer...on that note...God bless us...God bless us...everyone.

How many Asian young men can sleep lengthwise in a double bed?

2011-12-22T06:02:00.000-08:00

Camp. The most luxurious camp I ever went to, happened. You missed it. It was a master plan by the leaders and students all forming a leadership team, everyone had there part, everyone had to toe some sort of line and far be it from them to step out:) And everyone was held accountable at debrief...after debrief, after debrief...
it was a little like a nursing care plan (LInds only you can share in this feeling:)
Everything ran according to schedule, but it wasn't that, that made me so astonished. I have seen schedules work before...but here, everyone worked the schedule together, we rehashed it so many times how could one not know what to do... to see everyone on the same page and just 'do' the schedule made me realize why some people love organization so much. When you do it well, people understand their roles and feel comfortable. Sharing leadership also worked out well too. No one dropped the ball...it was kinda scary. Some of the kids were 15...I could be their mother...but I am still in university...they thought that was a bit weird, but so do I, get in line folks.
Anyway, the day before camp ended there was a soccer match between all leadership groups, those from I and S and then the slum kids as well. Soccer is a violent sport, 1 hour after play started there were two head injuries and dubious wrist injury and several scrapped knees and shins. Hello people we are Christians!!!!!!
I just finished my unit on brain injuries and increased intracranial pressure...headache and nausea that won't subside...not so good...not able to focus eyes...really not good...throwing up...ahhhhhh I was like, we should get these kids checked out by a Doctor...apparently in some counties the Doctors don't actually show up to the hospital...they looked at me funny for mentioning a hospital visit...so one boy who was from my team from S got to go on a ferry and get his head checked that evening...but the slum boy who was throwing up slept at the church that night...he was cared for by the church we partnered with and I just couldn't help but think that life isn't fair. I think he suffered through and hopefully just had a very bad concussion. But the fact that he couldn't go for help made me so sad.
I did what I could...I took their pain level, "Now then, between 1 and 10 with 10 being high and 1 being no pain, what is your pain level now?"...what a joke:) but it helped me know how they were handling. Every 15 minutes I was doing a pupil check. "Look into my eyes!" All in all I did nothing but I was there and although inside I was thinking, "How do I wrap a wrist? I don't remember how to wrap a wrist. What if it swells after I wrap it? What am I going to do? No one asked me to write a nursing care plan where I couldn't refer them to a Dr.? What is this? Where is the wrist? what should it look like? How do I wrap a wrist?"
Outwardly I think I said something about stabilizing the wrist...eventually someone else said sling and soon she was all wrapped up like a wee little present. At the end of the day it wasn't me who did anything but I had fun, (yeah I know I am a sick sick person) all I could think about was a girl crying silent tears saying, "I don't want to go home yet, I don't want to go home yet." She was sent home to discover that she had a hairline fracture. Merry Christmas...will be all over her cast.
And now it's over, I will miss all the late night meetings, the bright cheerful faces, the food, singing, the organization:) but I am happy to have some chill time, I am very tired and have a man voice from a cold I caught in I. not only do I look like justin beiber I sound like him too:)
Merry Christmas ALL,
PS the answer is a very comfortable 4...seriously everything is smaller here, I am like a giant...

is this my life?

2011-12-17T06:15:00.000-08:00

I live in a church...

I am on a mission trip...with high school and early college age kids...

I have devotions, reflections, quiet time, worship at least twice a day...

I find that when I am visiting my parents I am always amazed with just how much church one can do. I mean church can encompass someone's whole life. You can go to church all day long. You can be with the same people all day long...it is like going to the Stepford cul-de-sac except Christian.
I like it. Everyone spontaneously starts singing, people pray all day...you can say Bible and people know what your talking about. It's pretty incredible...anyway, this is just so not my life...

overweight

2011-12-08T11:34:00.001-08:00

i am leaving in 3 days...I am leaving...in three days...I am leaving...
Pa, remember how I joked that I didn't have any room in my suitcase for clothes so i would just wear my bikini the whole time I am visiting and you didn't laugh...well, it might not actually be that funny after all...it might come true...
Today my doorbell got rung off the hook...package, package, package...and one of them...the delivery guy wouldn't let me take, he carried it in cause he thought it was too heavy for me...I cried alittle as he hefted into the house...thinking about me, staying with you guys in your apartment connected to the church...in my bikini...all of a sudden my joke was not so funny...
yesterday I was worried that the packages wouldn't arrive and I would let my niece and nephew down and that my sister would loose respect for me, I would loose my status as favorite single aunt...all of these thoughts running thru my head and then this morning the package arrived...and then just a bikini was running around in my head...

sadly I am taking an exam tomorrow...a very scary one...I should be thinking about renal failure, hepatomegaly, nursing managment for hypertension...instead I am getting hypertension, from thinking about packing my luggage, and how much I'll have in overweight.

30 flirty and not 13 anymore

2011-12-05T14:55:00.001-08:00

whew I am 30...so happy to be here...the 20's took forever...and now, I am 30:)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have gotten birthdayed left right and central...it all started off with a visit from Armstrongs, then an evening with Linds (which has become sort of a tradition...a much luved one for me) then a visit from the Bonney's and now roommate night...

I am not good at big parties, and center of attention things...despite the fact I have a blob and am constantly blobbing about...me...really I am just narcissistic and not gregarious and outgoing at all...which I am not sure is such a positive thing...but we all have our issues now don't we...

so for my birthday, many small one on one things got planned and I have felt very loved and celebrated. I am so blessed. I think maybe cause 29 was such a rough year, 30 has seemed so good. I am just so done with 29. On to something new, and well 30 comes after 29 so bring it. And while I didn't change overnite...life didn't become a fairytale with an A ending on any of my exams...so far:) I still have this really weird and uncharacteristically optimistic regard for 30....I am not usually excited about the unknown...the untried...but somehow, I just know that if I could scrape thru 29...then I can definitely do 30...

thank you parents for having me, thank-you God for planning me, thank you family for supporting me, thank-you friends for accepting me, thank-you to everyone who has taken me on...I am a very blessed 30.

And how's your health?

2011-11-30T10:51:00.001-08:00

Dear mum and dad,
thank-you for wanting me to come visit you for Christmas. I am super excited. I have been thinking tho, it's been a while since you have seen me and well, I am a student nurse, abit of a hypervigilant one...you could have picked one of my other sisters and had fun with loads of children...taking their many children on the subway, reminding them not to touch things, not to walk away from you, hold your hand excetera...now you will have just me...and you might find yourself overwhelmed in otherways...

I might have to get a pair of subway pants, so I don't get germs...I will put them on before I enter the subway and then take them off when I get off the subway...germs are everywhere...

I might want to wear gloves when touching people...

I might stare at people for prolonged periods of time...why you may ask...I am counting their breaths...just to make sure they are still alive...this could make people feel awkward on the subway...this could make you (the parentals) feel awkward...I might freak out when someone is sleeping, and have to check their pulse and pupils...because, they could be suffering from increased intercranial pressure, or dead.

If you introduce me to your friends I might start conversation by asking, "So, when was your latest bowel movement?" if they actually reply I might continue with..."what did it look like?" "Was it normal for you?"

this could potentially cause problems in your social circle...I hope you know what your in for...maybe you should warn your friends before meeting me...

I for one am super pumped to take all my new found knowledge on a trip to new people and places...they might not be ready for me...but here I come...

I think I am going to pick up a pair of matching subway pants for you me and dad....just to be safe...k...see you soon!

Luke the physician

2011-11-23T17:34:00.001-08:00

lately I have been obsessed with the book of Luke...written by Dr...did you know the very first miracle recorded in Luke is not about sickness, or the wine incident for that matter:) it's about demon possession...
I thought that was interesting...cause I feel like Luke really likes to relate people's stories...Like Simeon and Anna meeting baby Jesus...and Mary pondering, and Elizabeth beind righteous...so far i am only at chapter 5...but I like it...I think Luke likes to get a view of how people think...and thats why his very first miracle to talk about is demon possession...not physical illness

i like Luke...Dr. Luke:) (Kath that was for you)

Pilates and Panties

2011-11-20T20:01:00.001-08:00

this fall we have been doing pilates as a household...quite the commitment since we have opposite schedules...but we found this crazy girl who posts her pilates on u tube and we are hooked...she is actually pretty incredible...pop-pilates...short and sweet...you can do two or three of her video's and then call it a day...and some of the moves I still can't quite do but when us three roomies get together in the evenings to do pilates on our livingroom floor there is much mirth and shreaking as we try and pop-pilates ourselves to better health...also I found out my roomate hates the word panties...so now, randomly I go around saying...panties panties panties...just to make sure she knows, I know, about panties.
Tonight I skipped pilates to study cause I have a massive test tomorrow...pretty much I am terrified I will not pass this test so I am trying to study as much as I can...unfortunately I am still feeling quite overwhemed by the material...but it made me happy to hear the groans and laughter from downstairs as they worked their way through another segment of pilates while I studied...now I am going to go downstairs and say panties panties panties while I walk past them to get another cuppa tea...

panties panties panties

unka flew...

2011-11-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

When Ry was putting up all those pictures of old slides on facebook of the 'good old day's...I got caught up in one of you wearing plaid pants...looking so young...super shy...and thought about how amazing that boy turned out...your such an inspiration and example to me. I hope you know your one of my hero's...I can't be there to hug you right now...so am sending my love and prayers and hugs the only way I know how...my little blob shout out...I luv you unka flew...

you will always be

tuna sandwiches

mayonnaise please

don't forget the pickles!

french vanilla coffee

watching biography

at one time, however

you, a young man wearing plaid pants

with longish hair,

hanging over the collar

shy eyes and a smile

that's who you were

in pictures I've seen

but to me

you will always be

a loving father

giving a goodnite kiss

to a teenage boy, who

wore red coloured eye contacts

had black nail polish on

just a reminder you were there

if he wanted to talk about it

a husband of many years

building crafts for the

Christmas bake sale

after work for 2 weeks straight

only to give all credit away

"She is the most amazing woman."

you would say,

you can charm anyone

in your gentle way

make strangers smile

even the grocery store cashier

who is having a bad day

you bring the news

in pictures everynite at 5

even traveling to Africa

and bringing it back

I saw a continent

captured through your eye's

the care you show me

even as I moved away

your attentiveness

kind remembrances

brought back the best of days

this is the portrait that I see

this is what you will always be

1981

2011-11-13T20:27:00.001-08:00

what is up with that year already...what happened to 1981? or maybe what happened after that made us this way...I am just going to throw it out there...I think 1981 is a bit of a train wreck...I have come to this conclusion tho...after much thought...it's not me...it's 1981. Done.

perfection is...

2011-11-11T10:57:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I want to stop my search for the perfect, the ideal, the unknowable, unreachable goal...that thing that hangs just out of reach that I always wanted, that made me want to grow up, but has confused me ever since...someone wise said that God put eternity in our hearts, but sometimes I want to forget that such a thing exists...eternity...I picture it as a little island...or destination...and that if i find it (in this lifetime) I won't have to travel anymore. So often I've felt so very close, but only realize in the next instant that life is far from perfect, and the mystery of life is so much more than I can ever understand, and eternity, well that's just crazy. I considered this journey to be my lifelong duty, my calling, which in it's daily monotony (life) unfortuantely became like a fulltime job, somedays are terribly routine with no particular purpose, sometimes I want a mental vacation. Most people don't actually want a vacation from their thought-life routine, only their work routine...but since my life is sometimes what I would consider mentally laborious...I take over-analyzing to a whole new level, I think...it's alot of work...
Work. In healthcare we watch people breathe; especially those who have an increased 'work of breathing'; when someone is using excessive energy to maintain their airway and get oxygen/carbon dioxide exchange in the lungs. Breathing becomes something that requires all their attention and energy, they become anxious, can't speak properly...their life is work. Just as I think people can physically become burdened with the work of trying to live, and want a vacation from it. I think I can scare myself by wanting a mental vacation from thinking about eternity...I just want to get a new version for awhile...start over...do things differently...see a different perspective...would i still get to this place...where life seems like such hard work, like I am watching myself painfully breathe.
Life. Popular ideology would have us believe we are empowered people. It is our work to become the creater of our own lives, the sole shapers of our future...it can sound like...what do you want to be when you grow up? What are you going to make of yourself? Go for it! (you) Make all your dreams come true. But thats actually when I stop looking for that island. I forget eternity. I forget life is a journey. And when life doesn't work out...it so quickly turns into..."Hey, they must be a real looser, an empty dreamer, a failure." And what was 'the plan' or purpose and fulfillment, is all just a whole lot of extra work, left barely able to focus on anything else. All that anyone else sees is someone who is getting nowhere though working so very very hard.
Eternity. People don't say that word anymore, we say, "Life-long guarantee". We say, "10 year warrantee". We say, "Hedge your bets, don't take risks, make a five year plan." But we don't say, "Eternity". It's as if that small little reminder, that started me on this trip, becomes obsolete as I see so many more pressing, more immediate milestones of life. But no, Eternity hasn't changed. Eternity is still unknown, untried, missunderstood. I still have not arrived, I am still traveling...

Sometimes I only get this far, I think, I contemplate, I try, I almost come to some sort of conclusion and then I stop. It's frustrating, but then, sometimes, here is where I come back to the beginning of where i started, that there is so much more to life than just validating myself. Here is where I feel like that little island...is somehow the key...and all this work, this restless heart...will find it's rest in something beyond myself...I think Augustine said that his heart was restless too. Where can I find strength to watch someone work just to breathe? Where can I finally lay this mental burden down...eternity. It is where life is more than just working to make something of myself. Thats no answer, it doesn't resolve a whole lot but thats enough for now. I'll get back in that ship and keep sailing...I'll keep thinking:) (and thinking and thinking)...to find something that I can't even understand that someone else put inside of me...eternity

A Father figure

2011-11-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

November 4 came and went, the whole day I kept telling myself, it's somebodies birthday today, but as I went thru the day...for the life of me I couldn't remember whose...as I went to the hospital at 6am I thought...it's the fourth and my family has a thing for being born on the fourth, 'today seems like one of those fourths'...as I was helping my patients with their medicine, 'who is it?'..."whose fourth is it today?"...no answer came to me...after work i came home exhausted...and then got ready to go out to a wedding social but I was still wondering who's birthday it was...(in winnipeg people have wedding socials, it's like a fundraiser (prizes, draws, tickets) party where everyone gets invited to raise money for the bride and groom but also it's a party (dancing and food) so anyone can come)...this was my first winnipeg social...the dance floor was almost pitch dark, so i felt very comfortable dancing...no one could see much...and then when good dancers came and started dancing really well I just watched them thinking, I wish I could do that, and I was also thinking i wished I knew whose birthday it is today...then, at the end of the social it was announced that it was alot of peoples birthday that day...the fourth...so we all sang happy birthday...instead of saying the list if names of people whose birthday it was at the party...I sang...'to everyone' when that part came thinking, "I know it's someone in my families birthday today...this will count as me singing to them"...

so grandpa, at about midnite on the fourth of november, in the middle of a crowded dance floor I sang happy birthday to you...happy 87 years of being the Enns' favorite 'pinch guy'

I love you my most

to be good

2011-11-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

a very long time ago, when I was much more wide-eyed and wonderstruck by life, when i still had big dreams, when I could do anything...yes, back there, in childhood...I skipped over an important lesson wanting to get to the adventure of adulthood. I guess I thought little children should dream of doing great things, and being passionate people, changing the world, so missed a whole section on a little something called good.
I think the lesson itself was called, "How to be good". I wouldn't actually know the title of the lesson since I didn't learn it, have no notes on it and certainly failed the test. You may wonder how I actually got to the point where I knew I was missing something, if I am so oblivious to it, well... Sometimes when i watch my friends live, I wonder to myself, why did they do that? Where did that come from? Sometimes I get flashes of inspiration from the tone in their voice, or when they do something that doesn't really even compute I just watch them and think (flash, flash, flash...) I should know this...but I don't. All those flashes die away like a firework as i contemplate what in the world just happened. I think because I get so caught up in inspiration and bright lights in general I find the smaller, finer details of life, like goodness alittle, well, mundane.
The definition of good (according to a random website I googled) used as an adjective is, that which is desired or approved of, as a noun, what is morally right...You will hear people say they want good health, a good doctor, a good deal, or that a good pair of jeans is essential to life. I always thought they were using good in reference to something else all together. I always thought they just wanted a doctor, a deal or a pair of jeans...but if what they desired was goodness, then owning a pair of jeans isn't enough, it's whether or not you can rock those jeans that matters:) And what about people, some people believe the world is full of good people. Other's believe that the world is just too full:) And still others believe that the world is full of people who can be good...ummm, this would imply that they originally are not, that goodness is something to be found outside of simply existing. It is here where I am stuck, out in the cold as it were, bemoaning the fact that some people could very well be good, but I am certain not one of them. Ironically, often when people ask me if I am okay, I always reply, "I'm good." which once again proves the fact that I have no idea what good actually means since I don't even use the word properly...and I shouldn't be writing about something I know nothing about, and use incorrectly...but this blob is a journey...as I stumble along my adult life which, shockingly, isn't quite what I expected as a child i keep running into it. The good. That small word that comes before so many others...I think, forgetting about goodness, impacted how I viewed life. Life became an accumulations of goals, things, a pile of rubbish. I swallowed the lie that everyone just wants a life, no one wants to look unattractive or undesirable, get a life! The excuss for not doing so many things is, "I have a life." but now I wonder, is it any good? Which brings me back to this lesson I am starting to learn. "How to be good." I am on unit one, wondering why God saw all that He had made, and said, "It is very good."

fact: sometimes when I am too happy I am so annoying even I am annoyed at me

2011-10-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today.
Today was a good day. I didn't cry once-which is pretty new for this semester since I have been crying almost everyday. School is hard and I have an old brain that is finding it impossible to retain information...anyway today was a good day but it didn't start out the best... I didn't go to church today. Sorry mam and papa...it sort of happened by accident...let me explain...
I decided to wake up at 7am this morning to rake the lawn (it seemed like a good idea at the time), and when 7am came and my alarm went off...it was still dark outside so I decided raking leaves was a dumb idea for 7 in the morning on sunday (which most people would have come to alot sooner than I did...but sometimes I think me not thinking it's dumb is quite clever of me...and then I feel so proud of myself until I realize that actually everyone else really is right, and I am dumb-probably shouldn't have shared that on the world wide web...)...so I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep...just for a few minutes...then it was 10am...magically, just like that. Since I was going to the R's for lunch I decided I didn't need to start getting ready for another hour...and I rolled over and slept in some more...finally I got up.
I decided to try and look like i had gone to church so I put make-up on, then some more, more more and finally by the time i got the text that Linds and Andrew were coming to pick me up I had so much make-up on my face looked like I had war paint on. I don't need to dress up for halloween people-just give me too much time with my make-up bag and I am trick or treat worthy. The way I decided to deal with my overpainted face, was not to look at any mirrors while I was at their house...so i didn't even use the bathroom while I was there...because my face scared me a bit...I had a great time at their house...food was amazing...and of course I get to bring some home...:) I luv my relationship with the R's I go to their house, they entertain me with stories that make me laugh hysterically, feed me and then send me home with food...truly, special people:) When I got home I raced up the stairs to the bathroom...which is pretty challenging to do when you need to go i might add...and then i saw a scary face through the mirror...who is that person? how did they get in the bathroom with me? oh, right...it's me...
then, finally...I raked the lawn. I was too lazy to change so there I was, all painted up, in 'church' clothes...raking the lawn...
later, in the evening, as my roomate was working on a paper, I couldn't do homework anymore, I decided to go visit her for awhile...our house has some dimmer rooms, and she had pulled two lamps to the corner she was studying in and it sort of looked like she was on stage...I thought this was funny, so I started laughing at her...she took it quite well...because she was taking it so well, I decided to stay and keep talking to her.
wanna do pilates?
no.
So I started doing pilates while I was talking to her, and then I started singing, while i was doing pilates, while I was talking, when she was trying to write a paper...then I felt guilty for distracting her, so I took my face, in all it's painted glory and now am here...still trying very diligently to not do anymore homework...I should probably go wash my face now...but it's still scary when I have to look in the mirror so I might not yet...I have to work up some bravery to face myself knowing I went out looking like this today...the poor R's, poor linds and andrew, poor roomie...
happy holloween from 'the face'

i got skills!

2011-10-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

catheterize someone...check
start an iv site...check
give iv drugs...check
change attends...check

thats basically what my day looked like...and I did it all...I was the one.

Your favorite

2011-10-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

You are my hiding place
in pouring rain
when clouds roll in
the sky is falling
You always full my heart
like a lightning bolt
kind of terrifying but I
much afraid
with songs of deliverance
joyful they are not,
more like crying
just me
whenever I am afraid...
if I should die
before this passes
as thunder crashes
you are
I will trust in you.

Pappers...I didn't foget this time. I have been thinking of your song, not sure if it's your favorite...but I remember you like it...it comforted me, so i put some new words to it...happy birthday...for real this time:)

thinking of you

2011-10-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

last year I felt so sad that because we live so far apart, it's hard to put on a special party for you...60 is a big year...this year I feel so sad again cause ...well...I got the days wrong and missed writing you even...and well...it's just not cool. Everyone tells my that I am 'just like you' with regards to temperment:) and i think that can be overwhelming for both of us...to be us...and to know that there is another one out there... like us...sometimes i think you feel responsible for giving me the gift of being like you:) but here's the thing...when I think of you, I think of soft spoken, i think peacemaker, I think diplomat, I think leader too...I think of pacing, and afternoon naps, I think swimmer, and loads of singapore change on the bedside table, and books. When I think of you I know your thinking of me too:) some might call it worry, but I prefer your 'thoughtful' mind. I am never forgotten or far from. I am glad you're you, my wonderfully wise, and thoughtful, favorite Dad

terrible, no good, very bad, extremely bad, horrideously horrible day...I am serious.

2011-10-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today i slept in, I thought, I have 5 pages of my paper written in rough draft already...I am good. I don't really expect to do that well in nursing papers, it's not my forte...but I did think I had a good start on this one. I had done about 10 hours of research on it, and I was pretty sure i knew what was going on with my fake patient...just one small sliver of doubt....
today I realized that slivers of doubt are like neon signs telling you to change direction. I had worried that I was looking at the wrong things too caught up in what i wanted to see instead of what I should see...sure nuff...
I found out that the focus of the case study wasn't about the heat wave and temperature factor...the focus of the case was on the fact the patient fell...my paper on heat stroke turned into verbal diarrhea on rhabdomyolysis...what you've never heard of it? well, let me tell you, I am learning about it...and I officially hate it...I was happy with heat stroke, I was perfectly ready to accept heat stroke...but nooooooo...it's now rabdo...as in I am turning into a 'rab-id-do-g' trying to understand and write another paper...the paper is due tomorrow...I have 1 page...and I have only just started incorporating all my research...

I hate falls...why do people fall...don't fall already...if you have heat stroke have ehat stroke...but don't fall...
Grahhhghghghghghghghghghghhg

I am going to eat a chocolate donut now and contemplate rhabdomyolysis...

rhabdomyolysis this....you rhabdo you...get the rhabdomyolysis away from me...you cra (crazy) you rhabdo cra'....what the rhab....doh!
I think I am done...done like rhabdo!

like a duck

2011-10-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

I cried myself to sleep the other nite...for you. I can't say the right words to you right now, there are none. None to fix it, none to hide whats really happening, none to make you feel better. And this place, this page...it's where i feel like I can connect with you even if I can't see you face to face...so I just wanted you to know that you are always in my heart and prayers...and if my heart is breaking, than God's is too...for you.

I still do...

2011-10-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

When I was young I looked up to you. A little person looking up to bigger, stronger examples and wondering, wow! I want to do those things too.
Growing up overseas can have it's drawbacks. For me, it meant going to school and living in the same building...this was kind of stifling sometimes. Who are your friends? Siblings. Who is your teacher? your mum. Who did you see today? my siblings and my mum. My mum never asked, What did you learn today? it was more like, "Did you get what I just said? Listen up!" My mum was not a bad teacher at all, in fact the homeschooling-the learning of knowledge part-went rather well...it was more the lack of socialization that did me in.
I remember being fascinated by other people's mother's. Instead of who is your 3rd grade teacher...and oh my, there is Ms Dixon the 7th grade homeroom teacher I hear she is scary. It was more like, Aunt Janet Bonney has air conditioning in the classroom...and she puts leaves on the walls when it's september cause she says thats when leaves fall off trees...(ps leaves fall off trees constantly in asia). Aunt Lynn does sched so she can't teach, she has to make sure the planes don't crash. As many as there were mother's there were also various methods of schooling. But you always knew one thing for sure, when you went to Aunt Jan (Armstrong's) you were going to get a snack from North America. A snack. At school. And I would wonder what it would be all morning long, I wondered about it traveling to Serimbu, but I always knew...there would be a treat...and it would be good. Another thing that happened at Armstrong's is we would listen to Micheal Card courtesy of Uncle Henry...we learned to appreciate good music. Eating snack and learning something new.
I am still in school, but now I have 'real' teachers, I wish my mum was around to talk to, I understand that leaves do fall off trees in september/october...but one thing hasn't changed. Going to Aunt Jan (Armstrong's) house means good food. This time it's asian food. Ubbi, terong, santan, and fried plantains. I don't know how she does it...but it's like going to a world that never fails to surprise me...and it always tastes good. I am thankful for all my teachers, my friends mother's and father's, my family...ironically we had a musical moment this weekend as well...Matt Brower...Uncle Henry is a huge fan, he even has his name inscribed on his Bible...seriously. Actually he found it at MCC thrift store and couldn't pass up the opportunity...but I found it hilarious.
When I was young I used to look up to Uncle Henry and Anut Jan...time has passed. I am technically grown up...but when I meet them it's still the same...Wow. I want to learn to do those things too.

Thank-you...it was an asian thanksgiving feast:)

Accomplished.

2011-10-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

I want to hug a prostitute. I told God that. I also told him, I am me, so you might have to work alittle to make that happen...I mean, you said you would give me the desires of my heart but I dont really hug strangers...ever. Bottom line-I just want to show someone that we are 'sisters' you know?!? Anyway, I kinda left it at that. I figured God is God and if he wants me to hug someone...it'll happen.

Actually I didn't think God really wanted me to hug anyone. I just didn't see the me i know and the world around me, jelling like that...I am not really a hugger. And what is with this weird inclination to hug a stranger anyway, I must be going crazy.

Months pass...one roomate leaves, another roomate arrives...and my new roomie hasn't quite gotten used to our neighborhood. She worries over us abit.

Well, one morning, I got up extra early and decided to just go to school early and study there, It was still dark out, outside, the night life still hadn't quite left the streets yet. And one of the slightly intoxicated girls seeing me approach her corner, faced me head on, "Can I have a hug?"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?! I gave her a hug, I didn't really know what else to do at that point. and thats when it got alittle crazy even more non me-ish...we started walking together towards my bus stop. We talked, or she talked really. And then all of a sudden, she stopped at the corner of the block and told me, "this is as far as I can go."

I didn't really know what to do, but I just told her, "I'll say prayers for you." She actually got excited when I said that and told me her name and thank-you...and then we hugged again, like it was normal, like we were friends.

then I walked away from her corner, to my bus, to another world of school and deadlines...

Anyway, when i got home that evening I told my roomie about how I got to hug a prostitute. Only to find out, she had been praying for me that morning as I left the house.

Thank-you God.

old to me but new to you

2011-10-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't really know how to take good pics, but my computer does take pictures...so here is my new 'do' I chopped my hair, and I have no great story to share about why I did it, unfortunately, no great heroic measures from me...I did not sell my hair to pay for groceries although the thought did occur to me, nor could i donate my hair to locks of love, or some other great cause, my old hair got swept up into a trash can...and yes, I did sit there looking at myself wondering, what are you doing??!!!! But no tears and no regrets....I kinda wanted to just take a break from hair for awhile so I did...and I am happy...I do look like a 12 year old boy when I wake up...and sometimes junior high boys yell at me when I am walking down the street and then stop when they get closer cause they thought I was someone they knew...but other than that, I have gotten good reviews...basically people say I am Julie Andrews, or Mia Farrow...or Twiggy...or Hermione
So now I am worried about getting multiple personality disorder from having a complex about being Mia Farrow, and Julie Andrews at the same time...
or Twiggy and a 12 year old boy...this haircut was supposed to make my life easier and now I am confused all the time...who am I? not really...I am still me. Just slightly balder...less hair, hair-less...like a shorn little lamb...that is me.

also, mums pointed out this winter will be cold...brrrrrrr I can feel it already.

Happy Birthday Leigh and Zai

2011-09-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

L is for the long trip you just had
E is for everyone was praying you home
I is for it always makes me happy to know you are taking care of my sis
G is goodness gracious God is good
H means hopeful i will see you soon again...

hope this year is full of adventure and fun and blessing...

and Zai,

I is for your intellect your expanding, S and A is for superamazing, I is for interesting, A is for A+ :) and H is for here is all my love sent to you...

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh be careful little eye's what you see...

2011-09-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

It all started when a famous health professional who specializes in sexual health got a bulletin on how suicide rates in the army were at an all time high. She was curious and read the long and boring facts on data collected about this new phenomenon. Nothing was clicking until she read a sentence relating the fact that over 50% of those who were studied had exhibited or mentioned an inability to intimately connect with another human being in their life. Deep relationships, intimacy, gone.
This health professional wondered if there was any research, military or otherwise linking war with an inability to achieve intimate relationships...she went back to world war 2...their was really nothing studied or documented which could better inform her, no answers really.
She still wondered. What is it, in the military experience that could make an otherwise healthy human unable to connect with another human.
She offered her services to military health professionals in order to engage with some of that 'community' to see what their understanding of this issue was. No one seemed to be wondering the same things she was. And then she was asked to speak with a specific unit for educational purposes. She started her little talk on sexuality, intimacy, physical expression and emotional connection...blah blah blah and half way through she stopped and just asked if there were any questions so far. What was on their mind...that kind of thing.
One young man raised his hand, a medic. he said, "I know why God made the night dark."
This health professional could have cared less about God, but wondered what on earth this 'boy' was getting at.
He continued by adding he had been on two tours, spending countless hours patrolling. 'We wear night vision goggles,' he said, 'we see everything'. 'We see what men do to women and children, to other men when it's dark, we see it all.' Then he stopped. She continued her lecture, despite wanting to go over and give him a big hug and wipe all his bad memories away. By the time she ended, he was gone.
She hasn't forgotten him, and when she addresses issues affecting sexuality and intimacy, she always mentions war.
As much as I worry over people that are being taken advantage of, of corrupt governments and oppressed people who need some saving, who need help. A saviour. I also worry about those brave souls who rush in to save them. The ones who still believe in honor, duty and integrity. I worry about people with good intentions, a big dream, and some ammunition. I worry about doing good that only brings about more harm. I worry about being a nurse who tries to fix symptoms and ignores the person. I worry that I will pat myself on the back for finishing my shift and leave a battlefield full of dying people. I worry that the medicine has side effects that cause more problems than they cure. I worry that the ones fighting infection at the site are the ones making super bugs unknowingly.
And that is why the story of that medic makes me a little bit sad. That is why the rest of our sexual health class, we were subdued. We have built up the pursuit of knowledge as some sort of saviour for all the simple minded. The ignorant, the naive. We have given the power of determination over to ourselves and maybe we have succeeded in becoming the empowered person we always wanted to be...but as gods of our own wee universe we have lost contact with everyone else.

I am studying now...really, I am studying...I just had to get out my worry post...

Today I almost died.

2011-09-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I survived tho...just letting you know I am safe...in case your worried and you can't wait until the end.

Anyway, I was sitting in class and we were studying the endocrine system, we got through hypothyroidism...and I felt fine. And then we got to hyperthyroidism, and graves disease. You can either have a problem with the gland itself, secreting too much T4...or it could be that the message from the hypothalamus releasing the hormone and anterior pituitary stimulating hormone feeding into the thyroid is wack and the thyroid is actually fine. Either way, you get hyperthyroidism if you have too much T4 running around...and then your body goes into overdrive, making more and more rbc (red blood cells), using more energy, go go go...people who suffer from it can develop a mental disorder they become so frantic. ironically however, some of the symptoms mirror that of hypothyroidism, the loss of hair, lack of libido ( my prof described this as, well, once your brain registers your sex drive it has already passed because everything is on high speed...we all laughed) anyway then she started talking about the crisis event, what happens when it's an emergency situation...and one of the symptoms was abdominal pain...then I realized something: my stomach was hurting, I suddenly knew I was suffering from hyperthyroidism...I was at a crisis event...I felt hot, flush, I was sweating,mostly my stomach hurt emergency! emergency!...I am sure i was experiencing muscle weakness too but i couldn't check cause I was in class so I just stayed in my chair...I was fading fast...I looked around...did no one notice how sick i was? I started thinking about how long it would take someone to get to the skills lab to get me an iv to replace all the fluid I was loosing...what to do what to do....where is PTU and Tapazole when you need it!!???! I needed radioactive iodine therapy STAT.
and then class ended and I somehow managed to get out of class and decided to eat my last meal...this is it...as soon as I had some food in me, for some odd reason, i felt so much better...my stomach stopped hurting. I realized I wasn't sweating anymore, I was better!
crisis event with hyperthyroidism solved with a tuna wrap...bet no Dr ever tried that before.
and that is the story of today and what i lived through...
it was intense...

God is Great. God is Good.

2011-09-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

1. friends

2.the bum dance

3.almonds

4.my favorite sweater

5.heated bus stops

6.being brave...let me clarify this, bravery.

7.I don't feel guilty.

8.words

9.cards.

10.packages

11.pictures

12.laughter

13.coffee

14.sushi

15.walking

16.weezer

17.old jokes

18.boots

19.memories

20. crazy dreams

21. smiles

22.dad emailed

23. music

24. windows

25. flowers and potted plants

26. Dr. Seuss

27. lecture on opiod analgesia

You Are

2011-09-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

One day, about 9 years ago...I met you. I was one of the first people to see you alive, in this world, ever! You were white, of course you were white:) but what I mean is you were really pale, but I remember thinking that you were handsome. I have always liked your face. Your face has seen alot of things, you have lived in Australia, Java, Canada, the US for a bit and now you are even living somewhere else still. You have been on planes, cars, for hours and hours on end. Your 9 years have packed in more than alot of adults have seen or known in a whole lifetime, and to have all that in your head is pretty amazing. In fact, I think it makes you so much more fun. Sometimes it must be hard for you, and sometimes you must wonder what God is doing and how your going to get through some of the hard times you have some days; so here is one story of how you have already made the world a better place just by being you.
Right after you were born something really sad happened in our family. Uncle Stephen died and you were still so little that your mum and Dad couldn't come with us to Faith academy to say goodbye to all his friends. I remember the morning we heard the news about Uncle Stephen, you and your mum and Dad and me piled into their little red car and drove up to Three Hills so we could cry with Oma and Opa...do you know what, everyone wanted to hold you, and when we held you, we all felt a little better. You already worked your magic:) You were just you.
When i had to go on the plane and your mum and Dad couldn't come with me...know what? I did something crazy, I looked at you and then i prayed to God. I prayed that you would be able to comfort your mum and Dad-while I was far away-you were a baby! But i knew you could do it. I prayed that everytime they held you, that their hurting would somehow be alittle bit less. I went away and was so sad that I forgot to really talk to your Mum and Dad lots, or phone them about all the things we were doing, and I am sure that made them hurt more...but even after all that when everything settled down, your Mum and Dad still forgave me for making their hurt bigger, and I am sure it was because they were holding you...because you are.
Even today, when i look at your face, i remember praying that you would be a comfort to other's...that was a pretty big prayer to lay on a baby...but still your face always make me feel better, it helps my hurt go away.

Isaiah 11:6
The wolf shall dwell with the lamb: and the leopard shall lie down with the kid: the calf and the lion, and the sheep shall abide together, and a little child shall lead them.

Who am I?

2011-09-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

I was raised by someone who always knew to do the right thing. That is why I was taken in, because it was the right thing to do. Always right, to the point of being inflexible, and so I became a reed raised to bend and bow to the wishes of the wind.
I grew up quickly, as first I lost my parents, then my guardian...taken into a foreign culture to learn their ways. And unlike most aliens and strangers who stick out in a different society. I became one of them, I even gave up my own name, I hid my identity with the hard fought skill of being a chameleon. I sought anther's approval over all my actions, and used every thought and action to win the love of everyone around me. This became my greatest weapon, my ability to please others. While other young girls learned from their mothers. i learned from strangers. While most young girls were taught to cherish their family, I was told to deny mine. While other girls were given in marriage and raising their babies, building families and a legacy of little things. I was given one momentous night to loose even myself and then i had to wait.
I did please others. I did rise to the top of society at the cost of my cultural identity, and moral integrity. I became someone most mother's raise their children not to be. I used every ounce of persuasion I had to solidify my position.
And then, everything changed. I was asked, no commanded to stand for everything I left. Everything I was no longer. I was asked to fix what had-for me-already been broken. For all the other girls' baby-making, family tree forming, culture keeping, religious following, chaste living; the fate of their legacy of all the little moments rested in my two small hands. On my flexible tongue. In the political power I had exchanged all those things for. In strength of character no one watching from the outside would think I possessed.
Truthfully, I was given no choice. It was a command like no other. Can a swaying reed bend the wind to it's favor? Life had raised me as the pawn and now I was to act a queen, but it was all still a game with rules I could only follow. I had to unveil my carefully kept identity, to shed the last of my vulnerability, all for the sake of other's. Many other's, but still 'other', no longer sharing what we once did. Other's who could never even eat the same food as me. So, I asked to save my people but stayed a foreigner. I asked for an entire nation, I had already given away.
And while others rejoiced in the shelter of their family love. At the end of my own story, I held the hand of a stranger, high above normal life's noisy din, out of reach to mere mortals.

I am Queen Esther.

There are people and there are angels...

2011-08-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Did you know that angels have a sense of humor, that they eat the last piece of chocolate cake-when no one else can-and notice puns like 'Dr. Hooks towing services'...they look just like you and I. But if you scratch the surface...they shine.
Scratch ordinary people's surface and usually all the things one tries to keep hidden seep out and bubble up like oil-which is great if your looking for money but not so important if your looking for character-more often than not people will show their earthly selves. But angels are made of something completely different.
I once read a book called 'gold fears no fire'. And i think that angels are made of something like that, when fire consumes everything in someone's life, while all the rest of us shrivel up and die or just keep whining...they somehow grow bright. The earthly skin they wear covers their light while my facade usually breaks only to show my dark.
What does it feel like to be in an angels presence? This feeling, if you could catch it or bottle it up, if you could define it...everyone would buy it-well there is that oil in me bubbling up again...
Angels
when you find one, you'll know.
Don't go around scratching people now, that is not at all what I am trying to get across here. But do look, for that irrepressible smile, or a glance that speaks a thousand languages, and if you want it bad enough, the best place to go...is where fire makes gold...cause thats where angels shine the brightest.

For Oma and Opa G.

Words I don't always say...

2011-08-28T19:42:00.001-07:00

This is the best week of my life.

The other day i watched
A Father take his son to the bathroom. A grandma go on a bike ride with her grandie. A daughter-in-law prepare a feast for her entire family of in-laws. A father referee a botchie ball match. A little girl bring me a peice of her pancake, then she brought me gum, and finally some jewlery she had made. My nephew glare at me and hold that look for an entire afternoon-everytime he looked my way.
I listened to
A grandson tell his grandpa, "I love you times infinity superfast." Two uncles share their thoughts on the ways of the world, cousins talk about work and catheters, school and Germany.
"Auntie Mia, can you wake up my dad and ask him if you can warm up the pancakes...then go warm them up for me?" (no, I will not wake up your dad!)
Tonight has been full of "Who am I" the game of the week pretty much. And jokes about farting, and laughter and even singing; now i think finally there is silence. And me, in front of the computer trying to put into words how much my family means to me...

I think my sis and bro are home...time for some games...and yes, I do believe my nephew is still glaring at me in his sleep.

Professional Nose Picker

2011-08-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, when I lived in a jungle, when i didn't wear clothes (kidding, always have, probs always will...) me and the sib used to joke that we wanted to grow up to be professional nose pickers...we liked picking our own noses, we lived in a place where manners might have been a bit sparce, or at least a different etiquette was observed, so it seemed to us like a good idea...

ironically, I now find myself actually picking other peoples noses and getting paid for it. I do alot of other things too. But I always get a mental check when i find myself actually digging for gold for other people...I am reminded that I once aspired to do this, that life is not very polite at times, and more and more, that snot is everybodies problem.

Somebody has got to do it.

Pick me.

Not Your Average Bear

2011-08-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am not the quickest.

Things take time to sink in

I might just be the last one laughing at the joke, but always the loudest once I do

but lately I finally connected why i am so obsessed with birth order...It's kinda annoying that I am such a birth order freak, for instance the fact that I have to point out that both my sisters married third borns, so did some cousins...I also go into how personality is affected by birth order, but usually end up by somehow mentioning that third borns are probably the most complex, amazing, insightful children...and now to the reason that took so long for me to figure out... it's my nickname.

yang ketiga....literally translated to number 3...

when my dad was learning a new language he decided to call me bungsu, or youngest...makes sense, I was the baby of the family for a time, then BAM my bro came a long and I was no longer bungsu...his creative alternative became my life long obsession...to prove that number 3 is probably the sweetest sound most people will ever hear being hollered at them...to know that just because your title changes your birth order never will....I will always be...

yang ketiga

ahhhhhhhhh sometimes when i have these revelations I am so proud of myself, for finding the reason behind things...seeing how little things can become such big deals to people, my Dad probably never thought that his 'quick fix' alternative to my nickname would stick around so long, or make me the annoying birth order master that i am...

just because firstborns are the stars, second borns are so quick, third borns have their own special charm, just you wait, maybe keep waiting a bit more, still more...third borns will get to ya.

Hands

2011-08-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

I think this is about the time, around the right day...

I remember going to Rick Down's funeral and hearing his son-in-law's tribute...kinda weird that I would remember it, I am sure that I have forgotten so many important things in my life, but I'll never forget his speech...he said he'd miss Rick's hands, he talked about monumental moments like his very first handshake where there was so much riding on Rick's hands, then when he asked to marry Rick's daughter and the handshake and hug that followed, but then he admitted that it was the little things, all the stuff Rick did and how he showed his love for others using his hands...at the time I think I kinda thought-who is this guy-he is obsessed with his father-in-laws hands, not really I was actually crying by the end of his speech...afterwards I remembered something you said, how you said the first thing you noticed about Grandpa was his voice, and his beautiful hands...his hands that made music, conducted choirs, and pinched his grandchildren (Tris). You loved grandpa's hands...maybe hands are secretly a bit of a thing for our family too...I for one always noticed yours...they weren't what you'd call pretty, you always mourned your nails, they had those lines in them maybe cause your hands worked alot, they were not soft, but they weren't hard either, they were just right. I always thought they were the best hands ever...your hands were so talented, maybe they didn't make the world around them sing, but they sure helped in the food department, and the gift giving, hand written cards and the love pats...oh those love pats:) so I guess, now, after remembering that speech for so long, I finally get it. I miss the things you did to show me love, but mostly, I miss your hands.

PS Last time I visited Grandpa I looked at his hands, they are still as beautiful as they always were...actually I think I inherited his amazing hands...minus the singing part of course:)

Only the lonely

2011-07-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

about ten years ago there was a young man who saw a girl cleaning a basement...he fell in love...for reals! serious! He walked out the door and told his mum, "I could marry a girl like that." and so he did. She being the energizer bunny, drove him to distraction at times...made his life crazy...but without him; she wouldn't know that she is accepted just as she is. When this young man became my brother I initially thought, he is really crazy about my sister, he has completely changed her sense of humor...I can say butt now...I guess he is alright.
as a bother he has never made me feel unwelcome...and that is a big feat...since I can actually make myself feel unwelcome alot of the time...I am like-well, I been hanging out with the same person for 2 hours, guess I better leave before I start annoying them and they get bored of me...for some reason, I feel like when I leave visiting him and my sis...it's always too soon...and I honestly feel like they feel that way too...actually Tris sometimes wants to clean so then i really need to clear out...but not Leigh...Leigh it's your birthday in September but since your on your lonesome this week i thought I would dedicate some space to you...let you know your the brother I never knew i always wanted...I luv it that I'm kinda like you too and we both have hang ups that Tris and mum are like, "You have issues! Why are you worrying about that????!!"

Third borns are the best...

I thought about posting a vid of me singing oops i did it again...but somehow I can see you not thinking that would be very funny if it was true...I however, the queen of overdoing an old joke, still find it HILARIOUS...

only a few more sleeps till you see your energizer bunny...and then you'll probably have to hang pictures, build dog houses, renovate your house, or some other small project with her, so you'd better get some rest:)

Me from the block

2011-07-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I walk home i see them, they are skin and bones, wearing tight clothes and fab shoes...I don't really talk with them, once I tried to be friendly as I walked by, smile and say hello, once i almost started running cause she looked angry with me, 'angry' is the only one who's made eye contect with me so far. We walk the same streets but somehow it feels like we live in two different dimensions of reality. Mostly they make me pray. I pray for Jesus. Maybe I'm weird, or just scared, maybe i don't get it, maybe I should pray for other things like them to break their drug habit, be freed from their pimps, have a decent meal, use condoms, maybe I should even start doing all this, get funding to empower these women...I should be more practical, and start with practical prayers...but no, I just pray that they will know that someone is there with them, in that place. I just pray that whoever they are, wherever they go, whatever they do, no matter how dark; they know God knows their name and can still find them.

My job...

2011-07-24T09:25:00.001-07:00

"Do you think i can wear this?" a customer asks.

Seriously?!! I really could care less, but minimum wage is calling, and so I stop, assess, and sell.

Then, there are the husbands who won't let their wives buy something without a parting shot, like, "Well, you'd better wear it if your going to get it." Not only was I mad he said that, after all they didn't come to the mall to not shop, but he killed the sale so 1/2 hour of work...gone, out the door...

Then there are the teenage girls who have no clue what looks good on them but...I need this cause all my friends have it, "okay...but do all your friends have DD cup size?" cause that look is for AAA's but out she walks with something that she will wear a T-shirt over all summer cause she had to get the style her friends do...

the know it all's who tell you exactly what they want and then buy the opposite...hehehehe take that!

when mother's and daughter's come in...such a good time until there is more than one daughter, as soon as there is a second daughter for some reason competition, jealousy, and general bad attitudes ruin the sale...

the women who haven't bought a suit in years...I luv them, they let you pick out anything and sometimes your both surprised at what they decide to purchase...but usually a fun time...

sorry friends (and sisters) but some of the worst sales are from stay at home mum's...not gonna lie...they are hard to please, treat you like crap...and don't usually buy much...sometimes it's super fun when they bring in all their kids-cause then you make the store into a gigantic hide and seek game, or get them to help you put all the clothes away using the rods...boys luv the rods...they think it's so cool to put things back on the highest shelf, but in general these women are always cold or just plane rude...

the really narcissistic women who try on the whole store and make you rate them in every single suit and then walk out without buying a thing...seriously!

the boyfriend who sits playing on his iPhone while the girl gets you to say your opinion...I don't get it...why me? he's the one who cares so just ask him...

the I-just-lost-20-pounds women, they are fun and even though they don't buy all the time, it's kinda fun cause they are so excited and that makes you excited and then it's like a pep rally in the store..."go team!"

pregnant women. nuf said. very cute, usually fun, hard sale.

the husband's who just come in and buy what there wife is going to wear...I am like, "We do have gift cards available..." He replies, "No, that's not special enough, I'll get her this."
"She'll love it." I smile...and when he's gone i laugh, and laugh and laugh...

my fav was this very "I'm-too-cool-for-school" sports chick who needed something to cover up her tattoo...school outing or something and so she would probably not wear it again but she needed it...I got her what she wanted and she was happy so at the till I couldn't help myself, "What's the tattoo of?" She looked so sheepish, "It's a lily." then she quickly added, "I know right; but it's actually really dope." I think I said something stupid like, "Lily's are great." She did not strike me as the lily type...she made me think of a line from my fav movie, you can't take it with you, "The die is cast, I am a lily,"

yup, lily's are very dope.

Phat Cats

2011-07-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

There is a movie rental place a block away from my house. It's the landmark i used when I first moved here to remember where I lived. Me and my roomie would be driving, searching, ..."there's Phat Cats"..."ok,turn turn turn"!!! It's Phat Cats. Seriously, the best name ever...and then I started wondering about what it would take to become a member there...a 'Phat Cat' as it has always been a secret dream of mine. (only since I moved here did i realize this of course) So, the other day, I went in and asked. Now being that I live in the neighborhood that I do, I wasn't quite sure what membership would all require...I mean, how do you become a Phat CAT? The thought did occur that they might want me to leave a pound of flesh to ensure I bring the video back...this made the whole dream of becoming a Phat Cat even more desirable for some strange reason, turns out all they want is my phone bill...and no they are not offering to pay it, they just want to make sure they can track me down...those Phat Cats...I am making things happen, I am realizing this dream, it will come true, thats, Phat Cat to you:)

Life as a Spaz

2011-07-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

I observe my right as the sister who communicates the most frequently anyway to use my weekly email to the sis' as a communal blog...mostly, I'm lazy.

K so here goes...

Group project assignment for class studying the Metis of Canada...I know almost nothing about the Metis of Canada and am part of one of the first groups to present...wait a minute I do know about the Metis of Canada, there was Peirce Brosnan in a movie playing a Metis-I think somebody called Louis Riel...I know I watched the movie-but all I can remember is Peirce Brosnan.
Anyway, we met to discuss what we knew about the Metis, me and my group, I had very little to add to this discussion; it was decided just to read our section straight from the book, nothing fancy just straight up, no frills, just information; learning the old fashioned way...then, then, we went to class and some ubber keeners brought in Metis art, clothing, fur hats, and a plethora of all things show and tell along with a PowerPoint presentation for their schpeel...I threw up alittle in my mouth. As we were passing around the fur hats of 'metis artwork and design', my friend pointed out the 'made in China label' on the inside, insert evil chuckles from myself and my friend. We felt perfectly justified in this moment of evil joy at the expense of the presenting group. They were going to get an A plus so I am sure they didn't care that much what we thought. After class we got time with our individual presentation groups and strategized about what to do now...
"They had PowerPoint guys, what are we going to do?" "POWERPOINT!" this is what I sounded like to my group...I think they thought I was whining, in fact I was just scared.
Alot of other groups pulled together a PowerPoint presentation for the next day's class; we (my group) weren't quite techno savvy enough for that, but we did manage to find a map. So we decided to project our little map on the screen and then read off our notes, occasionally pausing to mention, "and you can see that on the map, here." We felt quite interactive as we added, the map.
Anyway between class one and class two, I had to come home. The dishes needed doing, I was frustrated with class, so I just threw them all in the dishwasher, not really caring about rinsing them first...and then the dishwasher broke...it didn't finish the cycle...I start freaking out, I think the sum of my thoughts during this time degenerated alittle due to all these traumatic events, "I just broke the dishwasher! PowerPoint! I broke it! PowerPoint! I am so horrible for breaking the dishwasher! PowerPoint! I can't believe this, how could this happen? How could they do PowerPoint!"
I had to email my landlords who are off saving the world that I had broken their dishwasher, and my email was a bit frantic...i don't think I mentioned PowerPoint's though, at least I hope I didn't.
By the next day, or presentation day, I was doing much better, sort of. I was so frazzled I forgot my notes and had to walk back to the house, which made me miss my bus connection, no problem, just took 3 other buses before I got to the university, running late. My group practised our presentation, with the map. And then we were the first group on when class started, we were so nervous we read through our notes at lightning speed and didn't meet the time requirement for presenting. As if my group was of one mind they all pointed to the map "Look at this map." "What a great map." trying to eek out a few more minutes with that map...I unfortunately was of no help. I was mentally frozen, I just stood there, looking at the timer we had set thinking, "PowerPoint! We should have done a PowerPoint!"

Just in case

2011-07-07T12:11:00.001-07:00

Just in case anyone has 5,000 dollars to throw around....for a good cause of course...I just found out the place in Africa where i volunteered is dropping down to 10 volunteers for the month of august and september...this is kinda really an emergancy....SOOOOOOOOOOOOO

pick me.

send me

as my nephew Kor would say, "I'm ready."

no seriously, if someone needs to get their tax charities in or simply hasn't had a chance to get rid of excess cash that has been rolling around in their bank account...u know the usj...let me know...

cause minus 5000 it takes to get there and take care of myself for 4 weeks over there...I am ready.

update

2011-07-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

T was discharged home. Hurray!!!! He still has a rough go ahead but it's so nice for his fam not to have to say good-bye to him.

I have my grandpa singing to me on CD, kinda funny cause my roomie can understand what he's singing but i don't do german. But it's nice to hear his voice.

I have a story about Canada Post. They delived a package to my door. It said merry christmas on the card. It had a Timmies card with it too. It had a photo album as well. Inside the photo album there were pictures. Pictures of my grandma. I immediately really really liked that album. A new favorite. I couldn't let go of the album so I took it on a trip, it road the bus with me to work. During work I took breaks to open up the album and look at the pictures. Then I took the album to it's new home, back to my house, where all my roomies were introduced to it as well. We all bonded, now the album feels very at home here. It sleeps with me in my room. If you come visit I might show you the album cause i luv it so much. The End
Thanks Ry, Audra and kids...best christmas in June EVER!

A dogs life

2011-06-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Our next door neighbors have a dog. I'll let you happily contemplate that for a little while before I go on to explain what that means...

Today, I am writing a paper on ethics and legal implications of nursing...blah blah blah...to inspire myself I made the hugest bowl of guacamole ever...I got about 8 pages written and am now a bit unsure of how to wrap it all up...and the guacamole has disappeared! in my belly!

Back to the dog, it has the potential to be a great neighbor, it's a little short haired dog, unfortunately it has the voice of thunder. It only knows how to bark, I feel like it doesn't lack doggie communication skills however, there are no other dogs around...just people, so if it really wants to communicate that bad...learn to talk already. The other awkward reality is that the owners gave it a Portuguese name that I forgot and couldn't really pronounce in the first place...so now I can''t get it to shut up whenever it sees me...I don't know Portuguese or dog, and it refuses to shut up and let me teach it English...I say "nice puppy" in soothing tones and it just doesn't get it...so yeah, everytime I walk outside and he sees me, "BARK, BARK, BARK, BArk, BARK, BARK,..."

What does that mean, already?!?

Right now I am sitting at the dining room table, working diligently on my paper, the window is open and all I can hear is, "BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!"

Seriously?!

which ultimately inspired this post...my neighbor, the Portuguese dog who cannot be named...

Prayers

2011-06-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

I went to South Africa two summers ago and had the chance to work with a wonderful catholic family housing, adopting and caring for little children. This family has grown through it's ministry to abandoned children by adopting all those kids who haven't been found homes by the time they grow out of the nursery (age 5-6ish) over the years. One of those boys had a horrific accident about a week ago. Because it's winter in South Africa right now, and they don't insulate their houses, space heaters are valued commodities. I used a space heater when i was there two years ago, it was amazing...T's space heater blew up last week, while he was sleeping, he had it close to his face and has suffered severe burns to his face and into his lungs...he is on a respirator, in the hospital and really not doing very well. Please pray for this boy, he is one of the first to be adopted by the family and has grown to be quite the spokesperson for abandoned children...he is only in his teens...before he came to this family he was tied up like a dog and ate scraps the pet left. I just got a facebook message from his mum and she hasn't been sleeping since this happened. Also, because there are 22 kids in this family she can't be at the hospital with him all the time. So please pray for T and his family...

in the year of the goat

2011-06-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

apparently my last post gave others a chuckle, they found it a humorous addition to this website and wrote me about "what a good laugh" they got out of it...in fact, I was actually going for touching to the point of tugging at my heartstrings vibe, possibly even a tear...fail.

so before I continue with this post I thought I should say, this one is supposed to be funny...who knows maybe this one will actually make you cry though...

I went to the anniversary. I rode with some of my cousins I haven't seen much since moving to the city so we caught up on life and school...then we got to the place and I immediately found my Aunt Agatha who had agreed on short short notice to play for me...she brought two hymnals and then we decided to practise it a few times through...went well...and then we sat down for dinner...
all through dinner I kept wondering, when am I on?
had the salad and waited for my name to get called...
found a washroom and waited in the stall...
had the meal
had dessert...
went to the washroom again...still waiting
started thinking, maybe I wasn't going to have to sing after all...
and then the program started.
"Please let me not be first..." I kept hoping...
and then a few sings were sung, and Bri played the piano, and then Wendy played a duet with her...a few more things happened I feel like...
then I started thinking, "please don't let me be last!"
kinda freaking out alittle at this point, supper not sitting so well, getting a queasy sort of feeling in my stomach...I hate it when people talk about being nervous and say they have butterflies in their stomach; I don't get it, why butterflies? Butterflies are pretty, they fly so they are light, and they are just nothing remotely close to how I feel when I am nervous. If I had butterflies in my stomach i would be happy, what I have is a walrus barking when i am nervous...walruses are definately more nerve wracking than butterflies in my opinion...
so there I was, waiting with wally inside me...
and then it was my turn.
I had originally thoguht I would try and talk abit, and explain that this song was picked out by the Cornie Enns family...but wally wouldn't budge...
so i just opened that hymnal and waited for the music to start...
then it happened...the goat.
there are timse when one discovers much to their complete amazement...vibrato.
it's astounding really, where once you thought you had a clear voice and even tone, now comes out the mother of all vibrato's...
I kept thinking, "Is that my voice?"
only to answer myself with the echo of my own voice, the sound carried really well, unfortunately it was the sound of a goat like baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa; it was like a sonic boom on crack...
by the third verse I was evening out a bit, but by now I had carried the shakes from my voice to my legs, when i sat down it was in my hands...I two handed the water glass in order to get some into my mouth...
everybody was super nice, and it was mostly family or people I would never see again so i wasn't even as nervous as I can get...

my favorites of the evening, that aunt agatha played for me...so great, then the next was uncle Johns opening joke..."this is better than buy one get one free"...i almost laughed out loud-which would have been another public humilation as you all know...then Luke and Bri really did make me laugh out loud...oh and...

jack, get your own table:)

the story I find myself in

2011-06-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

today I am going to sing at a gathering of some of my favorite people here in Winnipeg...My Aunt Nettie and Uncle Peter are having their 40th wedding anniversary and i am singing...I am freaking out I am freaking out...that more what i feel like saying but at this point the calm before the performance has set in. This whole week I have been wondering how I would do...this whole week has been obsessed with something I haven't even done yet...and now that the inevitable has arrived an eerie quiet settles over my busy thoughts. A miracle didn't happen, my sisters didn't get to Winnipeg to help me out, or simply take over...my grandpa didn't forgot and got back to me with a hymn he recommended (a family effort with my auntie Carol and Kath involved too)...I even practised (which I don't normally do since I somehow still believe that practising somehow makes singing more of a performance art and less an act of love) somehow from growing up experiences and my own awkward interpretation of everything; singing in public has always been this way...a form of appreciation that I know falls short of perfection every time but sing I must...over and over again...back in my heyday (I didn't actually really have one) when I was in choirs and singing more regularly I found it easier simply because I was numb to it after doing it so much...however usually before a performance I remember back when I was 11 I was so nervous I was praying that God would break my legs so I wouldn't have to sing at the Christmas pageant at the Hazlett's...I prayed the week before, the day before, the day of...but somehow I ended up standing beside Nathan, James and Ste and singing "Go tell it on the mountain" while one of the little kids found a tambourine to bang and completely mess up the rhythm, to make it even worse James who normally carried the boys section decided he wouldn't sing, so it was me...and the background vocals singing off key, out of rhythm in front of this boy I had a huge crush on and whose school I would be going to the next year...I wanted to disappear into the floor. Somehow I survived it and moved on to sing again in public...every now and then when I get really unnecessarily worried over something I remember that experience and remind myself that I should be worried...really worried...growing older has helped a bit, I started to help God out in giving him plans of how to break my legs or intervene in the situation to make it 'go away' instead of just asking for him to miraculously break my legs...cause that's a bit unrealistic...one time i backed out last minute and made my sis sing alone....accapella...I am a horrible person...but she made me cry she sang so well....anyway...that was my week...now I feel like a rusty old kettle getting ready to sing He leadeth me...He leadeth me right here...Oh blessed thought...Oh words with heavenly comfort fraught...I kept telling him its' the earthly comfort i need but by His hand, He takes me and grabs it, He won't let go, He drags me and I am forced to follow...He leadeth me...

walk of shame...

2011-05-28T08:01:00.001-07:00

there are moments in a persons life when they have to step up, and take one for the team...be the one...go out of the comfort zone...and buy toilet paper. Toilet paper runs are rife for innuendo and teasing from the grocery store and the 4 blocks back to the house afterwards. First, it involves finding the cheapest, yet soft version, of toilet paper-which unfortunately, and I think they do this intentionally to add to the discomfort of anyone buying it, is the largest package of toilet paper. The toilet paper is so massive you can't fit it under your arm properly without having it slide down your hip and legs as you walk around the rest of the store trying to look like you have other things to buy and carry home...but who are you kidding really...you can't even handle the toilet paper.
Then you have an epiphany and grad some milk...milk is always good...but this forces you to now hug the toilet paper to your chest as you wait in line to check out. You pick the express lane because the name somehow conveys that you can end this embarrassing episode somewhat quicker by choosing this line than another...not express lane...unfortunately for you, the person in front of you decides that they are going to argue the price of a product with the cashier right then. "It was on sale!" they say absolutely. "It's not coming up in the computer on sale." the cashier responds. "I saw the sign!" the customer yells back. "show me where you saw it," the cashier and customer stroll off leaving you...all alone, standing half-way into the main ail, hugging your toilet paper. People are walking by, the 'slow line' is progressing quite rapidly...and then the customer and cashier return discussing the company policy on placement of sale signs..."You should put signs below the product to advertise the sale." the customer bickers, "The price was hanging over my item, of course I would think it's advertising what it's touching, you should give me the sale price for being so confused by this company and it's inadequacies!"
and on it goes...until finally it's my turn...the milk is pretty much cutting off circulation to my fingers by this point...but I am sufficiently appeased that I have covered my toilet paper run with a milk run (in the cashiers eye's i probably just picked up toilet paper cause it was on sale...right? of course right!) and then she gives me a bag for the milk and tells me to have a nice day...whAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"ummm, excuse me," I am floundering here, don't want to be too demanding or seem needy and embarrassed..."can I have a bag for the toilet paper too?"
"It's kind of awkward...to hold" I mumble.
"That toilet paper doesn't fit in our bags. sorry" she replies.
What kind of place makes bags too small for toilet paper...it's a conspiracy...I don't say that though...I just think it.
"well, uh, thanks." I mutter in misery.
I grab the bagged milk, which now no one can see cause it's in a bag! Then I grab the mammoth sized toilet paper package into my arms like an old friend I am hugging...who am I kidding I am not a hugger...this would be awkward even if it was a person... but it's toilet paper...great.
I start walking fast through the parking lot and make it to the crosswalk...the light turns green I have to wait. Then i bolt across the street once I can, excitedly wondering how fast I can make it home only to have to inform myself.
"People are looking at me."
Yup, me with my giant toilet paper, running...thats not subtle at all...so i slow down. I walk. And the blocks turn into days...by the time I get to my front door it been 7 years of hugging a toilet paper roll... I drop my burden to the floor like I've been burned once I'm in....glare at it. I hate toilet paper.
the end.

on a happy note...my roomies are all quite happy with me.

a bit melodrama...

2011-05-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday my roomie came home kinda sad, I asked her how her day went and she told me that one of the staff's sisters passed away today...she was in her 20's and around 3 weeks ago she was given 3 weeks to live...she died almost to the day of that prediction...we were both kinda shaken up after that...just kinda sad...the heavy kind.

today my dad sent me an email from someone who is contributing to Ste's scholarship fund...it was basically a normal email and then he added something about my bro-a joke-that made me laugh....next thing you know I am sitting here bawling...

and then I decided to do something about the heaviness (and why am i crying, seriously!) ...I am going to pray for that girls family...normally I am kinda callus about these sorts of things...or I send these in an email to my Dad cause he will pray...and I know his prayers go straight up...I decided to send my own wondering, wandering prayers up...even though they are a bit heavy and don't reach as high...

Guess What?

2011-05-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

You just lost the game...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

bucket

2011-05-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

also partly cause it's friday the 13th...

the news reported that the world was going to end May 21...this came as a surprise to me. I was not informed or given this exact information of the world's imminent end until the 'breaking news' flash...but apparently some people know that the world will end...on May 21...we'll see...but in the meantime, as much as I am justifiably sceptical about this date being the actual end of the world...well...me and my roomies all agreed that it did make us think. Think about what we would do, if we actually thought the world would end...in about a week.

here are some of the things I came up with...

wake up like always and sit in my sunroom with a cuppa 'cept have my Dad there too

play a game with my mam...probably more than one...

eat satay

wear really high heels...the ones I never buy cause I am kinda tall anyway...the highest heels...HIGH HEELS

eat nasi kari....in indonesia

ride the bus and pull the bell at every stop...hahahahahah...(yes I am that annoying)

make my neices and nephews recite all the things they have learnt, make them sing, make them read to me, make them play a game with me,

visit Grandpa...hold his hand just for a little...he has nice hands.

take a walk with my Dad and sisters and see if my mam can be persuaded too:)

do "the firm" kidding I would not do the firm or any other type of physically exausting activity

eat rice and curry

go to a church where they sing hymns and sing and listen and sing...(good hymns, the classics)

go to a birth...

not go to any of my summer classes...

get a tattoo...

but since I don't think the world will end on May 21...well this week doesn't look half as exciting...

new house

2011-05-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

someone stole our garbage container...i have to pay the city to get a new one and guess what...I have to pay a huge fee to get it delivered if I don't pick it up...why the fee? they come to my house once a week anyway...so chintsy!
I had a nightmare last night about bringing the garbage container home with me. on the bus. and trying to fit it throught the door and then having to put it where mums park their strollers. people staring and maybe even secretly wondering if that how I carry my baby around...in a garbage cart...then I had to check and make sure that there really was no baby inside it. only to open it up and find an elephant inside that blew snot at me before I could shut the lid...and then I woke up...

the other day, my roomie texts me as I am sitting at home (safe?) on the computer..."don't want to worry you," she starts out. "but how are you?"
seemed a bit strange to me...so I text back..."I'm fine." la la la ignorant of what she is talking about
"do you see police cars? are the cops still there?" I read next...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I run to the window, all is calm, all is bright..."What are you talking about?" I text back...now satisfied she is making a huge mistake and texting the wrong person...

"there was a drug bust today down the street from our house-it's on the news...u ok?"

Not anymore. But deciding to brave it up I text back, "I'm fine."

today I smiled at the nurse coming home from night shift as I caught the bus to school...she yawned and smiled back...

my neighborhood is way cool.

When someone is kind to the ones I love...

2011-05-05T07:14:00.001-07:00

the other day I attended a fascinating lecture on the mind-body health connection put on by a Dr. in his lecture to a faculty of nursing students and their professors he not only explained his views of the biopsychosocial connectedness in illness; he also brought in the fact that in the medical profession an average Dr's appointment is between 5-15 minutes. I already knew this, but I didn't know that much of this is because of how a Dr is paid...basically when a Dr spends more than 15 minutes with you they are giving you more than you are giving them. I thought of the one Dr I know who has come the closest to dissolving my irrational fear and terror of Dr's and then I thought about how much time he spent with any of my family members that went to him...mostly my nephews but he even took time for my Dad...and I realized I do miss those days in the hills hospital so much, talking with nurses and watching them care for people...emulating them (they are alot of why I am here)...and also the Dr's rounds when i would nervously prepare myself for saying..."good morning" as quietly and quickly as I could or heaven forbid be stopped by the Dr as he would talk about day to day stuff and ask how I was doing...how was I doing? I was terrified thats how I was doing...but I lied and would try and have a coherant conversation with him...not really sure how those went...I can't remember them, I was terrified. now that I think back...I am so thankful for those moments of pure terror, I am so grateful for being shown that yes, Dr's aren't so scary...well most are but a percentage aren't (I'm told) and then a very special few are most definitly some of the kindest people you will ever know...I have the priviledge of knowing one of those Dr's...it's hard to know how to describe how much this Dr's example went towards preping me as I approach 3rd year clinical and working more closely with Dr's...I just know that I needed to have those moments of terror and he needed to be the kind of person he is...

I don't hold out much hope of meeting too many Dr's that are like him, but I do know that I won't be as terrified to give any Dr report because of knowing him, I might even ask how their doing...

thank-you for caring for for my family.

Why internet is essential for life...

2011-04-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

I moved. Moving involves lots of things...hard things, one of which is learning to survive without internet...it's like survivor without the food shortage...and instead of starving and competing for a million dollars you eat chocolate and read cook books..seriously, I actually sat down and planned meals for a week and then wrote out a grocery list and when that was done I put the cookbook back where it belongs and made kraft dinner...but, now i have a week of meals planned for some week in the future...it's written down...i did it.

also, to make this whole getting internet even worse, I know nothing about internet, modems and routers...seriously everytime you get a specialist to come help it's like mega money and they look at you like your stupid..."You don't know what the ip address is?" "Did you plug the cord from the modem into the router?" That one probably should have been obvious to me, but like I said, this whole wireless internet is such a lie...you have to plug everything in and attach everything right before you can have 'wireless' internet.
I just know that the mini computers at the bottom of the screen have a big red X going through them instead of the blinking screens I know and love so well...I hate red X's...I just want internet...

so now I kind of have internet but only one of the three of us can have internet at a time cause we connect right up to the modem...bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...a few years ago this would have been fine...but not anymore...because sharing internet is hard...it's like only having one piece of pie left and having to share it with 2 other people...I don't want to share...

so yeah, right now my roomates are having a great conversation that I am not really listening to so I can eat all the pie by myself...or in this case...use the internet...to blog...about my lack of internet...

How much is 7 oz of chocolate?

2011-04-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

This easter Linds parents gave me a Lindt chocolate bunny...her dad also prayed for me in the easter prayer and called me 'one of the family' I had already been crying cause they showed clips from the passion of Christ movie at church and then the prayer made me wanna cry again (happy tears) but I knew I would be super embarrassed if everyone opened their eyes and found me crying...so I held them in and enjoyed easter...Linds turned her bunny into ninja bunny by moving the littly ribbon with the bell around the ears (instead of like a collar)...Elise turned her bunny into Puck from Glee by giving him a mohawk with the gold foil...I just tried not to touch mine that much so he would stay alive longer...then yesterday after going to my 3 hour summer class on resarch methods I started thinking about my bunny...

thinking and thinking...

then I got home and I went to look at my bunny...looking and looking...poor bunny thought I was stalking it...I wasn't stalking really, mostly I was hunting...
I picked up that bunny to keep me company while I was reading my textbook. When I was finished reading about scholarly articles, research methods and critiquing research articles that bunny was gone...now there is just a red ribbon with a bell...sometimes I ring it thinking the bunny might come back...but it's gone...thats the magic of a Lindt bunny.

moved...

2011-04-19T11:02:00.001-07:00

some of my favorite things....

there is a window in the bathroom so you don't have to even turn the light on when you pee...

the tub is old school and the shower curtain goes all the way around it so it's like your in a little cocoon shower...so refreshing!

there are plants everywhere...

I got the papa room...we drew straws to see who would get each room and I got the huge sleigh bed...it's so big you can disappear all night in it-wake up and wonder if your in a cloud of goodness the next morning and slowly realize you are just in bed...but you still really don't know where you are cause your bed is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO big...it takes 20 minutes just to get out of it...well more than that actually but I said 20 minutes to make me look good...

garden...

and the white picket fence which bangs everytime you walk through it into the house...it reminds me of the old screen door my auntie Caroline said made her think of childhood and every good memory of running onto the house with a BANG....so yeah, now I have my some BANG back in my life...i luv it...

but mostly i luv my roomies...who let me get the papa room...and the sleigh bed...they even wanted me to have it...i wanted me to have it too...but i just wasn't expecting them to give it to me so generously...i really really really like my home...

ps you're all welcome for a cuppa anytime...

catheters and crime

2011-04-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

I am studying for my last exam...in between each study chunk I watch crminal minds...so basically now, I know that you need to unwrap the sterile catheter kit starting with the flap going distal from your body and then those going out to the side and finally unwrapping the last flap towards your body (proximal) then pick up the sterile tweezers and maintain the sterile feild at waist height...pretty much you can take my exam now...also I learned that 90 % of missing persons are dead within the the first 36 hours... catheters number one rule...sterile can touch sterile... crime number one rule...there are no coincedences, there is always a reason for every criminal mind... dun dun dun! this post has been brought to you by the letter C...for without catheters you can't always pee...and that is a crime you see...

just a thought

2011-04-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

"Nothing is permanent in this world, even our troubles."
Charlie Chaplin

Oh happy day!

2011-04-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

"Oh, what a feen feen dey, sech a feen feen dey!" Ok so one of my clinical mates does THE best impression of the menno accent...basically I was rolling on the floor laughing so hard. And I could laugh, because i am pretty much done second year of nursing...ya man! I handed in my portfolio and had the final meeting for 'closure'! Our clinical evaluator basically told us that our group evaluated everything to death already so there was not much to do, so, we evaluated some more and then went out for a celebratory drink. One more exam to go but I already know I only have to get a 25% to pass the course so I am so over it... it's day 8+4=12...I can't do mental math...anyway, Tris, I cheated! I know! I had a chicken salad today...chicken! and I also had 2 cups of coffee...so yes, I cheated BIG time... I am done done done done done done done 2cd year:) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yup, thats pretty much how good it feels...tomorrow I take a cpr course...meh but it's all good... cause I am officially...pretty much...a 3rd year nursing student:) as of April 27th I start summer school so then I will really be a 3rd year student:) done done done done done done:)

Because being me is sometimes too much...

2011-04-04T11:21:00.001-07:00

So, finals are approaching, I have a huge major project to put together in a clear and logical way (which for me is probably the hardest thing to do) and it called for snow...so what did I do all weekend???? Nothing, I am the most talented person i know at being productively un productive. It's not that i cleaned the house for my roomie, took a walk, read a book, avoided the homework with other work...I just didn't do anything...you may think this impossible...so many people i know don't understand how one can possibly do nothing and be satisfied at the end of the day...their all doer's...they totally don't get the satisfaction of being. Just being, oh yes, yes, i can!
as life would have it, my new computer decided to be broken...yup...all my clinical work that is on this computer is still here but I couldn't connect up to internet or figure out how to get it on a thumb drive to somehow hand it in or show someone I had been working...up until now that is...you think I would have taken it in someplace on the weekend and dealt with that problem, but no, that would have been doing something productive...I was too busy being...
Then it snowed. Not just snow though, rain and snow at the same time...weekend of death!!!!
I thought of calling in for my shift at work on sunday, but then i decided well, they do pay me to be productive there so...despite the inner warnings that this weekend was just not meant to be productive, I checked the bus routes and lefts for work...it's a 14 minute car ride from where I live to work but I leave an hour and a half early due to Winnipegs belief that buses shouldn't run on Sundays...fine i can deal with that...I specifically planned a route that would have me outside the least so I could stay out of the ick weather...
the bus drivers didn't get my memo...and so i missed my second bus. Mehhhh, slight frustration growing, enjoyment of being dissipating...decided not to wait in the bus shelter for the next ride to maybe get me to work on time...I thought I will use my bus savvy to find another route and yes, I ventured out into the cold, wet, horridious weather without a hat or scarf and no rubber boots...I was inwardly proud of the sacrifice I was making of my hair and face in order to get to work in time...I walked 20 minutes to the other bus stop, there was no shelter, and much to my dismay found out that, that specific bus doesn't run on sunday's...inner ragey person slowly awakening...walked another 20 minutes to catch the route I hadn't wanted to wait for hoping I would still make it to work in time...hair plastered to my face, mascara racing down my face, cover-up leaving the massive zit I tried so hard to cover earlier that morning and then to top it all off I discovered my boots leak. Great. by this time I would say I was no longer being anything but a cauldron of flames which were boiling quite nicely...Thankfully there was a bus shelter so i could wait for the bus without getting more wet and cold...feeling traumatized by how heinous I looked I wondered what supplies I had in my bag to clean myself up a bit...nothing...because planning ahead would have been too productive...and then, then I discovered emergency monthly 'supplies'...thought for a minute and decided, it can't get any worse...so as cars were stopped at the light right in front of me, there I am, in the bus shelter wiping my face with super absorbent 'supplies'...and then the bus came.
As i stepped into the bus, the very same driver of the bus I had gotten off of earlier-to transfer for the quick connection that I missed-welcomed me with, "hello, again."
I almost lost it, I wanted to reach across and shake him...I was so mad, I don't think I have ever been so mad in my entire life...instead I just glared, walked to a seat and sat down...I congratulated myself at keeping the raging beast of anger under control enough to do that...a kid smiled at me...I glared back.
I did get to work on time, I did look like a drowned rat the whole shift, I did earn 30 dollars for all that...and you may be wondering what the point I want to make here is...
the moral of the story you might say...but there isn't one...
Day 7 sucked!

Day 2

2011-03-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tris, it's day 2...oh my word, I had to walk thru Zellers at the mall and I kept staring at the bread, the chocolate, the mini eggs, the chips, the pop, the pastries...yes, Zellers sells pastries...anyway but I am day 2 fruits and veggies...you know that I love you cause I am doing this during exam period...but I feel pretty good so far, a bit low-energy but whats new about that right:) okay so I think I will do a couple days in a row of jus the cleansing foods...but for right now I am eating salad and nuts and apples and salad, and salad... oh are we still allowed to drink tea? cause I am...no coffee though...just water and tea... My roomie wrote a paper on Gandhi, and she told me that he believed that a person should eat food like medicine, only to survive...kinda killing the joy a bit but at the same time, it helps me keep at this when I tell meself, what would Gandhi do...and then I eat some spinach. but he didn't believe in condements or spices...can I just say thats rediculous...my roomate is laughing as I type and talk out loud...I am stranger than fiction...and I creep her out... but seriously Tris, I am trying hard to stay disciplined...I'll go first...I love you more than all the carbs and sugar in the world...your turn:)

Sexuality in the Golden Years

2011-03-25T19:12:00.001-07:00

So, clinical is wrapping up only one more week, one more week talking about topics that pertain to people residenting in retirement homes. Blood pressure clinic-check. Diabetes clinic-check. Foot Care clinic-check...and now, for the clinic of our choice...Sex.

Yup, my group has decided that this topic would be a challange, it would break barriers, hopefully get people to come to clinic and as always probably cause a bit of a stir maybe start some really complicated questions...sex usually does...so yeah, everyone decided that this was something we should do a clinic on.
my group is the most crazy inspiring mix of idealism and down right earthyness that just might pull this off with flying colors...and then there is me...yes, me teaching a sexuality clinic...please all don't start laughing at once...all my classmates know I am religious and my parents are missionaries- they wonder how I got to be where I am today, i am right there wondering with them-they usually tease me with, 'what would your parents think', if I contribute to the conversation at all.

It's all about promoting healthy lifestyles and realizing that sexuality is affected when illness or chronic disease and age affect physiological functioning. As my textbook says, "although sexual activity declines as one ages; sexual interest and competence of older adults do not necessarily decline." Whether it's normal age-related changes or illness sexuality is affected and that can impact the persons emotional and mental state too...so yeah, i am now researching for this presentation. don't laugh.

ok, maybe you can laugh alittle...

k you can stop now...

stop...

not gonna lie, I am kinda glad my sisters, bro-in-laws and parents are across the globe sometimes...cause i wouldn't hear the end of this if they were here...

stop laughing

Remembering march 2007

2011-03-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

the very first month i blogged I witnessed one of the saddest moments of my life...today I was preparing a diabetes clinic and couldn't figure out why I have been feeling so NOT into diabetes...usually when i don't want to do something, or find something stressfull instead of plowing through and finishing a job well, I just turn it off, don't pay attention and leave it alone...so my diabetes assessment tool was short, thrown together and just handed in as a bit of a write off assignment for me...then half way through the clinic I remembered why I have such huge issues with diabetes, why I hate talking about it so much, why it breaks my heart...this was my blog entry 4 years ago this month...
I had a baby die yesterday. She was born flat and unresponsive. We did chest compressions and ppv on her for a long time. We prayed and cried and prayed and prayed some more. I don't know what to say about how I feel or what went wrong. But that i am totally wrecked and completely at peace that God is bigger than birth. Do I feel that if only she had gone to a hospital things would have turned out different, of course! But I also know that God doesn't make mistakes, even though i do, and He plans divine appointments and He gives you enough strength for each new day of troubles. And i was drowning in troubles yesterday. Andi's choir sang a song about the earth being tired. There is nothing more exhausting than witnessing the Devil do his best to take our joy, hope and strength by showing us how powerless we are in life and death situations. In turning the miracle of birth into a terrifying display of human weakness, inability and showing us that we are just a breath away from death.
I wanted so much to help women in labor, to encourage and witness the thrill and joy of a new life. This was my worst fear. This was the one thought that i prayed against, i wanted God to spare me from a baby dying at birth, you know, you just figure if your in this for His sake, He can be big enough to keep all the bad things from happening. But God didn't spare Jesus, and He wouldn't let me come out of this training without this experience. being a missionary is not bringing God's magic touch into the life of a desperately poor woman. being a missionary is praying and doing chest compressions, cleaning up the blood, dressing the baby, and listening to a father cry.
I am hanging on to the fact that God can bring life into any situation. He can reveal himself in the dark sometimes better than the light. Although the fig tree doesn't blossom, the labor of the olive tree fail, the flock be cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stahls, yet i will rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. The lord is my strength and He will make my feet like hinds feet, and He will make me to walk upon my high places. hab 3:17-19.
This baby died in large part to undiagnosed, untreated diabetes...and although though finding out the reason for her death helped alittle...I still hate diabetes. Tomorrow I have to present this clinic to a room full of people who are being helped with medicine, nutrition, education about diabetes...this is a good thing. I hope I am more myself tomorrow and up for that task than I feel right now...right now I cried alittle, for a baby i only held and never got to 'meet'...

I hate diabetes.

I hate my paper...

2011-03-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote it in a day...researched while i wrote and as I got into it and ideas began to role I was like...man, I am sure creative in a pinch...12 hours later, copious amounts of rereads and currently doing the reference page I am so over my paper, there isn't a shred of love for it...not that I even wanted to love it to begin with...it was on a bogus topic trying to make young nurses broaden their minds a bit...can I just say my mind is so broad right now you could run a truck through it...I am open minded already...this is now torture...cruel and unusual forms of punishment...to make the only paper due for the class at the end of the term when...EVERYTHING else is due...plus it sucks...I hate writing papers...

sometimes I think teachers all sit around at coffee break and plan their torurous methods all together..."Hey, what do you think of making them all hand in a pre-paper outline before they write the paper...possibly during reading break."
"Thats a great idea professor 'details', and why don't we all make it due in APA format with 92 references? Just to make all the minions sweat alittle."
"Oh professor 'cyborg', your phd in psychology is really adding to our methods of training."
"And then we can make the paper due right before exams, just to make it nearly impossible for them to have any leftover hours in their day to sleep."
"Training these next generation's minds in any sort of disciplined behaviour involves going back to my experiences in the POW camps during Vietnam."
"Tell us more, tell us more, professor 'navy seal', this years nursing students need to meet the terror of reality so they don't enter the wards thinking nursing will be rewarding, stimulating, compassionate, or anything other than pain. Pain, pain and more pain..."

mehhh, still have to refurbish all my quotes into the right format...

for the record I am pretty sure my prof's don't plan this out in order to torture us...somehow it just feels that way...all the time...pretty sure I am developing a conspiracy theory over all this...

poop on papers...

I could start my paper, but I won't.

2011-03-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight is survivor night-me and my roomate watch it. She apparently has always been a fan. I watched it back in the day, when it was still this new way of doing television...reality TV, where your real life is recorded and edited till it looks semi interesting and the drama of the natural unfolds...hahahahahaha...anyway, back on track. I somehow lost Survivor in the midst of so many other rivals over the years...Now survivor is the granddaddy of many other winner reality shows we all know and love like, big brother (aka in prison with random strangers who tan lots), amazing race (aka actually amazing, cept for they don't pick canucks to be on the show), the bachelor (aka hot guy makes out with 25 clueless girls) and the bachelorette (aka cute girl dates 25 eligible men and picks the one thats younger than her). The list goes on but I have seen at least one season of all these shows which while never actually resembling reality to me always manage to suck me in; in a sick sort of fascinating while disgusting me all at the same time way that has proved to be my downfall.
Side note: my mother says her side of the family has an adictive personality...I blame my Ranch genes...I think it's the ranch side she was talking about...
Now, I am back to where it all began...Survivor... it' s got me in it's grip...proving yet again that a TV program does not have to have any sort of mental stimulation, purpose or worth other than simply being something on TV for me to watch...for me to sit down and love it...
Side note: I am also of mennonite background which brings with it this incredible gift of self-incrimination or an innate need to hate anything that resembles anything that doesn't directly impact the greater good of mankind and cause an end to social injustice and bring world peace...
So it ends up being quite the reflective process to first find a way to thoroughly enjoy my program and the moment the TV is off and the realization of what I just did hits me thoroughly reproaching myself for what I have done.
I am not sure where I am going with this blob...but Survivor is on in an hour and somehow I have to find some sort of redeeming quality in for me to justify watching it to my menno-side...
thinking
thinking
thinking
Exercise!!!!
I am going to walk down, as in take the stairs instead of the elevator, to the TV room and blood will circulate and I will think so much clearer for my clinic day tomorrow if I do this...I will interview my client so much better, i will listen more and so to Survivor I will go...

The earth is tired

2011-03-11T19:31:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, when I am in my little cold world here in the peg, shut in by blizzards and all i can hear is the sound of wind gusting around the corner of my building, this is all there is. It feels like i am trapped in this endless blowing wind and snow and although there is more world out there. i know this in my head, for right now, all that ends and there is only the blanket of white and howling outside. Somewhere out there, in this great big world, there are people whose lives just tore right apart...broken by nature...lost in a storm...not winter and this cold tomb I am in, but the earth actually breaking apart right underneath them and then water crashing down around them...I can't imagine the earth just opening like that and swallowing me up...I can't imagine how sad it must be to just stand on those empty broken streets and realize that not only are your loved ones gone, but your life is forever changed, your whole world, your little patch of earth just broke underneath you...the earth is old and tired, falling apart around you...
Someone out beyond this white is suffering...but I am cocooned in this place, frozen

these are the golden years...

2011-03-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

one day we will look back on all this mess and think, "that was such a great time." Today one of my clinical mates was expressing his views on this fact. And then added, "But i am having such a great time in this moment too." In all of our worries about grades, the stress of assignments, the pressure of working in small groups and being constantly evaluated, being told we are 'adequate', trying to balance all this out with a life, and some people having families of their own already. And he (my classmate) is absolutely loving it!
and then there is me.
Truly, as I was thinking about his completely earnest admission I got alittle bit caught up in the fact that, yes, I am here...in a high intensity, lay it on the line kind of place right now. And I am working towards something that I keep telling myself is worth it in the long run (the looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong run). Every time I sit through a redundant lecture or participate in a time consuming group project I start wondering if i am wasting my time...but then I look around at some of my more 'hopefull' mates and hear them say things like, "this is the golden time...the glory days..." and as much as I really don't think this is very glorious or ever will be, in fact, it may be something I prefer to forget. This moment of deadlines, bus-stops, blizzards, and a sinus infection...is more than just the dreary getting by of it. It's more than just a means to an end. It's life, it's breathing, changing, moving, unpredictable and freakishly scary...and thats enough for me right now. I am at peace with that.

maybe, just maybe it even has a bit of a silverish lining to it...I'm not really the golden years type...so silver might just be as positive as I get, but silver is a precious metal too...

and now I am going to contemplate Lent...

Grandpa

2011-02-28T15:03:00.001-08:00

today I saw a picture of my grandpa when he was younger, sitting at a desk doing paperwork I am guessing...I wanted to jump into that picture and ask him so many questions and give him a big hug...questions about his thoughts on life, family, and where he was at, right then, not the 20/20 hindsight that I know now, but all the daily stuff that you forget once your over and done it all. and a hug for right now; knowing that right now he is missing Grandma and if he would have known she would be the first one to leave, he would be a bit sad.
I made verenika for my sister before i came back to school...really lame verenika, but as my auntie encouraged me...as long as you have dough and some farmer sausage, usually everybody's pretty happy...so I hope that my sis got to eat it and remember how much Grandma loves her, and I love her and that it sorta tasted like verenika...
other than that I basically just relaxed with family the whole of reading week, had a few bad dreams about my clinical instructor grading me and the interview which happened today, but really I took reading week off...I played games with my neices and nephews...lost clue, lost risk...played games with my sis and bro-law, lost that one too...
stopped playing games cause I just wasn't doing so good...then I got sick...
so now I am in winnipeg with a man voice studying for a test on teaching and learning...
seriously, how redundant can this course get, I am in school getting taught and learning and now i am taking a test on learning and teaching...been there, done that...ok
i better go before this turns into something not so positive..
all I really wanted to say was, I miss Grandma, and i love Grandpa and I had a lovely reading week...the end.

Today

2011-02-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

I got my first paycheck from working at the underwear store...I sell panties now...and swimsuits too but that isn't the funny part...ok it is kinda funny but not the funniest...anyway they got my address wrong on the paystub...they turned shaftesbury into shagesbury...I thought it was funny since it's valley day and now apparently I live on shagesbury boulevard...
I'm going to stop now cause I think this is funny enough for right now.

practical jokes work out so much better in your head than in real life

2011-02-12T07:28:00.001-08:00

i am not really a practical joker by nature, i am more the...you share what crazy stunt you just pulled and I will laugh really loud at your brilliance person...but sometimes I do small things that i am secretly quite proud of and think, now that was funny and laugh a little to myself, hehehehehe, and thats the end of it...i don't usually tell anyone because these moments of mine are usually so insignificant others would laugh at my feeble attempts into the world of pranks...so, life goes on and I laugh as I listen to others share their imaginative stories and wonder where they ever got the courage to pull some of the stunts they do...
so, now that you all know i am not a practical joker, i will share my small foray into the world of self inflicted pain by pranking someone else only to have it get turned back on me, and make me wonder...why? why did i even think i could prank someone else?
My Dad was taking all these pictures on a pretty sweet little camera during the family get together last month...all of a sudden you'd look up and there would be Dad, with the camera, catching another shining moment in the Enns family history...randomly I saw the little camera, sitting by itself without Dad the photog present and I thought, wouldn' t it be funny to take some lame pictures and when dad scrolls through his memory BOOM you have been pranked:)
most people would take a picture of the laundry chute...or the washer and dryer...sadly i wasn't thinking this whole i am taking a picture and whatever i take it of, will be given to someone else to then do with as they will...so in my less than steller practical joking mind I thought...I will take a picture in the laundry room of myself...with 3d glasses from watching narnia...and Dad will be like...did I take this picture? what? who is this?...these are some of the thoughts I had going on inside my head, so when my mother found me snapping pictures in weird glasses in the laundry room and rolled her eye's I didn't think anything of it, I was so happy in my little moment of prankdom...my mother sometimes doesn't verbalize what she is thinking, in this case it would have helped me to hear, "Dad will have a really embarrassing picture of you to distribute if you keep those on his camera." but she didn't say anything, she just went back upstairs and let me tempt fate with my inability to think things through...which brings me to today....the culmination of the prank...
today i recieved a mass extended family email from my dad, detailing the trip home and how wonderful it was, and of course including pictures...yes, one of the pictures is in the laundry room, with a strange woman in heinous glasses...next he'll probably include a picture of me in the prayer letter along the prayer request section with the caption, please pray for our third daughter in nursing school we think the stress has started to get to her.
just another reason I should not try practical jokes...ever.
and no, there will be no picture for you...until my Dad gets facebook or starts his own blog

meh

2011-02-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

so I gave a subcutaneous shot on my last clinical day...I'll admit I was nervous, because I knew my instructor was going to be watching me like a hawk and commenting on all the steps...so yeah I acted like I was a newbie and kinda was in semi shock and freak out mode, cept I wasn't really freaking out about giving the shot, just about my instructor micromanaging how I need to give it...protocol, protocol, protocol...the mantra I wake up to and dream of at night...one day it will be just something I do, but right now I am learning to be watched, analyzed, and discussed like some bad experiament or test subject gone horribly wrong...you see you are only actually human if you become a nurse, while your still a nursing student your like a hamster running in circles and getting...no where...meh
well that was a little negativity pooring out...woah....
anyway so then I was basically told to write a 'reflection' on my first injection...i kinda laughed a little, and thats when I realized this hamster's got game...cause my first injection took place 4 years ago, in a megacity slum, in the wee hours of the night on someone just born, I gave a baby their vitamin K...so yeah, I will learn your protocols and run my tail off in this wee little cage...i will write a reflection on my subcutaneous injection...and keep writing reflections on what you tell me to write about...and then I will become a nurse and i will leave this little cage to be a person again...right now i am your hamster...soon i will be a human again...because I am spartacus.

Ever wondered why?

2011-02-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

Ok so here's a life long question, a deep thought provoking, profoundly theological conundrum...why are there so many greetings in Pauls letters, the end of all the letters are always full of random greetings...i always wondered why they kept those parts in the bible...I mean who cares about theodocles, and the two women at lystra (not actual quotes from any of the pauline letters) and why the whole 'council' deciding the new testament couldn't edit those parts out when they compiled the new testament...I even bet there were some of the council members who thought exaclty like me, and were like, well scratch those parts-lets only include the essentials of Pauls message...and they probably argued with the long-winded wannabies who wanted all the endless greetings to stay in...the jot and tiddle people you might say.
and that brings me to my long life of questioning...why? Why is this important enough to keep in the bible...those of us skippers can't even use these books for our benefit since the end of these books usually have nothing to do with the actual message of the book, they are just greetings to people we don't know, who are never mentioned again, and so we have to go back and read the entire book anyway. Lots of people had to read those parts for school copious amounts of times, poor preachers have to find reasons for those parts as they exegete their way through a book of the bible, with those of us who were listening to these sermons wondering why did I come today?...
then, I kind of had one of those brilliant light bulb moments where something clicked inside my head...and although I find myself truly happy by this, I do realize that from previous experience, what clicks in my head is not usually the most theological of reasoning or logical by any stretch of the imagination...and just because it clicks in my head doesn't mean it will find any sort of connection in yours...this used to deflate me once I would share out my thoughts in public. Because I found I looked like a bit of an airhead, but now that I know I am a bit of an airhead it doesn't worry me so much that everyone else doesn't get it, cause for me, it clicked...something i wondered about with thoughts like, "is there any point to this," all of a sudden is just quietly, calmly, and for me completely solved.
So here is my reason for why greetings are included in the bible...when you read a letter from someone you haven't seen for awhile and probably miss, you read it lots of times, you like the important parts about whats going on in their life, you get the message but you also aren't with them experiencing the same kind of life they are...you just get a letter about it and live vicariously through it...but the greetings at the end convey the fact that although your far apart...your still connected, you did once live a common existence, it can be a little reminder of where you stand in the writers life too...like when Paul mentions he is even writing the greetings in his own hand (to the Corinthians)...and all of a sudden the "love people you don't like and don't offend the weaker brother in the faith" message becomes less of a chore because he cared so much he even wrote greetings in his own hand....so if you are discouraged and you get this random letter that doesn't address any of the issues in your life at present and you are kinda like meh, they have a nice life but I am so not there right now...then they end it with, luv mum...or luv your sister and your all of a sudden like...oh yeah, your life is a part of my life...and your doing well, I luv my life:)
so my question was answered, why do greetings matter? Cause they ground you in your relationship to the writer and make the message personal, like a holy kiss personal:) and everything in the letter becomes special. Another question is answered, I see the light...maybe more like a candle than a light bulb but it's made reading the greetings and going to those sermons a whole lot more fun...so my friends, sadly there can be no holy kiss for us, but I do send you greetings in the Lord, with my own typing fingers even:)

What once was boys against girls, now is men vs women

2011-01-26T17:23:00.001-08:00

Whaddya wanna play?

Said while looking at the Dad...knowing that games and devotions are always at odds...and never the twane shall meet...but still we ask...

Wanna play a game?

I think the Dad was so tired by this point in the weekend, he acquiesced quite quickly...

and before he could change his mind...we rattle off some suggestions keeping in mind that there are some games dads just don't play...and there are others that the mums don't play with dads...and there are others that andi always wins...while others still that girls just don't see the fun in (Axis and Allies...who cares, it ended, get over WW2 already)...so the selection can be quite small after all these factors are taken into account...

How bout Trivial Pursuit?

now I don't remember who put this one out there, but it was a stroke of pure genius, for, if there was any game that a Dad would stay and play, it would be have to be Trivial...and of course the pursuit to follow it.

Honing in on the Dad's longstanding interest my sister then asks, "which version should we play"...oh no, not another vanilla coke, pepsi-lime, golden oreo's....where is the original when you need it, the plan to entice one father almost imploded before the game ever really began, for if there is one thing, the Dad doesn't do, is mess with the tried and true...and so off I went hunting for THE trivial pursuit, only to find, The Lord of the Rings version, the in-pursuit version, or the millennium version...

but once again, the Dad surprises, he still wants to play...and this is alittle of how the millennium went...

"What is the most common sir name in the United states starting with D?" mums reads to the MEN

"The sir name is the last name right?" the bro-in-law clarifies...my mother chimes in, "given would be your first, sir would be the family name".
"mum don't help them." my sister interjects...

but then the dad says, "Dagwood!" there was a moment...it struck the women funny I couldn't stop laughing, all i could think of was comics for some reason...I still wonder where dagwood came from..."Dickson?" my bro-in-law chimed in...
"Drurell!" the Dad again. "Dick?" my bro-in law returned
They settled on Dickson...it sounded less mennonite...but no, it was Davis...which ended up being even funnier cause that's Dad's best friends last name...basically I was crying...

"What country in Africa was named after their famed elephant tusks?" the dad asked...

"Kenya!" I am so sure cause of all the safari's seriously Kenya is Swahili for tusk...deep down I know this is true...the dad has other reasons for thinking this one could be true, he cracks, "Ken-ya pass me my tusks?" for some reason this is hilarious and once more I am crying...
"Congo?" mums suggests, this sound equally good to me...but no, it was the Ivory Coast...who knew, the millennium edition has no imagination what so ever...in the real version of Trivial the answer would have been Mali or something no one could have guessed...the real version wouldn't have asked such a dumb question to begin with...

anyway

those were just some of the trivial moments we shared, the dad and bro in law capturing the title of winning gender by the end of the night...

despite being wrong, I still think that Grizzlies are the largest bear, no matter what Elijah says...
and yes, I did know that Tom Hanks said, "Baseball isn't for crybabies." in A League of Their Own...because i watch movies and I'm smart like that...now if bears talked I am sure I would find them more interesting and learn more about them...

thanks mum and dad for the trip...I loved every minute...even the loosing ones...

Family Reunion with a Snake

2011-01-24T06:57:00.000-08:00

I got to alberta after experiencing-in winnipeg-a few straight days of -40 windchill weather...Calgary was +3 when we landed at 9pm at night....why did I live in winnipeg?
Another surprise was getting to Three Hills and finding my sister Carissa's kids all awake, at about 10pm. They had just arrived from Asia on the 18th and were experiencing jet lag...as a family...it worked out well for me though:) I got to see everyone and when we all went to bed at midnight I thought we could all get a decent sleep...but apparently the kids were back up at 3:30am and my poor sis and bro with them. I had also experienced some trauma as I went to bed that night cause apparently, while i was away, my sister Andi decided to let her son own a snake...let me repeat that, a snake...i made my peace with God before i closed my eye's that night...just in case. As it was i think i was up at 6am ...
you might think we had a horrid day with everyone on either jet lag, new baby sleep, or snake sleep...but it was the best day of my life:)
apparently my sisters and bro in laws are so used to functioning with no sleep they are professionals...I neede a few cups of coffee though...the kids were all taken to the third hill for some type of winter sport that involved riding down the hill at dangerous speeds...the men all took them
and me and my mum and my sisters planned meals and drank tea and ate Mrs Feilds chocolate chip cookies...
then my cousin Kath and her hubbie Aaron came for a visit and then my cousin Ry and Audra and their 3 kids came for a visit and Ben the dog came with my Uncle James, we drank coffe this time and dat a chatted...then it was supper and then we drank more coffee, then we went outside and sat by the fire and drank more coffee, then we came inside to have some sharing and songs and put the rabble to bed...we drank some tea and sadly, Ry and Audra could not be convinsed to stay the night, cause then we would have had 12 kids 10 and under in the house with 9 adults and a snake...I would have even offered up my room to them for the night...but no, apparently this wasn't good enough for Ry and Audra:)...actually just knowing that Kath and Aaron and RY and Audra took the time to come see us was so nice, it was wonderful...it was the best day ever...
and that is the story of family reunions, snakes, but now I have to go get another cup of coffee...

I am still not sure about it...

2011-01-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

the new background is not that exciting...i am not sure if it inspires me...at all...I feel like it just looks like a mountain of work...someone wrote in all those books...pages and pages...and I am unable to come up with a measly little post...
I know, and then it just get worse from there, cause then I realize how pathetic I truly am, to be overwhelmed by my own blog, which I can create to say as little or as much as I want it too...anything i choose to write about will do...I can write about nothing even...well I often do actually...but no...I am here...terrified... thinking of those piles and piles of pages written by someone who took time to be far more profound than me...and so I stare at a blank 'new post' page wondering about what to write...I am not even worried about it being worthy or imaginative...just to get something down, it's not even in complete sentences...just like meeting new people and then having to give them a bath as soon as you introduce yourself...yup...thats how terrified I am right now...of my own blog, it's just that scary...

the deleted post...

2011-01-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

yes mums, i did delete grace...it was wrong you see... i won't go into it anymore...there is nothing more boring than reading anothers half baked or faltering theology...but I have been having a week of merton...my favorite monk...i love how he doesn't have to finish every train of thought into one climactic reasonable point. he lets you wander and take detours while you contemplate his contemplations...it's quite fun, I kind of like the crazy cycle of minds jumping off each other to travel in different directions...also, I feel like there is an eccentric charm in the fact that sometimes he makes no sense at all, possibly because I then feel that I don't have to make sense in my own meandering thoughts about...well everything...because in a world caught up with the bottom line, or a complete sentence, the scientific answer, the party line, linear thinking, or making a decision...there is still a whole lot of mystery out there, there is lots we can't understand or see...
so here's to not having to make sense but having a marvelous time enjoying the ability to use our 'little gray cells' as Hercule Poirot would say and simply taking the time to wonder....

Letter

2011-01-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again, just wanted to say thank you for the 365 days of last year. For family connections that always make me feel loved. And thanks too for all the cool friends I met and also kept. for all the fun moments, thanks. For those moments that I couldn't wait till they ended, well, thanks again for those too. Thanks for things like dreams and goals and work too....
Thanks for You, I was thinking about it, and wondering what I should hope for this year, but I realized you already gave me the whale, you gave me a relationship with you...You can still do all the stuff your planning for me this year, i can always have more, i am kinda needy like that...but i thought I'd just start off the year by saying thank-you...

today I am not ready for to write my new years letter yet...

2010-12-31T14:49:00.001-08:00

I know, I only have a few more hours...in some places in the world, I don't even have that! I am already late, but here's the thing, I am still not ready...I just don't feel ready...let me clarify this feeling, it's not the feeling where you are avoiding an unavoidable tradition, it's not because I am sick of writing these letters and want to start a new tradition, it's not because I am tired of writing, it's not because of any issues with the new years letter, other than the fact that the new years letter, my letter to Jesus, means just that...a new year...another 365 days of complete blanks that I will fill in as i go...another grand adventure some optimistic soul would think, well, an optimist I am not...even on my best days you couldn't stretch me into an optimist...the glass is still never full...and if it truly was full you wouldn't be able to lift it and drink without making a huge mess and spilling on yourself, or perhaps you might dribble it down your chin as too much drink comes out all at once and look like you need to revert back to sippy cups-while those around you contemplate your complete lack of basic abilities to function...and so the new year is like that proverbial cup, I am letting it sit there, unsure of whether I am capable of drinking it properly...if it even has anything in it...for all I know it could be empty...that blasted cup.
So....here's to a new year that i am not ready to welcome, a letter I can't quite write yet, an attitude I never got the hang of (being positive) and everything I lack...maybe it's cause i always wish that the new year would be kinda magical, the coming year might be full of promising things that tranform me into something better, as the days go by and time flies I somehow 'become' into a better version of myself, like Cinderella with the beautiful dress on and her own coach of magic mice men... the script gets more exciting...unfortunately, all to often, i feel like the writers gave up and somehow I have to do everything improv...can i just say, I am not ready for improv (however you spell it) I am not ready to adlib my way through another year...and I want a fairy godmother already! so, that cup is just going to have to sit there for a few more hours, I am just going to stare at it for a bit...

She walks on clouds...

2010-12-28T17:51:00.000-08:00

You are a friend who has taught me more about being a friend in the day-to-day, here and now, than anyone else I have ever known. You take the time to write thank-you's...you send Christmas cards, you remind me of birthdays and special occasions of other friends, you always remember to call, and then, on top of being so good at all those things, you listen too. You work so hard to make the little moments good. You make an effort and when others don't it hurts and baffles you, because you sincerely don't understand how others can take forgranted what you strive so hard to achieve. Frienship. Today i am so thankful for a friend like you. Someone who teaches me to be a better person and to pay attention to others, while maintaining great style and perfect hair...I will never have perfect hair like you, but I have learned more about being a good friend after spending time with you, and I think I have better style now too:)
You have been such an incredible blessing to me in the past four years...oh my word, how has it been 4 years:)...I am so lucky to be in your wedding, I am so excited for you and Andrew as you both begin life together...but honestly, I just feel honored to know someone like you...someone who makes being her friend like taking a walk...in the clouds...
Merry Happy Linds...

The case of the bridesmaid dress...

2010-12-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

"Which style do you like better?" a future bride asked her friend as they purused etsy.com for bridesmaid dresses...well actually the bride did all the footwork and narrowed it down to just two lovely choices already. And with this accomplished could not quite decide between the last two...her bridesmaid helpfully answered, "I like them both, which one do you like?" as they went back and forth between the two dresses. The bride had stated that she liked the darker colored dress, but then added that it might be simply because that dress was closest to her color of choice which was a deep purple. "Ahhhhh" the ever helpful bridesmaid replied...the bridesmaid waited, hoping this empathetic response would elicit more information as to which dress the bride truly wanted more. "I think I like the shape of the darker one better..." The bride added hopefully, waiting for her ever ambiguous friend to say something in reply. "Yes, it's very you..." the tentative bridesmaid answered helpfully letting her voice trail off in a sort of breathy mumble not to be misconstrued with anything remotely resembling direction or affirmation...
The bride remained as rational as always, sizing up the points that she liked, or disliked about both dresses, her bridesmaid waffleing between each choice as the pro's and cons were stated by the bride. "The lighter one is very unique and it was the first one to catch my eye." the bride would say. Her helpful friend would reply, "Oh yes, I can see why you like it, it's quite unique, yes, very unique...I like it very much."
"But when I compare it with the darker dress I feel like it doesn't quite seem like the right shape..." the bride continued mulling.
"It doesn't does it, now that you mention it, yes, the darker is a very nice shape, it's very you..." trailed off that baffling bridesmaid.
The conversation continued for a few minutes before it ended without any solid decision being made. "Thanks for your help," the bride kindly said, while her friend rushed to reply with, "No worries, anytime, I really like them both and think that your wedding color will only make the dress more pretty than the colors we are looking at right now...the dresses are really pretty, and your wedding will be beautiful..."
A few days later the bride called to inform her helpful bridesmaid about which dress she had ended up choosing..."Oh I really loved that one, I am so glad you chose it, I can't wait to see it in real life, ahhhhhhhhh i can't wait for your wedding..." the helpful friend and bridesmaid faithfully gushed. And so with that, the dress was ordered, and etsy became the supplier for one very special December wedding...a month later the dress still had not arrived. This did not worry the bride or bridesmaid, for dresses do take time, especially if you want them one of a kind. So, patiently the wedding party went on with their lives, and smiled whenever they thought of the package that soon might arrive. Snow came, school started becoming more stressful, and finally it was the week of exams and still...no dress in the mail. Slowly, the happy smile at the thought of this package arriving turned into a panicked expression that it might not come in time! The bride decided to take matters into her own hands and find out the whereabouts of the dresses, she emailed etsy to find out whether they had been sent or not, to her great dismay she discovered the dresses were still being made, and would only be shipped the following day! Calling her bridesmaids she shared the sad news that the dresses were still a week or two away...the helpful bridesmaid, trying to be helpful, helpfully said, "Well, they are going to be on their way...soon..." and couldn't think of anything more appropriate to say. With all that could be done tried, the sad bride decided to focus on other projects, and her helpful bridesmaid contemplated what she could possibly say to convey her, helpfulness, tried again, "I am sure the dresses will get here on time," and as an after thought chimed, "mail comes so fast around Christmas time..." as she hung up the phone she sighed, shouldn't have added that whole Christmas time bit, I was just trying to be helpful though, oh no, what if they get stuck at the north pole??? And with that the bridesmaid decided to never mention the dresses to the bride again, until the day they came...surely, surely this will be helpful to my friend!!
Congratulating herself on being so helpful, she went through exam weeks with a nervous stomach that decided to rumble during every written exam she wrote, it bellowed and it bloated, full of helpful nerves that seemed to say, "If only that darn dress arrived today!"
and as fellow students turned to glare..."No one understands the stress I am under!" mourned that helpful friend about her rumble...
and as exam time finished and ended, that helpful friend worried and fretted...and days before the holidays drew near, she even made friends with the mail man, whom she feared had forgotten about her parcel on purpose..."No, that would be silly," she thought, but couldn't seem to shake the bad feeling she had whenever she saw him her tummy would ache...
and then on the day a week before the wedding, all the bridesmaids were planning a joint dress fitting...and if my dress still hasn't arrived...the helpful bridesmaid shuddered and cried...then i will be out of this wedding for real, and be shunned by the bride...
Oh me, Oh my!!!!!
and then a miracle occurred, on a cold winters day the bridesmaid phoned up the mail room and got this answer, Her dressed had arrived, she could come pick it up anytime...she threw on a coat and shoved on some shoes...braved the howling winds and ran right up to that wonderful mailman who greeted her too..."here's a package, a dress, sent to you.."
with shaking hands and uneven breathing, that helpful bridesmaid ripped open what was keeping her from seeing that dress she so longed to wear...that unique, pretty one, she had helped the bride pick...she pulled it out fast and held it up right there...and the first thing she said when she saw it..."I sure hope it fits..." cause if it didn't that wouldn't be helpful, it really would not.

Merry Christmas All

2010-12-20T20:24:00.001-08:00

So, actually...me and my summer roomie sing together...it's fun, our favorite is Lady Gaga's Poker face...we even made new words for Poker face for Lexi and Paul's wedding and sang it to them when they got back from their honeymoon...I know we are such great friends like that...anyway, so this is the 2010 Christmas hit...Wendy, you're not allowed to show this to your kids:) PS most embarrassing moment ever...I bit it at a restaurant tonight, I literally did a face plant into the wall, scraped up my chin and now my nose is HUGE...like rudolf...I am rudolf...recently I heard somewhere that bad things happen to people who are actually very good...right now I am feeling very righteous...saintly in fact...my poor nose though, my pride is a bit wounded as well, since apparently I don't know how to walk in public anymore...ok, i think I am going to go ice my nose now...

Merry Christmas:)

Heinous...but done

2010-12-18T15:21:00.000-08:00

the exam I took this morning was probably the worst exam I have taken since coming back to school for nursing...all I could think about was how foreign everything sounded, did they realyl teach me this this semester? seriously?
as I was reading page after page after page of multiple choice questions I kept waiting for a page that I could understand, identify with, or just not guess on an answer...those pages were few and far between...
all the nursing students are out partying and celebrating...I am packing and moving apartments today...mehhhhhhh
I still can't believe how much I hated that test...I am so done...

humbug...

maybe tomorrow I will feel more ready for christmas, right now all I can say is...

heinous.

A reflection for you...hoping that you know who you are, and if you don't well I just can't help you out with that

2010-12-16T14:10:00.001-08:00

A long long long long long...(you can keep this up for awhile to get the picture...) time ago, in a place not so very far away, on a cold winter's day, something wonderful happened. A baby was born, and not just any baby, this baby was the very first boy born to a family that needed someone to carry on the family name. Already besett with multiple grandaughters, and soon to add two more of the female variety, miraculously, and non too soon...the anticipated boy child arrived. Perhaps it was the fact that he was so long awaited, or the fact that babies born in december are just naturally special, whatever it was, this little boy grew up knowing he was someone special. Confident and brave he grew up a bit of a daredevil, willing to try new things, push the enveope a bit. He could do anything, after all he was the long awaited boy. Unconcerned with trivial fears of his female relatives who sometimes found life daunting...he always sailed on, to bold new adventures, to blaze a trail for the much afraids to follow after, like going abroad to study. In all his wandering he always came back home, now he fights for justice and protects his country from danger. He is also the head of his own family and has provided the extended family with his own son to carry on it's name and traditions and hope. A truly remarkable man, I for one, am very thankful he was born...to save our family name:)

Happy Birthday...

Post to a lost ring...

2010-12-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

Once again, I am no longer chaste...this post may seem similar to a previous one, one that involved working at subway and my boss at the time, scrounging through garbage bins in search of my ring...but this post and that one have one major difference...the ring is still gone, I didn't come home to find it in the bathroom, I didn't come home and find it at all, I just came home and mourned...i mourned my ring, my chastity, loosing something valuable that I could have potentially pawned to pay rent, instead of trading hair in; like people do during desperate times...cause I have no hair right now, well, not no hair but not enough to sell... these are the kind of thoughts I have when i mourn. Another thought was, I could have been a tragic heroine, buried with my ring, so that when everyone gathered to say things about me...they would all end with..."at least she still had her chastity ring." but now I have nothing...just a very sad finger that misses it's ring...
I remember picking that ring out with my dad, (almost 2 decades ago...what the crap:) we went from gold store to gold store in the pontinanak market aroung the Hawaii restaurant and I got to try on rings, I felt so grown up, i loved it that I could finally ask the store keeper to move the glass so we could pick out the rings i wanted to see, that glass was always this invisible wall between me and the pretty glittering things behind it and for the first time i got to move the glass and reach in to try some 'real' jewlery...I don't think it took me too long to pick out the one I wanted but i do remember obsessing in my head about getting one as different as possible from my sisters, and I also worried that I wouldn't like it after awhile, I wanted to choose a ring that I would love forever, and I worried that I just didn't have it in me to be loyal to a ring for that long, what if I hated it eventually and didn't want to wear it? What would I do then, it would be like risking my chastity! Now that I think about it, it seems silly that I worried so much about those things, why did I really need to have a different ring from my sisters? why did I think I would hate my ring if I didn't find the perfect one? Now that it's gone, I realize I never disliked it, or thought it was ugly, or wanted to get rid of it...I was always quite fond of it, my precious:)
I remember playing with it through countless classes from Wajuk Hulu junior high to english class with Mr. S, boring chapels in bible college and awkward moments in small groups or church events when i would feel uncomfortable and needed to do something with my hands... i would turn it over and over and over and put it on different fingers and hold my hand up to the light to watch it sparkle...my precious...
as I have been mourning my precious, I realized how long I have had it, how much I liked it, and how much I'll miss it...previously, I did go through stages where I would panic about loosing it, which meant loosing my chastity along with it because you can't be chaste with a lost chastity ring...my precious always meant so much more than just gold on my finger, and sometimes I even tried to make it into a 'sign' because it had such symboic meaning...but then I'd realize how silly i was being (not that I am ever melodramatic or anything)...you know like when your asking God for something and then make a sign for Him to answer you with, like Gideon except without sheepskin, rain, or an answer for that matter...my precious had to represent over the years...it's funny though, loosing it didn't become this huge issue of whether or not God was removing a sign from my life...which normally I would be in an absolute panic wondering what God meant by taking away my precious...but this time, when I really lost it, it was just sad...
the last time I thought I had lost it, I used it as a sign, if somehow it came back to me, then that meant that God cared and wanted good things for me...even small things...but now I didn't even ask, now I mourn...
mabe it will come back to me, maybe it's gone forever, my precious...maybe I will have to make a fellowship and go in search of it, but not to throw it into a bubbling volcanic eruption to destroy it...actually I don't see myself as Frodo, or part of the fellowship at all...
I guess I feel alittle like Bilbo, the real meaning of the ring is still beyond me, but i hope I wore it well...all i know is I grew attached to it, when i had it on, it proclaimed me a pure person (as opposed to invisible, i wanted them to see how chaste I was with that ring:) and now it has changed ownership to someone else and will maybe take them on as grand an adventure as I had with it...goodbye my precious...

Prescriptions...

2010-12-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

generic name: cacao bean

brand name: Cadbury milk chocolate

theraputic effect: stress reliever

off label effects: emotional stabalizer for any given situation where some type of emotion could be involved...it's really great for emotions.

Indications: stressfull situations such as exams, emotional turbulance, generalized anxiety, mood disorders, jobless, debt ridden student...etc...

Contra-indications: the perfect life, no feelings, cyborgs...

Side Effects: weight gain, flatulence, diarrhea, cavities, weight gain, acne, hyperactivity, loss of focus, weight gain

Drug-drug interactions: in certain forms can be combined with nuts or dried fruit to enhance the stress relieving effects of simple chocolate also if given in purified doses (bitterseet/dark) can have an additive effect when administered with caffiene...

Precautions: tolerance is an issue with this drug, if taken long-term to relieve stress, the effects of constant stimulation will create a situation where higher and higher doses are nessecary to have the same effect..it is highly addictive, you should follow your Doctor prescribed dosage if you don't want to experience excessive side effects from a drug overdose.

IF signs and symptoms of an overdose (excessive weight gain, euphoria) occur, discontinue use...foods that counteract the effects of chocolate are things like celery and artichokes, you can also concider giving them in cases of an overdose.

Note: This drug is fast acting and is primarily metabolized in the gastrointestinal tract and should be excreted from the body within 24-48 hours, in order to maintain the desired level of emotional stability you might need to have an initial loading dose with subsequent smaller doses to achieve theraputic levels being maintained in the body...

this drug has a low theraputic index, which means, it is dangerous...the theraputic dose and the lethal level have a very small margin for error separating them...always talk to your doctor before taking this drug due to it's highly toxic nature.

Prostate health....

2010-12-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

This semester my favorite prof specializes in men's health...when i go to class I am constantly amazed at how much I didn't know about men's health before now...but now i do...or something...

DRE- do you know what this is? well, I sure didn't, and no it's not Dr Dre the rap artist, which would have been my closest guess...D is for digital...r is for rectum...e is for examination...yup, the self prostate exam is done through the rectum... apparently through the rectum you can feel if the prostate is enlarged...who knew right?

Also, men need to do kegels too, promoting prostate health is about kegels...pelvic floor muscle...aother shocker, here I thought they were just for women...

also the size of a man's index finger as compared to his ring finger indicates the risk for prostate cancer to some degree...all men hold your hands up...compare the length of your index finger to your ring finger, if your index finger is longer...you have a 33% less chance of getting prostate cancer...right off the get go....I know!!!!!!!!!! crazy...so then prof asks us why this could be...and me, being the brilliant beyond brilliant student that I am pipes up...yes, I said this without really thinking it through that well, but we had just been discussing DRE so i was like, longer fingers=better self examination...there was no awkward silence before the whole class...the whole class erupted laughing at me...not with, at...but seriously, at the time I thought it made perfect sense...my prof grades us on our vocal contributions for our class participation mark so now he is going to remember me as the dimwit who thinks long fingers are made for DRE's...

actually they attribute having long index fingers all the way back to fetal development and the amount of testosterone the baby is exposed to in utero...this hormone can be traced to affecting a certain gene which causes finger growth AS WELL AS other things...and thats where the relationship between a finger length and your prostate health come into play...how healthy your prostate is now or ever will be, is partly becaue of how you were made in utero...side note, if your index and ring finger are the same length there is no significant risk or benefit to it, but having a shorter index finger than ring finger is correlated with a higher risk for prostate cancer...and when I say risk, I mean risk...not your going to get prostate cancer...so anyway...get check ups and do the DRE...I also learned about saw palmello but I will save that for another time...

I think we've all discussed enough for now...

needless to say, I just felt like I needed to show you that I am learning something, because it was Mouvember (mustache for prostate cancer awareness) recently, so go measure your finger...

then see if you need to see Dr DRE...

I am a big fat hypocrite...

2010-12-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

the nursing program involves a lot of partner/teamwork assignments...right now I know you are all trying to rack your brains to remember when the last group project you had to do for marks was, please bear with me...remember the pain of teamwork assignments, please for my sake...remeber the pain or else this post has nothing you can relate to...if you are remembering how fun it was planning, building, writing and then performing those projects...then you don't have to read anymore...you can go look in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are...but just go...
this post is about the agony of teamwork...first you have to choose a partner...most people will automatically just choose the person they want to work with because they have some forethought and realize what an agonizing process these projects can be...but not me, I don't possess the ability to make decisions like that...I think the first thought that entered my head was, how can we divide the 6 people sitting here into 3 fair groups of two...I thought to myself, " I shouldn't grab at the person who i think is the most capable, I should let them go with someone who i think needs a bit more help; I can work with someone who isn't as strong or the best and hopefully, that way, it will be fair...everything will still work out because I am trying to be fair right?" That was my thought...
I am so dumb. I should have just grabbed the best person and ran out of that room...but I didn't and after the initial hesitation to act you have to wait for everyone to be 'picked' so that no one feels left out...this involves some rather obtuse conversations where you never actually figure out what the other people want...you only feel worse after realizing that no one really wants to be partnered with you either...you diplomatically fill your groupings and feel so relieved...it's done, it's decided, you have a partner...6 people really does split into 3 groups of two...you don't have to be alone...hurray hurray hurray...and being the ignorant fool that I am...you go out as a whole group and celebrate with sushi...unaware of the process that lies ahead...your celebrating cause you saw the ice berg and are craftily steering around it, when...
scrap, tear, rip...you realize that teamwork, and planning, and brainstorming is this massive block of ice that takes up the entire ocean beneath your little sailboat...working in a team means that you have to spend time together...this is the first concept of teamwork that I missed pre-group making stage...working with a partner means spending time with said parnter...I had to say it again just cause I feel like it needs to be said...you have to be together alot...
also, there is the melding of minds to form one ultimate theme for a finished product that will inspire the professors with your creativity and depth...you have to talk, and compromise, and contribute, and get shot down, and then when you think it can't get any worse...deadlines start approaching...
BOOM...your sunk...you have to be able to get work done together and also have it handed in on time. All the brainstorming sessions turn into massive meltdowns of anxiety and doom as your project goes from almost brilliant to 'what in the world?'...
somehow, if you survive the presentation, in shock, waiting as the dust slowly settles you realize that your at a sushi restaurant again (de ja vu anyone?), sitting across from your partner, who's smiling at you. "Wasn't that great?! Didn't we make an awesome team?"
frozen you smile...only as the food arrives and your downing the green tea do you realize you feel like dancing, you start singing along to every song playing on the restaurant speakers, you start laughing your 'siren' laugh while the other nursing students around you wonder just what got into you...finally, as your putting on your jacket to leave, you say to your partner, "What a great time." (now that it's over...)

Because only I am this cool...

2010-11-18T14:42:00.001-08:00

I just posted this before actually writing it....because I am this cool...

I went to check my mark for a test and I had thought I was going to get a C on it so I was shocked to find as I read that I got an A...then I went later on in the day, high on A....to recheck it to drink in my victory and celebrate the fact that I can get A's...and found I originally read the wrong line...I actually got a B...no more high, no more A, it didn't even last a day...because I am this cool...

I taught vowel and consonant's in a grade 5/6 class today and basically gave all the wrong instructions to the kids and then they had to reteach me what the short and long sound of vowels mean...because I am this cool.

I missed the bus...because I am this cool.

there are other things that make me cool too, like the fact that I have bangs that like to stick up all the time right now, i forgot to put deoderant on after working out (this would have been an only slightly dumb thing to do except the next class was health assessment where I had to be in a gown and have someone touching and poking and yes, smelling me for an hour), actually working out was also a bit of a humbug, I tried to work out but ended up walking around the track and getting winded and smelly...I am this cool...I grew out of a pair of jeans...actually I ripped it while I was wearing it, I think my hips just exploded really...because I am this cool...

Thank you

2010-11-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

today I opened my email to find one of the most nicest and thoughtful people that I know wrote me. My uncle Laurie...it made my day...thanks for remembering unka flew...

Hi to all of you. Yesterday here in Canada was Remembrance Day for all those who died for our freedom in the wars. Today in Singapore it is Sept. 13th and we remember again Steve going to be with the Lord. And once again I am sure it is a hard day especially for you David and Phyllis and family.

A guest lecturer here in our church this week spoke on the Resurrection and the paramount importance it is to our faith. One thing he did mention was that Paul talks in Phil. 1:23 where he is torn about staying or being with the Lord --and telling us in the Greek I think-- that it really is saying it is better, far better to be with the Lord. Steven has experienced the “far better” part of life in a dimension we can’t comprehend so we are thankful about that but we here of course still feel the loss and his absence yet cling to the hope knowing that the resurrection will one day erase all that pain.

The other day I was reading in John where Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead-- but before He went to Bethany to do this He had said to the disciples lets go wake Lazarus up and it reminded me of Corban when we visited Mom’s grave last year and he got that big rock and marched over ready to throw it on the grave proclaiming he was going to wake Oma up—good theology for a little guy.

This is long enough so I will end here. We do love you and trust that the Lord will be your comfort and joy and strength as you re-live some of the many memories that you shared with Stephen today and everyday.

Your brother
Lauren

Yes, I still live in a dorm...

2010-11-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

someone decided to tape calvin and hobbes cartoons in the bathroom stalls that I use, this past week I noticed that they had changed the cartoon in my 'favorite' stall and by favorite I mean the one I feel most comfortable taking care of business in...
why am I telling you this...lemme give a bit of a background...because public washrooms are a daily and very real part of my life right now...while I am in school, and even afterwards when I am working, I will be using copious amounts of public washrooms...and this is why I have come up with a very well thought out method, tried and true one might say, of getting the most out of any (and all) the 'facilities' I should happen upon... i do tend to be a bit choosy of which stall I have to use...picking the right stall is half the battle...'they' say that the stalls furthest from the door are usually the most frequented...for that reason I usually choose one near the door...less bum germs...even though i don't actually rest my bum on the seat...it still makes me feel better...
further more I practice public washroom etiquette by NEVER choosing a stall right next to someone already using one...because it's only right to give people a little space and privacy...you've heard of the 6 inch rule of personal space...well public washroom etiquette is quite similar, something like, 'the more stalls between us, the better'...I used to think that everyone knew and understood this principal, but there have been times in my vast experience as a public facilities user I have been amazed at the rudeness of random strangers who insist on sitting right next to you...seriously, the whole washroom is empty but they have to choose the one right next to you...that kind of togetherness really doesn't promote any feelings of bonding for me...I just keep stairing down their shoes until they leave...I can't help it, these feelings of dislike just well up inside me...
also, if there is any option of using a single occupancy public washroom-be it designated for nursing mother's, handicapped, or the elderly-use it...don't butt in line and use it before the nursing mother, wheelchair bound individual or your grandma...wait your turn, but still, take every opportunity to avail yourself of these miracle rooms...they don't happen often and can sure take a load off your mind...
another little known, but very important rule for saving yourself from the embarrassing situation of having to apologize for the smell after you've done your business is...never poop in a public toilet if other people are in there too...just don't do it. You can pee, do some deep breathing, wait for the moment to pass...leave so you aren't tempted by the easy access of a toilet because you can't afford to lose control, keep calm...you could pretend your doing your morning stretches as you try and find a comfortable position to wait for an empty facility...try another washroom...don't do anything too strenuous...cause that could be very problematic...just don't poop in company...it's not cool...there is nothing like some space and quiet to do the job right.
and with that back ground info, i will go right back to my story...they changed the calvin and hobbes cartoons in my favorite stall so I thought, they probably changes the cartoons in all the stalls...and because I was curious, and I luv calvin and hobbes...I changed it up, stepped out of the routine and used the middle stall (if your following the first rule of not taking an adjoining stall-in a washroom with three stalls....NEVER use the middle stall) I was just peeing so I thought, just this once I could break rule #1...so i am reading about Calvin's dad reading him a bedtime story, and Calvin is like, I hope this is a good one 'cause the last one put me right to sleep...(haha, kind a funny) but then Calvin's dad starts telling him this horror story, and the attack of the enchanted hand, ending with, and no one knows where that hand went...and then all of a sudden, there's this hand and Calvin's dad is being attacked and Calvin faints...Calvin's dad walks out of the room muttering, 'why haven't I done that sooner...'
to make my point in the simplest way possible...sometime during the horror story telling and Calvin fainting...I lost 'control' in the middle stall...the only redemption is that no one else was in the washroom at the time...rule 3 is still intact...
from now on I am just going to read the new cartoons in 'my' stall...if i get really curious about what the other stalls cartoons are, I am just going to pop my head around the door and make sure i am 'empty' when i do...but there will be no sitting, and no more middle toilets...because in a public washroom one can never be too carefull....

My Christmas List...

2010-11-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

deoderant

socks

hair spray

moccasins

scarfs

hand written cards

timmy's $ card

lotion

toothpaste

email from my sis

a job

oh, and world peace.

Surprise, Surprise...Surprise????

2010-10-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

surprises are always a massive undertaking, first you have to actually think of it...this is an important step...I usually share all my brilliance in one long blurb of verbal diarrhea and then...well there goes the element of surprise...then, after successfully thinking of it and keeping it to yourself, then, you have to plan with stealth and cunning how to pull such a feat off, and this would involve choosing who you trust with the valuable secret because we all know...some people just weren't built for suspense...they are like walking time bombs of secret goodness and although it is always funny to watch others detonate someone elses secret...when it's your brilliant plan being blown up...well, it's just not as funny...so 1) keep the thought in your head till you...2) plan it out with trusted confidants...but...and here is the the biggie...3) you need to plan your brilliance on one of those people who can actually be surprised...seriously...why plan a surprise, have all your friends and relatives walking on egg shells for weeks only to pull it on someone you can't fool...

I have a friend, she is getting married in a few months...so far, out of the 4 showers she has been given, 3 have been 'surprise' showers...she is never surprised...not at all...tonight after the shower as we were rehashing the whole...step into a house filled with people you aren't 'expecting' bit, she lamented that she didn't act surprised enough..."I should have acted more suprised for them, shouldn't I?" she sighed...she was feeling terrible for actually being one of those people who can put together the fact that extended family get togethers don't usually happen on Halloween...poor girl, just be being smart she figured out her own surprise. I would never be able to do that...I would just be like, "oh, really, another family dinner? K. Whateves...free food for me..." (end of my thought process)
But she, she remembers that thanksgiving was only a few weeks ago, and Christmas is a month and a halfish away...unless some major event was to occur why would there be a family gathering? And then she realizes, "Oh, his side of the family hasn't thrown me a shower yet...it must be a shower, on halloween thats unique." Then she walks through the door and smiles at everyone waiting..."SURPRISE!"

"I should have acted a bit more shouldn't I?" she asks..."Yeah, you should feel really bad right now, for ruining their surprise..." I reply

the word vomit that is my life...

2010-10-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

things to keep in mind when you happen across this prticular blog...

1 There will be random occurances of badly written poetry...it happens sometimes...usually the poetry is a bit melodramatic in nature and sad but definately always bad...i used to not write any of it on the blob but I have found that when I go back and read it after the fact...I don't get it...which makes me laugh...which starts a whole chain of things that I, for now, will leave at that...

2 There will be awkward revelations of one emotial almost 30 something woman...just in case you missed it during any of the previous postings, this blob is not really about issues I get excited about, events in my life, aswering the deeper questions in life...no, this blob's focus is just little old me...and there is nothing more dull than reading about another's littleness...if your waiting for this blob to get any better, don't keep waiting, and best to think of the time you already have spent reading my rants as...time you can't get back. Sorry bout that...So, you might want to consider and prioritize before keeping up with the ramblings...

3 There is a playlist, yup, this is the only way I could get an official soundtrack for my life...certain songs actually go with certain posts...but mostly the accompanying music is not so much for my enjoyment but more towards annoying the rest of you as you read...enjoy:)

4 By reading this blob you will be unofficially involved in a therapy of sorts...mine...unfortunatly for you i am a terrible listener...so it will be all one sided.

5 I just thought that having 5 things would round this out nicely...I honestly have better things I could be doing right now, like studying pharmacology...however, lately I have realized that i should probably warn everyone...it's not going to get any better than this...

so don't hold your breath

or you'll pass out.

time

2010-10-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

crate full of thoughts
poured out on the deck
lifted by the breeze
paper memories fly
I'm standing on deck
numb with
the ebb and flow of life

can I have a little more time
to catch you from your flight
to snare your wings
collect your feathers
imprisoning your light
in the cage of my heart
in the bowels of the ship
deep down from prying eye's
I'll keep you here
and just let days roll by

can I have a little more time
because I can't follow too
where sea meets sky
I'm carried by the tide
grasping to keep hold of
the memory of you
in the crashing waves of life

mehh...read on facebook about a friend's page being pulled down, she died awhile ago, but something her mum wrote in response to the news made me cry alittle...a man in my church had a sudden heart attack and died, and then last night a girl who alot of my nursing friends know was hit by a car and died, she was barely out of high school...just kinda heavy when you get hit with mortality and frailty of life...

thought processes

2010-10-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately, yes, mainly because thinking is about the only free thing left in this world. Also, I find I quite enjoy it, thinking...I think.
As I was saying, recently I have been thinking about coping mechanisms. Or habits a person develops in response to different situations, like test stress. Final exams and midterms and all those horrid things that bring ordinary normal functioning people to the point of hysteria and mental anguish. I used to think that after taking so many tests one might eventually grow this ability to not be overwhelmed by them. I mean practice make perfect right? So I thought. If someone had, in the past, feared such situations by continually subjecting themselves to such situations they would eventually develop this resistance to it and be victorious right?...like bacteria and antibiotics...and in this case one would wish to be the bacteria as opposed to the antibiotics...
anyway...
I thought about how I used to deal with my test anxiety and i happily report that some major changes have been made with regard to this situation in my own life. Although not quite to the victorious conqueror stage, I think my story can still inspire those who have yet to 'master' the stress of tests...
I used to feel so overwhelmed that I would have to do something that would calm me down...like laundry before I could even begin to tackle the test material itself. Sometimes i would even launder clean clothes in order to prolong this necessary step. Then, in order to maintain energy and brain function i would make myself the largest bowl of ice cream that there was to congratulate myself for finally opening my textbooks to study. After eating I would patiently remind myself that it is not good for one's digestion to be too serious after consuming so much sugar and so I would make myself wait even longer before I could finally get some studying in. Eventually, I would study, but then it would be bedtime. One has to go to bed early in order to have enough sleep to think for the test the next day and so the study day-so carefully crafted out-would end with little to no studying done, and even more anxiety upon the next day's arrival. That was how I used to handle my test anxiety...
Now, I find myself much better equipped to handle my lack of motivation to study. I take careful steps to ensure there is no ice cream in the freezer...ever...because you can never be too sure of yourself. Instead of doing my favorite household chore (laundry) as i avoid the books in question, I now do my most hated household chore...I cook, and clean the floors...I hate floors and cooking is somewhat stressful in an of itself to me, in this way I am punishing myself efficiently for my lack of studiousness. i feel so much better about doing this than before when i used to pamper myself with the laundry. But as I cut carrot sticks and place them in the fridge for lunches during the week I realize that I really do need to practise what I preach and from the kitchen window I see the beautiful fall day...I should go for a walk. I know, it's like I'm taking all that head knowledge and applying it in order to get even better understanding of all that I already know about the body and it's need for circulation and ambulation...off I go...some people just study for their tests...i walk for mine..all that blood rushing to my head...eventually i walk so far I find myself at McD's...and lo and behold there's some change in my pocket...I don't plan these things, McD's just happen...they're everywhere. And as I sit with my hot fudge sundae, i think to myself...I am so glad I don't buy ice cream anymore!